Saturday, May 31, 2003

Mmmm, back for a nice healthy dose of daily blog. I'm not one of those people who updates several times a day usually unless I'm in the particular mood to do so. Most of the time it depends on whether or not I have something to say and how badly my fingers are aching to press the keys on a keyboard. I rather like both writing and typing, which is probably why I enjoy keeping online journals so much.
It's funny how all the good men are taken when you're available and available when you're taken. Just thought I'd note that for no particular reason at all. I just learned from a former classmate that he's engaged to be married to another girl he used to date, Galaxie. That's great for them. Weirdly enough, though, most of the engagements make me feel rather sick. I can't imagine being actually engaged to be married to anyone right now, even Josh. There's so much left to accomplish before I adjoin myself to a permanent relationship like that and legally shed my name to become Mrs. Josh ___ (to protect his identity). I already have trust issues. I mean it's not like you have to shed those things but you at the very least have to suck all that up when you become part of a marriage, and I know I'm not well developed enough for that yet. Both of us have yet to fully know ourselves. We have to share our vulnerabilities more, you know? Like I kind of think that Josh feels bad about school and stuff, but he never really talks about that very much with me. He told me he lost his motivation toward the end of high school and his GPA got messed up and since then he hasn't kept the drive that he once had for education. I wish we could talk more about those things, but there often seems to be a wall of delusion that keeps me from it. Or I don't know what it is. I kinda think he makes himself believe that he's okay, that all he needs is me to be completely happy, but that kind of thinking frightens me. i know that if I do make it there to be with him and things aren't all sunny (which they won't be; we're only human), he'll be really dissatisfied. I'm trying to make it my life's business not to let all my happiness depend on one person.
Anyway, there's no use beating a dead horse. Josh and I know we're not ready for marriage at this point. As far as the living situation goes, I'm probably not going to move up there anytime soon. I rely on my parents for financing much, if not all, of my education at this point and there's no way I could support myself and school too if I moved away from them. Besides, for discipline, maybe it's best that Josh and I are apart, at least temporarily. I know that if he were in my room/building/place of residence/area, it'd be extremely hard to get work done without taking several "study breaks" in between, you know? We love each other very much and it's hard to be apart without needing to feel one another. It's sort of like our love has made our lust come out and we're hungry for each other all the time... and sometimes we just lie together until I fall asleep and start to snore hehe... but it would be tough if he were here. Sadly, however, it's tougher because he's not here.
In other news, I've been talking to Thad's girlfriend Kyrie about the joys, pains, and mistakes of my relationship with Josh. It kind of feels good to share with a girl who's going in almost the same direction as I was two and a half years ago. I hate to sound like I'm preaching when I talk to her, but there's just so many things I want her to know, to be wary of.. and Thad's pretty much a good guy. I think they could be happy together, but what do I know. I don't know either of them very well. I just like the way they are with each other. Perhaps Thad could stand to be a little more up-front with her parents, but they're taking it at their own pace, and Kyrie has sisters that can also help her. Also, from what she says, it sounds like she has a really understanding mom. That's always good. *sigh* I wish them luck. I like 'em.

My cousin's wedding is next Saturday and I'm not that excited, but I'm still packing up my clothes and the like. Cleaning my room is rough going but it sort of has to be done. At least that way I can keep my mind off my depression over school and lack of a job and my inaccessibility to Josh. *sigh* No more moping; no more sighing. I have to go do something fun before I go. Thankfully my aunt will be out of the house by Tuesday so I have from then until Thursday night to have a little peace... and be in the house all alone, mwahahahaha.. Oh yeah there's gonna be so much porn going on it's not funny. Don't laugh. I haven no other sexual release. Okay. Right now I'm going to play some tetris. Smell ya later.

Friday, May 30, 2003

You know, I really am becoming a slob. One side of my hair is really curly and the other side is straight, I suspect, because I've only been sleeping on one side. But finally my aunt's out of the house for the night so I can get a little peace from her badgering me day in and day out. *breathes sigh of relief* I wrote Josh yesterday, which was nice. It turned out to be even longer than I expected even though I don't think I wrote very much new stuff. He likes to read the handwritten stuff I send him, though, and I felt like making him happy for some reason. :) And who says I'm not nice. Anyways, I'm hoping to get one out to Bartlett in the next couple of weeks because a long time ago I promised him that I would. Strangely enough, I still miss him. Anyway, I won't let this mid-evening blog snack spoil your blog dinner coming later on tonight, so time to go. Talk to you again soon.

Ah, my friend Thad makes a good point. Thanks for being levelheaded.

So I flaked out on you last night and neglected to post an entry. What a liar I am. To be quite honest, though, I've been not living up to my end of bargains all week now, it seems. Countless times have I promised both my mother and myself that I'd get out to look for a job this week at Evergreen Plaza and have neglected to do so, merely because of my alarm clock. I just don't feel like getting up lately, for some reason. I guess part of me doesn't think there's really anything worth getting up for. Mostly I just run errands with my aunt and go to church. Church is the highlight of my week because we go both on Sunday and Tuesday night. Yay. What a life.
I've also been avoiding this one kid, CJ. We used to mess around when I was way younger, and since my family has just returned to this church after a six-year hiatus, I'm sort of like fresh meat again to them, as I'm of dating age. CJ wants to be the first one to "break" me and see if I'm dateable, and I suppose that the other guys at church are letting him have his turn because, for some reason, he has priority over me. If he doesn't get the chance, then I guess I will become the "Ice Princess" yet again. Funny how everywhere I go I end up being known as that. It's just that, somewhere inside me, I'm not willing to settle and just date someone I really dont like (especially since I really am still with Josh behind the scenes) so I can get out of the house and stuff. For that reason, I will probably remain in the house until either Josh and I work something out where he's here full-time or I'm there full-time, or we break up. I sincerely hope that the former happens rather than the latter.

In other news, the stuff for Vanessa's wedding got shipped out today, so our living room is now free of those 15 boxes that once junked it up beyond belief. It only cost $132, which was amazing because we shipped 15 boxes!! Whoa. Anyway, I ended up driving the truck, packed to the brim. I couldn't even see out of my rearview mirror, so it was somewhat like driving a tank. The air in the tires was low, also, so almost every time I started up after a red light, the tires screeched like I was peeling out and flooring it. And the steering in the blazer is really loose so you have to turn the wheel like six times just to get the tires to turn as far as they can go. Now that I think about it, it was rather like driving a bus. Anyway, it's all completed. All that's left is for me to shed these last few inches and fit into my cute clothes for next Friday and Saturday. Hopefully I can get my cousin to come with me out exploring NC and maybe we can find some fun in some unexpected places. And who knows? Maybe my cousin Vanessa's fiance has some cute friends. He's practically our age anyway. :)
Until tomorrow, friends.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

I don't think this is true, but I thought the quiz was really cute, so... I love Barbies too. My mom won't buy any more for me unless they're collectibles (I have two upstairs that I long to play with but she won't let me, insisting that someday I will give them to my daughter or granddaughter and they will be worth quite a bit of money), which sucks, but I'll live I guess. A real blog is coming later tonight--promise.

working with the blog thing...

I suppose I don't owe you another entry tonight, but for some strange reason I still feel like pressing the keys with my fingers. I prefer my mother's laptop from work over my father's self-built computer with its huge noisy fan.
A little while ago, Josh and I were discussing him coming down here to rescue me from my house. I told him that if he came right now, or in a few hours, I'd pack up the little things I had and come home with him. He seemed happy and anxious about that, and so was I, but mostly anxious and nervous. I don't doubt that if he came all this way I'd pack up a little suitcase and go with him because I really do want to be with him that badly, but I don't know how our lives would turn out and my family would be extremely worried if I left them, especially with things going the way they are now. *sigh* I miss him the most at night. Don't I always say that in every entry? Tonight he had me download Enrique Iglesias' "Escape" to hear the lyrics and how they relate to me. If you really listen to them, I guess they do. He doesn't often do that with songs, you know, but I guess this one is really powerful to him. It made me want to run to him so much I could hardly stand it, but once again I stifled that urge to purchase a greyhound ticket and run to the man I love and live with him forever. I'll be here until he comes down to visit and we talk and hold each other again. I miss him so much, and it's only been a little over a month. How will we survive the rest of our lives?? *sigh*
I feel a zit forming on my right cheek because it itches a lot. We'll see if it springs up overnight. I guess that's all I need to mention besides the fact that I'm really horny lately, so much that I can smell myself and it's quite annoying. I suppose I'll go now. Goodnight.

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Tuesday, May 27, 2003

I'm thinking about Mike again today for some reason as I sew the Maribou feather onto my cousin's slippers for her wedding night, so I log on to AIM and hope that he's online during his work hours or something. I think I should just d/l trillian on this computer so I can check out ICQ and everything at the same time, you know? Then I start thinking about that thing my mom always used to say about Christians being a peculiar people. I guess it's true. I always look at my life as an experience of being on the outside looking in. Despite my recent birthday, it feels like not much has changed in my mind. I still haven't figured out who I am, and even though I've thrown myself into many an adult situation these past few years, I am not an adult. I don't feel remotely close to being such, either.
Sometimes my flesh puts me in the position of "straddling the fence" and having one foot completely in the spiritual realm where I'm praying more and feeling closer to God and my family, and the other foot in the carnal realm where I'm thinking just like I used to and feeling unsatisfied. Strangely enough I feel more peaceful in the spiritual realm but it's like I can never be left alone long enough to enjoy my time there. I don't understand why this conflict persists even though I've been asking God to help me do better and do right. It's not exclusively Josh's fault that I have that one foot left in the carnal realm. I know he probably doesn't even understand why I refer to him this way, but I just felt like writing down my feelings in a way that at least I could understand without holding anything back. Anyway, let me say why I think that he keeps me in the carnal realm: we slept together when I was 15, and last year was like a continuation of that sin of premarital sex. I mean, I did enjoy it and I'm not accusing him of anything. To be quite honest I'm sure I was the one at fault with that because I know what the Bible says about it being wrong and I persisted in it because it felt good and I felt kind of whole even though I'm a Christian and am supposed to have turned away from a lifestyle of sin. Don't get me wrong. I like being a Christian most times, but what really bothers me is the fact that I keep struggling with friendship and everything when it seems to come so naturally for other people. Why do I have to be part of the "peculiar people"? I know that if I line up with God's word I can make friends eventually, and eventually get the desires of my heart, but I'm impatient. I want it all right now! I don't want to develop my relationship with God because I feel like I can't see him or put my arms around him when I really need to. I wish he were tangible. God, you'll have to forgive me for saying this and change my heart so I want to read your word and be closer to you. I know that to get the relationships I truly want I have to develop my relationship with you, but I don't want to! I can't help feeling that way either. I want to be surrounded with close friends that love me as much as I love them and want to be around me and call me and know the small details of my life the same way I want to be around them and know the small details of their lives. I'm so tired of being lonely that way! I'm tired of not feeling on track and worrying about how my life in the workplace will be with no friends to call up at night and talk to. It's utterly rediculous. Shouldn't I be past this point at 18? Geez.
Maybe there's some Christian stumbling on this page at random who can offer some words of wisdom. If so, send them to lk_51585@hotmail.com.

I was supposed to be writing more tonight but I never got around to it because I've been busy with stuff for the wedding coming up. Most of the time, though, I've just been lonely for Josh no matter how much I try to deny it. I've been moody and stuff possibly because I haven't had any sex for a month, and my hormones and stuff are raging. I know he's feeling the same way. Something else that's been on my mind though is Mike. I miss him a lot. The other day I saw a Cosi and I thought about the day we went there and just chilled.. I miss talking to him and having structured conversations. Maybe he and Josh will get to come down here sometime later this summer... I know I miss them more than I ever thought I would and it's only been a month since we last saw each other. Maybe I will get by this summer and the rest of next year until either he or I gets the money to go to the other wherever that may be. I know that it'd be great if he came here to Chicago to live, but I doubt that will happen because of his grades and stuff. And I don't know if he's the corporate type. Somehow, no other place seems to fit him, in my mind, as well as Ann Arbor does; that could change, but who knows? I tried to put a comment thing on here but it doesnt want to work, so as I continue trying to fix that, please hold all your comments in your head until it works. I'd appreciate that. :) I should probably go to bed. First, though, let me say something I was thinking of last night: Even though sometimes my head says it would be easier to not love Josh because of all the complications with my parents and my relationship with God and everything, my heart still whispers his name at night while I'm alone. I cant stand not being with him sometimes and it eats away at me while I'm talking to my family about not being with him anymore. I dont know what I'll do if we can't be together... and I dont even want to think about it. Oh Josh, I love you, against their better judgment and even, sometimes, against my own. I love you, Josh, no matter how I try to deny it. Goodnight all.

Sunday, May 25, 2003

more tomorrow... promise.

Friday, May 23, 2003

Whenever I get low I always feel like I'm usurping my own life when I try to feign happiness..Like a Laura impersonator or something. That in itself should be illegal. That's why nobody should spend a month in the house with his/her family. Everyone needs friends, for "no man is an island", as they say.
One day I'll get off my butt and be friendly enough to keep friends for longer than a couple of days. Lord help me.

Hey... I know I haven't written in about five days, but I guess I've been busy trying to improve myself. I haven't really improved myself that much, but this time alone has been nice. Today I went downtown and filled out an application at Borders bookstore for the Hyde Park location and while I was there this girl approached me with a survey and I ended up going to her volunteer association's headquarters at UIC. I don't know what made me do it; I wasn't doing anything so I figured I'd do something daring. I got into a van with people I didn't even know and went to their headquarters and ate their food and listened to their message about their club. You know what? I'm actually thinking about joining it. It's called CARP, but I can't remember what it stands for. It lines up with lots of stuff I really believe too, so I'm pretty convinced. These kids are even from places like Maryland and New York and stuff, so I thought that was cool that they got to travel to different places and stuff. It was funny; they said I didnt' have a Chicago accent.
Anyways, I've been going to prayer at 6am at church for the past couple of days, and I've been trying to read my Bible at night. It's not easy because of course you don't want to read it anyways but after I do it I feel better. Maybe this was what was missing while I was away at school. Getting closer to God has made me feel more grounded and at peace, I guess, because I know I don't have to worry about anything and that all I want will work out because He only wants the best for me. I do feel bad about not talking to Josh, but I don't know what to say to him... Once again I'm unsure of how things will work out and I don't want to hurt him or myself even more. I wish things didn't really have to be this way. Maybe they don't. I dunno.
*sigh* I am lonely though. Dunno what to do about that, though. I'd like to get out of the house more by getting a job, but my mom says that the Lord will provide when it's time for me to have one. I've filled out applications in different places, and my dad expects that I'll get hired sometime in June, but I really would like to have something to do and some kind of income right now.
Anyways, I guess I'll go now. It's late. Goodnight.

Saturday, May 17, 2003

I know I haven't written in two days. I only started this blog on Tuesday and already I'm creating bad habits.. Oh well. At least I'm getting to document lots of my life on the internet. Hopefully I remember my passwords and the sites I write on, i.e. livejournal, aren't deleted or gone out of business years from now. I haven't much to say today except I've been really frustrated because I've been on the Atkins diet for two days now. Though many doctors say it's not healthy, etc, there are a few who says it works for them. Some people have experienced dramatic weight loss, and as I read their stories on the website, I was just feeling like I hope this one works for me. Of course, if you know me, you know I'm a cheater and I like to make excuses for everything in my own mind. The Atkins diet plan doesn't really make allowances for that, but like any diet, says that if you mess up and eat something you're not supposed to during the "induction" phase (where your carb intake should be lower than 20g per day for the first two weeks of the diet), you should at least try to get right back on the wagon. That way you don't derail and just condemn yourself to living a life of fatness because of one mistake. Anyways, I've been tired and nearly going crazy because of carbohydrate withdrawal. I only got one piece of my birthday cake and there are other, skinnier people around who shall remain nameless who keep going back for slice after slice, and even though the slices are small, I'm still infuriated because I'm starving for some bread or some kind of sweetness. If you know me, you know I could be a vegetarian with no problem. I still like butter and cheese, though, so I could never comfortably be vegan. This Atkins diet, however, forces me to eat mostly meet and vegetables. Lemme tell ya, though, folks: Bread is what makes everything else worth eating! I'm seriously suffering from sugar withdrawal! I'm so cranky it's unreasonable. Thankfully, however, I've frozen two large slices of my birthday cake which I intend to eat when I get through with my cousin's wedding. I can hardly wait. We'll see how small I am by then. (I'm only trying to lose about 23 lbs or so and get down to like 145.)
I also saw a girl in the fabric store today that I haven't seen since high school ended. She'd transferred out (or got kicked out, really, due to her attendance record) and she didnt' get to finish the year with Brooks Prep. We were pretty good associates/friends, so it was good seeing her. I didn't realize how long it had been since I'd seen her and how much I'd missed her in the year since we'd seen each other. I guess it sort of reminded me that even though high school is over, it doesn't have to be over over. It can live on, if you want it to, and relationships can last. So...
My parents are at a wedding that I didn't get invited to, but it's no biggie. Jonathan's out of the house for right now and I'm feeling pretty good. He's so annoying. I guess this was a boring entry, but nothing spectacular really happened today. Guess I'll ttyl.

Friday, May 16, 2003

A Moody Birthday

My birthday went quite alright until the talking began. But then again, I told my mom that everything would start to suck once the talking began. Having Barbara there was alright.. She's my grandfather's ex-girlfriend who stayed his "chick on the side" until he left her, so that's about 40 years or so. They never got married, and it's like my mom, aunts, and uncle are her children and we're her grandchildren. She was just his girlfriend so I think it should be his responsibility, yet he leaves us to clean up the mess. Typical. Anyways, that part of the night went fine. We saw the Matrix Reloaded at the show or something and it was good, folks. I was happy about that. But then we finally got home and they made me try on my bridesmaid dress along with my cousin who's like 5'11'' and wears the same size as me. Great. I wish they wouldn't have done that. I can't stand when everybody compares us and then has to compliment her and just says, "Well, honey, you need to get working on it." And every day there's mention of a new diet.. They already know I feel fat and I hate it. And then my brother's just trying to gain weight to get out of the army, so he's going around eating everything not nailed down... UGH!! I resent my family so much for supporting that. They haven't supported me even when I tried to make this relationship right with Josh... they always seem to let Jonathan weasel out of all his problems. But anyways.
I did have a good year of 17, even though I complained a lot. *sigh* That's how I am. I still don't feel like I got much out of it socially, but then again I guess that's my fault for not being friendlier. I miss Josh really badly. I miss having him around and I definitely miss having sex with him. I mostly miss his companionship, though, and I hate having to talk on the internet because I don't know if I'll ever see him again. No, I still haven't heard from a school yet, and since the summer's approaching, I feel kind of adrift with noplace to go because nobody's accepted me yet, and I don't have any financial aid available anywhere.
I just wish Josh would come down and we could go somewhere and be alone, just for a little while. I need some quiet time spent in his arms listening to his heartbeat. Before I went to bed last night I knelt beside my bed and smelled his smell still lingering on the shirt he gave me so I wouldn't forget him. I don't have the heart to wash and wear it. I thought about sleeping in it so I could smell him on me and around me but then it wouldn't smell like him anymore. I wish I could be one of his shirts and he could wear me out. I would smell like him always, and be placed in a hamper with others that smelled just like him until we all got cleaned. I could be tossed on his bed when he was ready to wear me until he got out of the shower, then I could go back on him touching his soft skin.

I AM GONNA GO CRAZY WITHOUT HIM...I don't know what made me think that I could tell my mom about us and not get in trouble... But I just figured she'd try to take my honesty as meaning something else. I know that I will never be with Josh unless I lie to them about it, and that moral dilemma is what makes me feel so awful about being with him. I suppose he should know that it's not really about him, but my apprehension is about that. I wish it all would work out so that I could have both: be with Josh and have my family be as accepting and loving as his is at least trying to be. I don't want them to think I'm toying with their son and giving him heartache because I think it's a great way to keep busy, but because this involves my whole heart and soul because I love him and I love my family too. Maybe they will understand that.
Everything in this entire blog boils down to Josh. Are all the unresolved issues secondary to this main conflict of duty and heart? I suppose so. Nothing in my life has ever seemed so prevalent as this.
I'm tired and I have to make a response about a job opportunity later this morning, in about 7.5 hours or so. Goodnight.

Thursday, May 15, 2003

Private Feelings... Publicly

Sometimes I still can't help thinking about Josh. He creeps into my idle mind and my memories of him work their magic, drawing me back to the place where I was still warm from his heat as we lay together in his bed the Thursday afternoon before I left him. I've always been ashamed about my body, but it never was as bad with him. He always--always--has made me feel beautiful, even when we weren't together.
Contrary to my family's popular beliefs, he's never beat down my self-esteem. He's always lifted me up even through the rough times. Though I've often felt pressure from him, I've never been abused by him. *sigh* Everything's so cloudy now! At times the next step seems as clear as day but then other times it's obscured by a fog of doubt and fear. When I'm alone at the end of the day I wish I could just run away into his arms and our world would be bright again. Then I think about how devastated my family would be to wake up and find that I'd gone away and left them to be with a man, and didn't even have the respect to appreciate all they've done. I can't imagine leaving them that way. I mean, what if my daughter did that to me? Wouldn't I feel awful? I think that's why lately I've been thinking that maybe I shouldn't have children. The things I've done so far haven't been too great, and if the sins of the father are revisited on his son, and if what we sow we also reap, then I'm in for one hell of a harvest. That's probably the main thing preventing me from getting a Greyhound bus ticket to Ann Arbor and living with Josh. I want to convince myself that I don't want him or love him just to make it easier to say goodbye, but I wonder... Is it normal to wonder if you're doing the right thing when you make up your mind to be with someone? Is it normal to wonder whether or not your true soulmate is still out there and what you're doing now is hampering your chances to be with him, the way things are supposed to be?
All these things keep running through my head, over and over, constantly. I haven't completely severed all ties with him, the way I was supposed to. Some days I'm alright and other days I feel so unsure. Is it really so wrong to be with him, to let myself be free with him? Is it really so wrong to be in love with him? Did I make a mistake? I know that all I want right now is to be with him in his dirty room in that apartment, naked with him beneath two comforters. I miss everything about him: his sweet smell, the look of him as he slept, the faces he made and the way his lips felt on mine and on the rest of my body. I miss his tender voice and being annoyed when he played BroodWar instead of snuggling with me. I miss the knowledge that he was only 4 miles away if I ever needed him... Suddenly 4 miles became about 230, and 20 minutes became, at best, 4 hours. I want him so much but I'm afraid of what I will give up if I finally let myself go. He's been so patient, how could his love be phony? Would anyone else live in such heartache and waiting for me if he didn't love me? Why won't I let myself believe in us?
I'm cold right now and I wish Josh were here to warm me. Don't look at me that way, blog. You knew that I wasn't over Josh. I probably never will be.

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Hey hey... my last day as a 17-year-old. I also got a callback from a job I applied to last night, so hopefully they call me tomorrow. If I get a job, that'd be really awesome cuz I honestly need some money in my pockets, you know? My mom is also going to give me some money for my birthday in addition to the clothes she already bought me. That's really cool. I'm excited about seeing The Matrix Reloaded too, even if I do have to see it with my crappy cousins. For some reason, however, I just don't feel like complaining about anything. Everything's coming up roses. My favorite aunt comes in at about noon tomorrow and at least she's bringing me a present. Hopefully I can do something else fun with my day. Thursday's gonna be great. But tonight, there's the last episode of Dawson's Creek which I'm really looking forward to since it's like 2 hours long and everything. YAAAAY! I know this blog entry's not the greatest, but I just feel pretty darn positive. It must be cuz my aunt's not here right now to bring my spirits down. Oh, and the mint julep masque I'm using, which reminds me I need to wash it off before it peels off my skin too. Well, that's it for this episode of Pure, Unadulterated Laura. Stay tuned tomorrow where I bring you reflections on the first day of turning 18. Grrrrreat!!


Tuesday, May 13, 2003

I don't think I've ever been so frightened in my entire life.
This week marks the beginning of my semi-adult life and I'm not ready for everything that's coming. It's just like starting over and being that same person I was when I graduated from high school, only more frightened because I know a bit of what's out there.
But instead of talking about how afraid I am--because I'm turning 18 on Thursday so you must obviously know what that feels like--I'll just say what's going on.
This is the time where I must start growing up. Stuff isn't perfect and never has been. *sigh* I just finished my first year (actually, I kind of finished it on April 24) at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. I'm sure if you went to the website and did some creative searching on their directory you could still find my name there because, technically, I'm still a student there. However, the past few weeks have found me searching for another college with which to affiliate myself. No, I did not flunk out. I am not pregnant. I am not out of money (although I'm pretty close to being out of it). I was with Josh, the same person I've been with on and off for the past four years, and I told my parents I'd been lying to them for pretty much another year out of my life. Thinking they couldn't trust me (which is very close to the truth), they decided that I couldn't go away to school--I didn't deserve it. I would have to find a school here in IL to commute to every day. Since then, however, they've lightened up, and I can now go pretty much anywhere I want as long as it's not back to UM.
There's the rub, though. I should be angrier at that decision than I am, but I never even shed a tear. Perhaps some part of me wanted to be forcefully separated from Josh because I never really thought it would work, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Then again, I've never been one blessed with a strong willpower. That's why diets never work for me. Anyway, I'm forcefully separated from Josh even though we still chat when I decide to turn on the AIMer. So now I'm living here, growing fat from self-loathing and writing intermittently, that is, when I'm not searching for a job or holing myself up in my room playing The Sims.
I just talked to my friend Mike, and he's upset with me. This is my life, and I've saved/ruined it. There's a website that asks you things about your personality, and it turns out that I'm highly histrionic. Who'd have thought it. Whatever.
I'm a little frustrated about my weight as well. I weigh about 168 lbs or so, and I'm Black, so I carry it differently. Anyway, recently, my cousin called me fat and said that I need to work out so I'll be able to fit into her bridesmaid dress. I was upset, but maybe she was right. It's upsetting that I'm letting myself go like this, and I'll probably never have years where I'm a nice size 8 and be old enough to enjoy it. I'm trying not to get depressed or anything about it because that only makes my self-image worse.
Well, now I can't think because my brother's listening to some music. I'll hopefully write later.