Sunday, November 30, 2003

Long weekend wrap up 

Thanksgiving ended as uneventfully as it began. There wasn't a major ruckus at my house, only lots and lots of cooking and cleaning up. I didn't really stick too well with my resolution not to complain, but I didn't lapse into as bad a complaining streak as I'd used to, so I'm feeling that that's a good thing. I basically chilled at home with my family, only venturing out once to go to the store for a few things for my mom. To be honest, there wasn't much out there for me to do.. nobody I was looking forward to visiting while I was home. Most of my time was occupied playing with my grandma's toy pomeranian, Diamond. He's got an independent streak and I like him.

This morning I woke up at 4:30 am because I was checking my watch which was on Eastern time... I kinda felt stupid, but I ended up just staying up with my mother and aunt and drinking tea for a while. At 6 my mom dropped me off at the airport and I came here. I forgot my airbus ticket back, however, and had to spend $40 to come back.. My cabbie was so inept but I still tipped him. That whole cab business is so expensive it's rediculous.. it makes me angry. But I won't complain anymore.

I didn't think about it until after he IMed me, but I could have gone to visit Kefarin on this past trip home. Ah well. I'll make it a point for Christmas break. Him and Josh Allen, I think. I also think Derrick wants to visit, but I'm not exactly on pins and needles waiting for him.

My mom's planning all these extravagances for my brother's return home from his 7 months in the military.. she's starting with painting the kitchen and the living room. She's also planned to purchase Christmassy bedspreads for all the bedrooms in the house and decorating up the wazoo. Everyone thinks I'm going to be jealous, and I am a little, but I won't make a big deal out of it. It's not that bad, I dont think, cuz my mom spoils us both, I think. I just think she's really scared that she's going to lose him and I understand that, so I'll just hush up.

So you know how Josh has been back and forth between here and his mother's house for the past couple of weeks? His mom has made the final decision to have him move back there for the time being... And I think the time being is a long time. Every time I think of him moving back I just feel stupid. I mean, this is a great education I'm getting here, but I'm a dork for coming here just for Josh. Since he's going, I get the feeling I'm going to be much lonelier on campus and such. I kind of hate myself for letting that little glimmer of hope that he would remain only 4 miles away from here resurface in my heart. If I were a better person I'd get off my butt and just go make some friends, but I'm a 'fraidy cat. Oh well.

I'm listening to one of the songs I used to work out to and it's making me nostalgic for working out. I might tomorrow or something between coming home from work and going to Josh's for the night (since he's leaving to go to his mom's on Wednesday or so). I got a new makeup kit when I went home, so maybe focusing on my body and school is the answer to the little ache inside me that's returned ever since Josh told me the news this afternoon. But anyway, I guess I could start getting ready for school tomorrow or something.. if it gets bad I'm going to take a long walk.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Morning thoughts 

Even though I don't have any classes today, I'm still up early. I thought I'd be in the mood to go work out, but I just don't have the desire to walk all the way across campus in this insane cold to work out this morning... no way. I'll just take it easy for lunch or something.
My flight doesn't leave Metro until 6:25, so I've basically got a day to do nothing. I wish I'd ordered after I knew my schedule, but it's a little too late for that now, eh? Anyway, there's a nice calm feeling that settles over me when I'm up early with noplace in particular to be at the moment. It's cool. Josh is supposed to be here around noon and we're gonna hang out and say goodbyes and such. I shouldn't make him come all the way out here though when he's sick with a cold, poor baby. I feel kinda bad. :(

I don't know how many people read this blog because they never make comments. I don't want to say anything about anyone and have them read it and get pissed off or something like that, but I need to grow up and be a woman. Conversely, though, I still value my calm existence here without social controversy, so I will say what I want and change the names in the hopes that it won't be blatantly obvious to all of you here...

I miss Ben, even though I don't want to admit it. He was an asshole and played some serious tricks on me even though I definitely should have known better. I call myself so smart sometimes yet I'm an idiot. And I proclaim myself an even bigger idiot for missing someone like Ben. He's totally not worth it, but he's kinda stuck in my mind. I know that I can contact him meaning I have the resources and knowledge to do so, but I don't know what he would say if I did or what would be unleashed in the way of evil vibes if we were to start communicating again. I really wonder if my life would fall apart like last time, and the times before that. Probably so. I really should stay away. I'm sorry, Ben, but I don't want to keep making the same mistakes. It's not your fault, though.. it's mine, right? yeah. It always is.

Anyway, I'm going to have a great afternoon with my love before I go and not worry about all the stuff that's happened in the past. I'm looking forward to it all.

Monday, November 24, 2003

Documenting stuff, lest I forget 

Saturday afternoon I met Josh's brother Paul at the Stadium after the Michigan-OSU game (which we won, hello Rose Bowl...) and we went back to his mother's house to go to her surprise party. It was fine. His mom was positively glowing Saturday night, and it was cute. They made her wear this "Old Fart" pin that lit up hehe.. I spent the time hanging around Josh and enjoying his company.
After the party I went back to his house and we made love.. it was nice. We were a little frustrated and it was hurried, but it was still good just to be together. I enjoy being with him very much.
Today we went to dinner with his mom and just chilled around their place. They took me to Catholic mass at 5pm for Josh's deceased uncle.. I had never been to mass before, so it was cool. There was this fountain full of holy water that drained off into the floor.. you'd never find something like that at my church.. oh well. Anyway, I felt awkward at the church because I was unfamiliar with the rituals and stuff, but it was still okay. I learned the songs quickly and sang what I could with them. It was also kind of funny to watch my love saying the words beside me and stuff.
I cajoled his mom into showing me baby pictures of him when he was little.. omg you guys wouldn't believe how cute he was when he was a baby... *blushes* I hope our kids look like that.. he looked just like a little baby doll awwwwww
All these sentences are simple but for some reason I don't really feel like making this post any more interesting.. it's more like me trying to document these things so I don't forget what happened this afternoon. Sorry if you didnt' enjoy it, but oh well.. nothing's gonna change.

Josh is a little down because he has no clue what's going on in his life. His father hasnt' stopped drinking I dont think, so his mom wants him to move back in with her. However, there's no place for him there because she has a 2-bedroom and Paul's already living there. There's noplace for all Josh's stuff and he doesn't want to be stuck sleeping on his mom's couch for however long it will take for him to get back here to UM. Also, he and I don't take kindly to being separated for however long a time. Of course we need our space like every couple does, but being 30 minutes apart while I'm still here with the freedom to come and go as I please is just a waste of autonomy, you know? I want him to be with me, too, because we do care for each other... I just don't think he should be stuck living with his dad who is inconsiderate. I think that the best solution would be for Josh and I to get an apartment somewhere here and just make things work on our own. Speaking truthfully, though, I doubt that would work out because neither of us has the means or the fortitude to go to school while we work. We'd be too tired for each other, too. I dunno what to do.. Josh is at his father's place but I don't know for how long. Poor baby.. he's bummed out. I want to go over but I just don't have the extra cash for a taxi tonight, so.. oh well. I'll tthim soon. i love you josh, if you're reading this.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

Afro-centrism and a little self-love, for once 

For all intents and purposes, I think that being black suits me well most of the time. My race, etnicity, and culture are huge parts of my life that help motivate me to do what it is I do and not do what it is I don't do. Even though our society places blackness in a marked category and associates it with so many negatives, there are also lots of things that make being black positive.

Most of the time, I would say that I like being black for lots of reasons:

1. I have a variety of options with my hair. I can wear it super curly, like it is right when I come out of the shower, or I can blow it straight and pick it out into an afro. Or, if I have like 4 hours to spare (or 2 hours and $30 to go to my hairdresser), I can straighten it into soft tresses that fall a little past my shoulders. And talk about holding styles.. I'd say that black hair holds styles incredibly well even without the aid of lots and lots of holding spray. Lucky us.

2. I can use my race, ethnicity, and culture to my advantage when talking about diversity. In a predominantly white America, Illinios, and University of Michigan, wherever I go, I'm bringing diversity. I think my consciousness of diversity helps people become conscious of it as well. That's a really cool thing to be able to do here--foster social change.

3. My people have a culture outside of mainstream American culture. Though my family doesn't celebrate Kwanzaa, we could if we wanted to. People make it out to seem like a cheezy holiday, but it really isn't. It's about unity, respect, and love between people. I think more people should celebrate it and if my future husband allows it, maybe we can celebrate Kwanzaa at my home along with Christmas. Also, we have a rich culture of dancing, singing, speaking, writing--feeling. I dont know if any other culture can recreate the emotions that we as a people have felt over the years. That brings me to my next thing.

4. The African and African American people have overcome hardships that people don't even recognize. Life began in Africa, in the fertile crescent. Did you know that? And the African people were some of the first educated people on earth. My mom has been studying this in one of her classes and they're talking about how after the Europeans decided to come explore Africa many years later after its people had been subdued, they found millions of artifacts pointing to the incredible intelligence of the people. But they kept all these artifacts under wraps. And they've downplayed the Egyptians' relation to Africa, but u-DUH, Egypt is in Africa! Yet so many people find it hard to associate the wonders of the Egyptian world to the people we see on so many "Feed the Children" commercials. We think these people were incapable of taking care of themselves, and that's why they succumbed to slavery. Well, I'm here to tell you that's not true. I want to study my people and let other people know about them.

5. I come from a history of strength despite adversity. My own great-great-great grandparents were sharecroppers, former slaves. My great-great grandmother married a Native American and had several children, one of whom is my great-grandmother. She began a branch of a tree full of strong women, and I will extend that legacy to my daughters and granddaughters and great-granddaughters whom I love already. This is something I will never, ever be ashamed of; my heritage is a source of great pride.

It is something that I am always conscious of, true. I think it was W.E.B. DuBois who said that being black is like living a life of "double consciousness", where you are aware of yourself and the way others perceive you all the time, every single day of your life. You have the black part of you and you spend your life trying to assert yourself as more than the black part of you which coincides with the stereotypic part of people's beliefs. I totally feel that, but I want to eventually get to the point where I want to assert my blackness. I want it to be an enhancement of who I am--always. I want to wear my brown skin with pride and everything that comes along with it--ashiness, dark underarms, dry, coarse hair, full, sexy lips, a skin texture like buttah, the ability to make red look super sexy anywhere I put it on my body.. hehe oh yeah.

I dont even think that this post was where I intended to go today. I was gonna complain about how Josh's absence makes me feel sad and lonely, but it's alright. I will make it without him here. Help me remind myself of this entry when things are looking bad, won't you?

I must get ready--Josh's mom's surprise party is this evening and I'm going. I straightened my hair for 3 hours last night just for this occasion. :-D

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

"Wish life with you was sweeter, neater..." 

Have you ever felt that hot feeling that starts in your head then works its way down your body until you feel like you're boiling, then there's a release and you almost feel cold? I'm not talking about an orgasm, but that feeling you get when you've just been found out or something awful's been realized. From a scientific standpoint, it must just be your pores opening to let out the sweat that will soon come because you're so hot under the collar.

Well, Josh just told me he's moving back to his mom's soon. While that revelation's not unexpected, I still feel the hot harshness of reality. She lives about 45 minutes or so away from here, I think, so it's not like Josh and I would see each other anywhere near as regularly as we've gotten used to. We've spoiled ourselves with each other, you know?
But I'm being incredibly selfish about this. There really is no reason he should have to live where he is now and put up with a lot of bullcrap, so it's a good thing that he's moving. I want him to live in a place where he can be comfortable and happy, even if that place isn't here with me.
Still, I can't keep back my disappointment and sadness. So many things are swimming through my head right now, but mainly the idea that once he leaves campus, I'll sort of be alone again. I dunno, you guys. I should certainly be past the point of being afraid to make friends, but I'm not.. I don't know what will happen. My mom would be happy if she knew he was going. Maybe it will be good for both of us since there really isnt' anything here for Josh but high prices and stuff. He can get some motivation at home, I'm sure.

Anyway, I want to talk about something else.

Today after work I went to eat with some of my fellow tutors which was cool. Sometimes hanging out with kids is beneficial cuz you can make all kinds of sex jokes and just be weird and people will look at you and notice how cute you look when you laugh. :) The pita I got was incredibly excellent, and I'd highly recommend it if I could remember the name. Anyway, I walked Anna to the Law Quad and we hugged.. it's kinda nice to get love from other people. Oh yeah, and Mike greeted me with a "Hi sweetie", which he has never done before. I just felt soo loved today. It was nice.

Umm.. I have a quiz that I studied for a bit, but I need to study some more for both French and Bio so I need to go. Later.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003


I'm having some rather gross health problems, but I'm trying not to complain about life so much and stick to a more in-depth thing like I used to.

You know what, though? I don't think I'm thinking deeply that much nowadays. School sort of absorbs all the energy that's left for doing other things and leaves me feeling blah. But I'll try for you.

I spent today basically chilling. I like Tuesdays, especially. They're pleasant because I have like 3 hours in the middle of the day just to do nothing.. Anyway, I got some stuff taken care of, and that was nice. Then after class, I got the chance to talk to Josh and he decided to come over after my bio discussion.
*sigh* Sometimes when he and I get together and we're on the same page, we are so good together.. I mean, almost euphoric, you know? We just went to the Adams lounge and he lay his head in my lap and I stroked his hair :) for a while. We talked and kissed and all that wonderful stuff that makes us both smiley. Then we went out for dinner.. even though we couldn't get on the same page with that, (we stood out in the rain for like 5 minutes kissing while we disagreed about which place to eat) he still came to Panchero's with me and watched me eat.

Did I ever tell you this weirdo once said that watching my lips was the equivalent of watching a woman's cleavage? WTF.. you'd think he'd have delivered it better than that, but you'd be wrong. Sometimes come-ons are just stupid.

Anyway, this evening was kinda nice, and I think it had something to do with our moods. We were both feeling pretty easy, I think. It's good when that happens.. I'm a Josh nut. I'm so glad he's here to make me so happy when everything else is crapping out on me. I love him.

I kinda feel like dancing, as I haven't in a long while. It's time for Laura to go to a party, but who to go with and what to wear? Gotta go shopping soon. Someone volunteer and go with me. We'll have a day at the mall or somethin.. get back to me.

"so you grab your girls
and you grab a couple more
and you all can meet me
in the middle of the floor
see the air is thick
it's smellin right
so you pass to the left
and you sail to the right

don't be so quick to walk away
dance with me
I wanna rock your body
please stay
dance with me...

just lemme rock you to the break of day..."

"Cuz it's always raining in my head; forget all the things I should have said.." 

I've been thinking a lot about stuff and trying to be more positive and adopt positive habits. Like today, I actually got up in time to eat breakfast. I had a little sausage and egg and some grapefruit à la Atkins diet.. hopefully that got my metabolism going. Now I'm just sitting here listening to music.

My resolution: to grow up and stop being so obnoxious to people. I need to calm down with my silliness yet take things less seriously, you know? I realize I'm annoying people and that needs to stop. I need to become an adult.

More later.

Monday, November 17, 2003

Oh, won't you please 

Tell me I'm talented.
Tell me I'm smart.
Tell me I'm pretty.
Tell me I smell like food: garlic. cookies. vanilla. cinnamon. raspberry.
Tell me I'm good.

Tell me you love me.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

I have been struggling to open my diet pepsi for an entire day now. Please don't tell anyone.

Slightly bummed, but I'll make it. 

Hey. It's now Sunday, 2:13am and I'm still up after taking a nap for what was supposed to be only an hour but ended up being three. That's not that huge of a deal to me, though; it just cut a little bit off my study time. I guess it's not that hard to make up, either, seeing as I'm a college student and staying awake to the wee hours of the morning is a pretty normal occurrence for me and my ilk.

*sigh* This weekend hasn't in the least shaped up the way I wanted it to. I assumed that, like most weekends, I'd go to Josh's and spend some time feeling that loving annoyance that's become so familiar. We'd watch football, as usual, and we'd make love as we felt like it. I enjoy that so much that this week since I've been such an a-hole I decided to stay away and make sure all my stuff was done so that we could spend extra time with each other (and also to make sure I was in a better mood before I went over there). It turned out, however, that Josh called me on Friday afternoon to tell me that he was going to his mom's for the weekend because his dad was in especially bad shape. I wouldn't say that I'm a stranger to his father's bad moods, but I suppose this was even worse than what I'd been exposed to. I really wanted Josh to have a weekend of some rest and relaxation because he has to deal with that garbage most of the time, you know? And for awhile now I've been vehemently suggesting that he stay with his mom for a while until things calm down in that area. Now that I think of it, though, I suppose things never would calm down unless he moved out, and that's not a viable prospect at this point. I wish it were; that would make both our lives so much easier.

Josh and his mom did come out for a while on Friday and we spent some time in a furniture store (can you believe it?) until Josh got tired of it. Then we went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant before Josh went home with her. I can't believe how bummed I've been all weekend, just sitting here, brooding and studying. It hasn't been easy at all and I miss Josh so much that the familiar ache I remember from when we would always be apart has resettled in my heart again. I'm such a Josh fiend. *blushes*

Tomorrow I'm pretty busy with studying and viewing a video for French. Sundays before tests are always like that, you know? This time, however, I'm feeling a bit worried that my religious clashes with the material (i.e. discrediting Creationism for the purposes of promoting Darwinism) is preventing me from retaining the information adequately. Should I talk to someone about what I'm feeling? It's not like I'm expecting some lenience from them because of this, as my beliefs are my personal choice, and when I took this class I agreed to abide by the government of those who teach it. Still, this unsettling feeling comes over me and I can feel myself trying hard not to take this stuff to heart even while I'm trying to remember exactly what's going on so that I can do a good job on the test. I'm so conflicted!
I doubt any of them would understand what I mean, so there's no use in wasting a good trip to office hours just to tell them my religious beliefs. I doubt they'd respect that, either.

It's Josh's birthday today because it's the 16th. I thought the 16th was yesterday, so I was all, "Happy Birthday, honey!" when he called and generally being an idiot.. :) Anyway, despite my wanting him to be in a safe and comfortable environment, I selfishly want him to come home sometime early tomorrow so I can run over there and see him and kiss and hug him because I miss him so much. But I'm not counting on that. Besides, there's still a lot to study for tomorrow.

We'll see what happens, as usual.

Friday, November 14, 2003


Today was even better than yesterday was, and hopefully I'm coming out of this funk. I won't say anything more about it for fear of jinxing it and putting me right back in a bad situation all over again.
I pretty much got most of the stuff I wanted to accomplish today done and that feels good. I turned in the RA application and scored an interview for Sunday, December 7 (Pearl Harbor Day) at 5pm. That should be fine.
Umm.. we went to the botanical gardens in bio lab today too, which was fun because I got to hobnob with all my classmates. It's so funny that we like each other so much, you know? It was great too; some kids and I were poking fun at my GSI because he told a black kid to go pick cotton from a cotton plant. It was so funny because he didnt even realize what he had just said until we all started cracking up at him.. so the rest of the day was devoted to racial jokes and the like. This other girl was all talking about how she had a house party with the lady from the Safe Sex Store.. it's sorta like a tupperware party, only the tupperware is replaced by sex toys, lubes, etc. So when I took my nap this evening I obviously dreamt about sexual stuff. But what else is odd is that me and another girl from my class were trying to hide from a guy but we ran right into a maze where things were not what they seemed... it was weird. I tried to slide down this wooden slide but it was like a torus and I kept ending up back where I started while the other girl went way up high and I thought she was going to fall off of the ledge she was standing on but instead she just stayed there and magically ended up on the ground. That is so weird. I always have the strangest dreams, yo.

So Josh's birthday is Saturday but I have to study for my test, which totally sucks because I'd so much rather be spending time with my baby whom I love so very much. I always love his birthdays for some reason; they make me feel warm and happy inside. Maybe I can stay with him a little later or something.. I dunno. I just haven't seen him all week and so when I go over tomorrow night (more like tonight since I stayed at the library with my women's studies group until like 12-something) it will be nice to see and hold him and stuff. I've been a bitch all week, though, so we'll see how he feels about snuggling.

I had the munchies so bad tonight when I got home that I went and bought some chips from the machine, only they got stuck!! Don't you hate it when that happens?! I actually paid for another bag but it got stuck too so I went back to my room and got some money and just bought a Mountain Dew Code Red for appeasement. I'm so ticked about that right now tho.. I wanted those chips. Ah well, guess I didn't need them.

So I'm definitely getting breakfast tomorrow morning y'all. But that means I gotta get up early tho. Poopy.

Thursday, November 13, 2003


The previous entry kind of felt good, you know, being so vulgar. Sometimes you just need to get into the gutter and splash around in order to still feel like a human being who can express emotions. While I do have the tools to express my anger, sometimes there's something to be gained in just reverting to primal feelings of rage and letting them out before I explode.

Today wasn't so bad as yesterday. Thankfully, though, it's over and I survived. I do, however, have some things that are making me worry:

1. Josh's birthday is this Saturday and I'm spending a bit more than I intended to on it which I fear will have me living a bit tighter than usual next week.
2. I have a bio test on Monday and I hate the lecturer so I have no idea what it's going to cover.
3. I have a women's studies project due on Monday also, and the girls who are working with me on it are like stressing out too much about it and I wish they'd calm down or something, you know?
4. I broke my jacket and I kind of want/need a new one, but I'm wondering if I should even bother because it's gonna get cold soon.
5. I have a French test tomorrow and I haven't studied for it, really.
6. I don't know if the girl who said she'd do my recommendation for the RA application has done it and how it will get back to me before 5pm tomorrow/today.

If those things settled themselves somehow between now and tomorrow morning, I would be forever grateful.

My lip is still swollen and painful from falling out of bed last night. And I have bruises popping up in different places.. oww.
I can't wait to go home for Thanksgiving so I can finally get some rest, you know? There's too much going on. I want my scholarship situation to be straightened out, too. I'm so tired of this stuff that I want to scream again, but I'm not gonna do that because you can just refer to the previous entry for rage-related business.

I just don't feel like doing much of anything right now, but I'm going to attempt to study. Peace. (hopefully peace will rub off on me.)

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

utter rage 

I'm so pissed that I've begun this entry like five different times and erased it. These damned popups with stupid half naked ladies who are tall and thin and muscularly defined make me sick and I'm just generally mad at everything. I really tried today--I mean I really did. I've been trying hard all week and it just seems like 1. nobody gives a damn or 2. they're all just being assholes because they can see I'm trying hard. Maybe both.

Dear Internet Advertisers:

I do not give 1 tiny shit about your diet patches, your online casinos, or your pictures of Britney Spears naked. My internet connection is fast enough, and I do not give a flying fuck if someone has installed spyware on my computer and can see that I'm typing this. If you put one more #@damn popup advertisement on my computer before I finish this sentence I swear I will hunt you down, burn your establishment to the ground, bludgeon you to death with a spoon, then kill your family and kick your dog.


Anyway, I set my alarm for like 8:15 this morning but I didn't wake up until 9 which was when I was supposed to meet this girl who I've been inconveniencing for so long it's rediculous.. then I was dressed completely awful for the interview we had to do.. so after that I went to bio discussion and they were talking about phylogeny which I didn't get nearly at all because it's hard and then I got stuck with a group who was just being rude asshole-y to me for no reason and wouldn't let me participate then got mad at me when I was behind and I was like fuck it and just left instead of staying there fighting them to let me participate. Then I wrote a women's studies essay and stupidly forgot to read the guidelines for what its' supposed to be about, so now I have to write it over, then I called Josh who hung up on me for a joke and then I fell out of my bed and busted my lip which is now twice as big as it was before (as if that wasn't big enough) and now hurts because I can't stop licking it to taste the metallic bloody taste. I also asked a former RA of mine to write me a recommendation but forgot to send her the stuff she asked for so now she thinks I'm a flake and will probably think twice before she writes me a recommendation again.

I am not in a good mood now and am really feeling close to the edge.. I'm talking volatile here, people. If someone handed me a gun I think I might really take to slaughtering innocent people just to alleviate the rage. If you're even thinking of making an "I'm black and angry" joke right now then fuck off. Not in the mood right now.

I'm showering and going to bed.

Monday, November 10, 2003

I like the word "snafu" but not what happens when there is one 

I was a little worried when I woke up this morning but I wasn't quite sure why until after my first class. I went there then came home immediately after to look for my scholarship money. It's not here at Michigan, so I'm a little bit worried that I haven't gotten a hold of the woman who supposedly sent it. Now I'm just a bit antsy about it all. I did, however, use the time I spent not going to work to write the 5 essays necessary to apply for the RA position. I also sent out the stuff I needed for recommendations and stuff. Why, oh why did I not get that out earlier? I'm a champion at procrastination, huh?

Anyway, later I had a meeting for work followed by another meeting for the French interview I'm going to have tomorrow. The only thing is I don't believe my hair is very professional-looking. Ah well.. it's all a farce anyway. I'm going to do my best, though.

I think the patch is making me gain wait.. not to mention the fact that when I'm depressed I tend to pack on the pounds. I feel like a chunky heifer who can't even fit into her jeans anymore.. *sigh* I also just want to go shopping or something but I don't have the money just to blow on pleasures and stuff. Josh's birthday and his mom's birthday is coming up and I was hoping to do something nice for her like take her to dinner and get her some flowers or something. I dunno.. Anyway, I guess I can figure that out in the next week or so. I have a test coming up also.

I hope that me sticking my foot in Josh's butt about getting his letter written is helping him. It's been helping me realize that there are some things I've been procrastinating on myself and so I'm doing them so I won't look like a hypocrite in my personal life. It's tough work, but I'm trying. Wish me luck.

I never really say anything important anymore, do I? Why the hell do I even keep a blog? I dunno. No matter what the situation it always ends on a sour note.. how do I change that? Does writing about this stuff always make me sadder? Maybe so. Well.. later.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

There are so many popups on my computer it's rediculous. I have two popup stoppers and they still get through.. how? Why?

Anyway, I spent today doing reasonably well at Josh's yet again. His mom came by and took him shopping for some stuff he couldn't do without, and it was nice to be with them in their mother-son thing, even if I did sort of feel like an outsider peeping in. I really like his mother, so much that I want to call her "mommy" sometimes.. It's still weird, though, and I don't want to scare her off. I mean, for one thing, there's the racial barrier.. then there's the fact that we barely know one another and Josh and I aren't like married or anything, so she's not my mom. What if he and I broke up? That would nullify all that's gone down among all of us and I just don't want to face that awkwardness or break relationships that way. *sigh* I want her to like me still.
I want Josh's dad to calm down, though. I mean, sometimes I think he's an okay guy when we get to talk about stuff, but other times he's just too tough to handle. I can't imagine how frustrated josh must be.. I'm frustrated myself.
I really hate going home to my dorm on the weekend after being with Josh cuz then it means I have to be alone and when that happens the sadness comes back. Ugh. It's not fun at all.

I don't know what to talk about with you all now. I'm gonna go now.. thought blogging would help me but it hasn't done anything in particular so I'm just gonna stop. Later.

Saturday, November 08, 2003

She tastes like candy.. sugarless, cancerous.. 

My dreams from last night were very, very strange. I dreamt that I lived in a house among both Josh's family members and my own, and we were in a kind of harmony that could only exist in dreams. It was rather nice, buzzing from floor to floor and room to room to check on people or to deliver something asked for earlier, or to just make conversation.. until the ladybugs flew in a in a thick cloud and began to attack my ankles, shooting their poisonous venom (redundant, I know) into my body and coloring me a sick shade of purple. I was swollen all over and the pain was nauseating. The only thing was that nobody would take me to the hospital or even acknowledge that I was really sick. What in the world?? I mean, all those family members about the house and not a caretaker or sympathetic friend to be found. So I did all I could to crawl to the front door (as my legs crapped out on me due to the poison that was rapidly congealing in my veins) and yell for help into the neighborhood. Needless to say I simply lay there, moaning, as swarm after swarm of ladybugs attacked and infected my limbs until I was nothing more than a huddled mass of swollen purple flesh.

I don't remember anything else.

*sigh* I wrote my benefactors about the scholarship tuition check they were supposed to have mailed to the school, but I don't see that check deposited anywhere. Could it possibly have been applied to some previous bill of which I was unaware? I seriously need to either call them back or go to the finaid office to chat about it all. I still owe $6000 and registration time starts tomorrow, I think. That's not comforting at all. I'm tired of worrying and sweating about it. I'm tired of letting this affect my quality of sleep at night. I'm tired of letting my depression about the present make way in my head and heart for guilt and shame about the past and clouding my vision of the future. I'm tired of crying.

And now, I'm tired of typing. Later.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

Une expression sans nom 

Tell me...can you feel it when I kiss you as you sleep? Each time I lean in to do so, you always stir a bit. Does the light touch against your temple catalyze a reaction between my lips and your dreams, or is it that my breath tickles your ear before my kiss reaches you? I've always wondered about that.

Sometimes I feel a romanticism that I can't help but express.
Life is better now. It took hard work and reaching deep inside myself to fight my way through the thick fog of depression that has surrounded me and clouded my vision for the past two weeks or so, but it feels like I'm turning the corner. I'm still a little apprehensive about going back to counseling tomorrow, however, because I know Dr. Collins will mention the breach into my privacy and suppressed memories that we made two Fridays ago. Counseling is good, but I hate it like I hate the squishy feel of wet, decomposing leaves beneath my feet. It's a necessary evil.

School requires so much of me in the way of writing these days, it seems. I still have yet to finish the 4 or 5 essays required to finish my application for RA, and I just turned in a French composition. I also have a bio lab report due this afternoon, not to mention a women's studies paper and activism project. There's always so much to do! Don't squander your free time like me, people. You always end up feeling more stressed out than anything else.

In other news, the final installment of The Matrix series came out yesterday, but I couldn't go then. I will hopefully get to see it this afternoon with Josh, as I don't have anything scheduled for this evening. It will be nice, I think. We can go see it at Briarwood mall or something. *sigh* I like it when he and I go on dates sometimes; it makes me feel pretty and loved.

It's time now to squander the rest of this gray morning watching a few episodes of The Simpsons.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

It's not getting any better 

I feel horribly inverted, as though I've awakened from a dream only to find that I'm not only naked, but inside out! Everyone can see my muscles and veins and skeleton and nerves and everything working and it's very personal...
It's getting worse, and maybe it has something to do with the weather, but maybe not. I just don't feel like this depression is getting any better no matter how hard I try doing things that remind me of happiness and the good things. When I woke up this morning at about 6am after Josh finally came to bed, it took about an hour to get back to sleep. I just couldn't help thinking and thinking and thinking about every single thing. I spoke with him about him moving back with his mom for a little while and of course he's against it. Who would really want to give up freedom to make his own choices and basically do whatever? *sigh* But as much as I hate myself for wanting this, I want him to do better and be better, and since I can't motivate him to do so, I want him to be with someone who can.
I still feel very angry and very, very sad for some reason that I can't quite place. What do I do? Who do I speak with on this subject? I can't make small talk with Mike in Australia or play games for longer than five minutes. Thankfully I type fast so my fingers can almost keep up with my thoughts. It'd be better if I werent' such a perfectionist about misspellings and typos and everything, you know?
But anyway, it's late and I need to go to sleep. Maybe that will help.

Saturday, November 01, 2003

November is a funny month. Not funny ha-ha either. 

subtle flirt

Did nothing for Halloween, as I'm not a pagan and never have done anything for it beyond dressing up like a Bible character and going to church. That was fun when I was younger, but now, there's nothing really to look forward to besides buying candy half off the next day (which I did today with Josh, yum).
I wish it were easier for him and me to talk about things between us. We need something to facilitate openness and confidence.

Umm other than that I've just noticed that I'm depressed lately but that I can fake it well. If you can believe it, last night I was actually thinking about suicide.. not necessarily committing it, but just what would happen and what kind of methods are most widely used and why. I think most people are chicken shits and they don't want it to hurt. They just want to make everybody sorry and sad, and that's the most selfish reason to do anything, especially dying.

I doubt I should stay here tonight but I don't want to leave Josh here by himself. He gets so sad, and I want to tell him that he shouldn't have to stay in an environment like this, that he should leave. I wanted to talk to him about that earlier but it never seems to be the right time to tell him I think he should move half an hour away from me again... It won't be easy for either of us, but it will be better for him in the long run, I think--I know. So maybe I'll bring it up later this evening. Hopefully it will go smoothly.

*bites into a Butterfinger*