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Wednesday, July 28, 2004

I've become that poster that comes around every couple of days.  And it's not like I'm so busy I can't get to you guys, either.  I'm mostly sitting around doing jack shit these days, lol. 

There's not much newness on the horizon.  Yeah, the wedding thing's approaching but I'm not to stressed out over that.  Gaining weight again, but that was to be expected.  At least I'm smaller than I was at school.  Bonus. 

My phone bill was $200 this month, so if you're reading this do not text message me or I will murder you, no joke.  About $97 of that bill was just from freakin' texts..  Can you believe it??  I'm so cheap, lol.

Umm.. I'm also sad that the Ironbound has ended. Bombard Hugo with mail telling him to start it all over again cuz I'm like going through withdrawal or something. 

That's about it.  Going back to school in a month, so excited!  I love you all.  Laterz.



Monday, July 26, 2004

There were a few setbacks this weekend, but all in all, it was quite pleasant.  Josh came down to visit me for the weekend and we got to spend some much-needed quality time together.  The guy is so sweet; he bought me a "just because" card and everything and I had to read it over again that night with a smile on my face.  Although he might not know it, simple gestures like that stick with me and remind me just why we fell in love.  He's been the sweetest guy ever.  Ever ever.

That said, I did have some trouble with my parents.  Seems they can't let go of little baby Laura who always had to be sheltered and protected from the big bad world.  I'm a little different now, much more confident, less afraid to make mistakes.  (Ohmigosh, I make tons of mistakes--sometimes the same ones a couple of times.)  But the weird part about being my mom's daughter is that she expects perfection or as close to it as possible.  A lot of the time I wonder whether she was as perfect as she made herself out to be when she was young.  I don't talk to her because she refuses to listen, it feels like.  Ugh.  It's just difficult.  But I don't want to complain much more about that.

My grandpa's in the hospital and my brother's down in Louisiana staying with my grandma for morale boosting. My favorite aunt happens to also be there, and they're helping her out.  Pray that my grandpa gets better soon.  It's not looking very good.

As we approach the final weeks before the wedding/trip, my mom grows more nervous.  It's rather cute.  She's supposed to be making her dress but hasn't started yet.. only many pieces of pattern tissue paper are strewn casually about the house.  Some of them took up residence in my room for like 2 weeks before I evicted them. :)  I just hope we can get all of this done.

Anyways, I love you Josh, and have a happy Monday everyone.  Love you all too.  *kisses*


Friday, July 23, 2004

nervous happiness/happy nervousness 

I feel really.. I dunno.  It's an indescribable feeling somewhere between nervous and happy.   Happy nervousness.  Nervous happiness.  And I'm not sure which way's up, only that I have to get through about 5 more hours of this day until I can turn things off and let my heart beat again for the first time in a long time.  It'll be the first time I've really felt real happiness in the past couple of months. 

You know, I read somewhere that romantic relationships that are forbidden keep that new love feeling for much longer than romances that are encouraged.  Somehow I'm not sure that's true.  It's been five years or longer and I pretty much feel the way I felt when we first began.  Contrary to The Five Love Languages' assertion, it's not because we haven't learned about one another.  It's not because we're naive either.  We know each other the way we know the bathroom in the dark.  It's not perfect, but it's familiarity and we feel around for the right switch and it's good to go.  No one else has ever known me so well, predicted me, understood me.  I thought for a while I found a kindred spirit in someone else, but it turns out that I was wrong.  And the one I love knew that and warned me beforehand.  My characteristic stubbornness refused his advice, but he kept there, kept saying the same thing and kept letting me know that his arms were still open once I was ready to be rational and reasonable once again.  And I am, and he's here just in time to take me in his arms.

I spoke with that friend on the phone last night and let him know that I'm not interested in a friend who'll never share with me.  I need more.  Maybe that's high maintenance but I certainly deserve at least that.  So that's over and done with and instead of feeling sad I kind of feel a lightness of heart. 

My little dark cloud is slowly rolling away, and I feel so happy.  When 3:45 rolls around, I'll be jubilant, I think.  Pray that everything goes well for me because I really need this.





Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Bummer. 

Feeling pretty much like a loner these past few days.  Slightly depressed.  I guess it's because of all that's happened and continues to happen since last Friday.  Definitely in a bad mood.   No need for people to step gingerly around me or ask me questions, though, cuz that's even more annoying.  Before friday, though I'm sure that will all change.  At least I hope so.

Josh is making a visit.  I won't tell you when, but he is.   And that has me nervous and excited so much that my stomach is already in knots and I ask him every 5 minutes if he's excited.  Naturally, he is.  But who wants to be asked the same question like 25 times in the same conversation?  Hehe. 

I got invited to a sleepover (yeah people still have non co-ed sleepovers at my age) but my mom says I can't go.  As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever been to a non-family sleepover.  Then again, I haven't been trick-or-treating either, so whatever.  It's kinda sad that I missed out on a lot of the traditional kiddy things, but, looking at it from a parental standpoint, I suppose it was for my safety.  Honestly, though, it seems like a little too protective if you ask me.  Duly noted for my kids when they come (many, many years from now).

Another thing: why the heck can't I find army green cargo pants anymore? Will somebody please tell me wtf is up with that?  I've been looking for them for what seems like years but to no avail.  Actually on last Friday I tried on a pair that was too tight and I was kinda devastated.  Must. Find. Cargos. and before school starts, too.

Yeah geez you can tell I'm not doing so well emotionally.  Damn paragraphs are short short short...  Well I must go.  Later.


Sunday, July 18, 2004

Weekend from Hell 

I'm reluctant to even write about how sucky this weekend has been.  But in the interest of preserving my memories electronically (as my head files are kinda very temporary), here goes:
 
This weekend should have been glorious.  My parents were out of town on business in Florida, having left on Thursday night.  But it all started on Friday morning when I went out to my car to go to work.  I was checking my mirrors when I noticed that my right side mirror was nonexistent.  Panicking, I got out of the car and made my way over to that side to find my mirror dangling from its electrical wires.  Pissed and nervous, I woke my brother and he proceeded to freak out, like myself.  I investigated my car and found that there were no other scratches or dents on it, thankfully.  It seemed like someone intentionally pulled my mirror off and I was quite upset.  After calming down I got my wits together enough to take the blazer to work (the thing pulls hard to the left and it's really a hard drive) and made it there only a few minutes late.  I called my parents on their cell and told them the bad news.  An estimate stated that this damage will take approximately $200 to repair.  Bummer. 
 
Later that evening I called that friend I'm always talking about because I was considering apologizing.  I dunno really what was on my mind then.  I only know that when I called he was cold and distant, and I was hurt.  So I removed both his numbers from my cell and have made a little pact with myself not to call him again.  I refuse to waste time and emotional energy on people who'd rather treat me like shit.    That hurt of course, and it was Friday night so I decided to do a little shopping, which made me feel better.  Needless to say I was in bed rather early, by 11pm.
 
Saturday started out with a little hopeful gleam in its morning sunshine.  I had a date with this guy from work.  We were gonna see I, Robot..no big deal or anything like that.  He called once or twice but I wasn't paying attention to my phone.  When he called the third time he told me he'd be calling around 5 cuz he had to do a couple of errands.  So I lay down at about 2 to take a nap so I'd not yawn during the course of the evening.  Before I went to bed I said, "Lord, if you don't want this to work out, make it so that he doesn't even call."  Then I fell asleep.  Sure enough, 5 came and went with no word from this guy.  At around 6:30 it became unbearably apparent that this guy was standing me up.  I expressed my sadness to Jon who suggested that we go out for dinner and a movie.  Whatever.  I'll take a pity date from my brother.   We ended up having a nice time anyways except for his girlfriend who couldn't seem to stop calling every 20 minutes.  Believe me, when you've been stood up you definitely don't wanna hear someone talking about love and cuddling and garbage like that.
 
We went by the movie theater to see I, Robot.  It was scheduled to start at 10:15 but it didn't get going until about 10:45, so the theater gave us complementary small coke passes.  Woo hoo.  As if that weren't enough, about an hour and fifteen minutes into the film, the film just incinerated.  At first I thought it was a special effect, but when the screen went white I figured that Will Smith's head melting like that didn't make sense.  So we sat there, dumbfounded for a few minutes.  Then the theater gave us free passes.  But I mean, after you've watched a movie for 75 minutes and haven't seen the end, how fun is it gonna be to sit through those same 75 minutes all over again?  You're gonna be all like, "seen it, seen it, seen it.  What's next?"  How annoying.
 
So after getting shit on all weekend, I figured out that this had to be the weekend from hell.  I'm hoping that you fared better than I the past couple of days.


Thursday, July 15, 2004

Looking for Love 

I have a dillemma. 
 
There's always been something deep inside me that's had a will to seek out the beauty of life through love.  Part of me feeds on romance novels and soap operas and sappy movies and even watching couples go hand in hand through the park at dusk.  It's like a sponge that will sop up any romance that gets remotely close to me. 
Conversely, another part of me resists this love sponge with all its might and seeks pleasure in cynicism and sarcasm and generally poking fun at the "yucky love stuff".  It's a battle that's raged on since people read me fairy tales.
 
But I do have this amazing ability to feel.  This amazing yet troublesome capacity to get myself emotionally involved in everything.  I have a personal stake vested in most everything I do.  hurt me.  I cried at work because I felt personally attacked when one of my superiors vented her frustrations at me.  I cheated on my boyfriend, allowing a friendship to become something physical when all I really wanted was to express that I cared.  And I live tensely because I can't seem to separate my definition of me from the way I perform.  I need to be validated and valued. 
 
I need something quite badly.  I need this giant hole in me to be filled.  I know that Answer-Seeking Girl knows the answer to what it is I need so badly, but I'm too damned stubborn to just give in.  So I continue to search for love in different ways.. television, movies, books, music, certain men... nothing works.   Such a capacity for love and it's just not working out.  No matter what I put my heart and soul into I can't ever feel that validation that I'm searching for.  It doesn't come from my parents, though I know they care.  They still will treat my brother differently than they treat me, naturally.  Validation doesn't come from my boyfriend, though I know he cares--I'm still afraid that some unknown and unseen bad thing is going to rip us apart (probably by my doing).  It doesn't come from my work because I feel stupid and incompetent most of the time.
 
Allow me to ask some stupid Christianity questions, if you will.  I know this might draw some people further away from God but I really need to know:  what's the point of having a relationship with someone who can't hold you tight and tell you that everything is going to be alright?  I know that he's real, but sometimes I just need a freaking hug.  How in the world can God hug you?  Can't he manifest himself tangibly for a while and let me lay my head in his lap and pet me and tell me that even though I'm a bad girl he still loves me and always will?  Cuz really, that's the validation I've been seeking for pretty much forever.  And if I could get that, I dunno but I just might come back over to the winning team. 
 
For some of you, that might have just been jumbled gibberish.  If that's the case, please excuse me.  But if you definitely have some answers, I'd be most pleased if you'd share with me. 
 
Anyway, the blog's gotten a bit of a makeover, one which has an indefinite lasting period.  I dunno.  Just needed a change.
 
And by the way, if all goes as planned, next weekend should be a very happy one.  To keep from jinxing it, I'll just wait until the occasion's passed to comment for real on it.  Love you and goodnight.


Okay, you know that friend I was talking to you about? Right. The friendship that was really on the verge of breaking up and I was all distraught, etc? Exactly. Glad you remember.

Well, yesterday evening I get a call from this friend after nearly 2 weeks of no contact whatsoever. Naturally (or maybe not so naturally according to the poll of the office on the subject) I was kinda pissed and let that friend know how I felt.

According to the office geniuses, I overreacted. I shouldn't be mad that someone I'm close to, sharing feelings and thoughts with, doesn't call me or speak to me or even open his/her mouth for 2 weeks? Dude. Then I must be pretty damn high-strung. So now I'm feeling rather stupid. Foot-in-mouth syndrome, you know. So I just gotta call my homey up and apologize for being an even bigger idiot than usual. And I gotta take back that ultimatum I gave, lol.

Oh man, being a human is such an embarrassing existence. ;)

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

My mom and I are pretty close, and we have been for a long while. Nope, I'm by no means a "Daddy's Girl" or anything like that. As a matter of fact, much of the time my dad and I don't get along (he's always yelling at me and I think he thinks I'm a slut). Anyways, since my mom and I are close, we tend to talk about a lot of things and occasionally I'll bounce an idea or two off her. I talk to her about guys and dating and stuff like that. We respect one another's opinions and it's a pretty good relationship. I love her a lot, of course.

There is one subject that we can't talk about, however: the subject of Josh and me. She refuses to believe anything but the absolute worst of him. In her eyes, he took advantage of me and my youth and he was pretty much out to use any black woman he could find. She thinks he brought out the worst in me because when we were together (because now, according to her and pretty much what I've been telling her for the past 5 years now, we aren't) because I've continued to lie to the whole family about the relationship. Nobody's in favor of him; he's a bad influence, choses comme ├ža.

You all have seen the comments Josh has made on my blog. You've seen what I've written about him time and time again. He has his faults, of course, but in him I find that there's way more good than anything else. This guy makes me laugh. He argues with me and will tell me when I'm wrong. He literally licks my tears away. He helps nurture my natural talents and encourages me to follow my dreams. He respects me as a person, as a woman, and an african-american, though when we're together it's hard to remember what color we are. We revel in each other's differences and I love him with all my heart, like I've never loved anyone else before him or ever could love anyone to follow.

He and I have both done our share of bad things to each other, but I don't think we intentionally set out to hurt each other. I especially have had my days where I didn't think we could make it.. sometimes I still think it. But it's never been because I didn't think he loves me or had my best intentions at heart. Josh loves me more than he loves himself, I think. Maybe I think that if he were black it would be different. Maybe I think that if Josh and I were married my family would be incredibly devastated and shake their heads over me as though I'd tied my own noose. Maybe I'm afraid to commit to someone whose imperfections are so damn perfect that I could never make it work, that I'd keep hurting him and hurting him, sabotaging myself until he'd finally give up and leave me like this ungrounded fear keeps whispering in my ear.

But I know he's special. He has to be to love a nut job like myself. :)

So this summer is like every other where I contemplate spilling the figurative beans that I have an affirmative response to "So, do you have a boyfriend yet?" It's pretty much, "Yeah, mom, off and on for the past (insert number--this time it's 5) years now." Last time she called me a "cold-hearted bitch" for lying to her about it, but can anyone anywhere understand why I can't tell my family about the person I love so much?

They met each other the day after Thanksgiving in 2002 and Josh wasn't really an angel, but he wasn't so bad. They thought he dressed a bit shabbily for the occasion (but Josh is totally a t-shirt and jeans kind of guy) and he didn't say the right things during the movie Enough (he has that kind of grating humor where you'll be offended if you don't know him; he's usually kidding). So that meeting was the final nail in his coffin. And he probably won't get another chance with them.

But he deserves one. He's a sweet sweet guy. He called last night after I fell asleep and we talked for like 40 minutes about missing each other and him visiting and love languages and stuff like that. After hanging up I dreamt of swimming with him. I dunno what significance that has... whatever. Anyway, he's the sweetest.

So, I dunno what the story is with me and other guys. Yes, I do date while I'm home, which might or might not be stupid. Josh lets me even though he knows I'm the jealous type and would totally freak if he did the same thing. Why would I ever look anywhere else when the most amazing man is right in front of me? I dunno. It's complicated and I just don't think you're willing to read anymore. :) Thanks for reading thus far; I needed to vent.

Monday, July 12, 2004

I dunno if I told you this, but my brother's home from the military for good, three weeks before he was to be shipped off to Fallujah. And if that's not something to be thankful for, I dunno what is.

That being said, things are rather crowded at my house with five people and all bedrooms occupied. Thankfully, we don't have to share. But everyone's excited and Jonathan's trying to find the balance between being free again and living once again under his parents' roof. I gotta say I understand the dilemma. On the one hand, everyone expects him to be around home because we haven't seen him for a while. On the other hand, he's just broken free from something really stifling. Kinda like coming home from college and finally having free time to do what you wanna do, yet your parents refuse to let you go places solo.

I hope I don't stifle my kids when they grow up. And I hope they don't decide to go wild or anything like that either.

I've been working with Josh to see if I can't get him into the city for a weekend or something so we can hang out together. It'd be nice to see each other in a recreational setting before school starts and I have worries about studying and the like. Part of me is afraid that something bad would happen if he came here, and the other part's just ecstatic to think that he could even come. Fretfulness abounds, obviously. :)

Still haven't gotten paid from this whole month's work, so you can imagine that I'm feeling a little pinched in the wallet. It'll come soon, though. No worries. Well, I'm at work so it's time to go look busy. Later all.

Friday, July 09, 2004

You know how there are some things in your life you just can't escape? That's how it is with me and actually writing on paper. About a couple nights ago I started making entries in a good old-fashioned lined paper journal. Well, I never really kept a journal in a book created for that specific purpose; anytime someone bought me one I wrote a couple of entries and then went back to the good old wide or college ruled notebooks.
Maybe it's redundant to state my thoughts here and then go ahead and write them down, but something about it just feels right. I love the sound a scratching pen makes on paper. Makes me feel like pouring out my soul, you know?

And besides, there are always things you're more comfortable with revealing about yourself to yourself and not other people, even though I have to say you're about the nicest group of people I've ever had the priviledge of knowing. Thanks for reading. I know I don't say that nearly enough. Anyways, I just had some things to sort out that seemed so foggy in the gray matter and they didn't get clear until I actually wrote them down and saw what an idiot I've been. *sigh* I keep rehearsing this mantra to myself, you're worth it, Laura. you're worth it. And then I go and live life as though that isn't true. It gets pushed to the background while I get busy living, you know?

I woke up with a humongous eye today and it was so swollen that I couldn't go to work. Before you suggest that I shouldn't let folks beat on me let me assure you that my swollen eye was not due to domestic violence committed against me, but probably some sort of grossness. I dunno. I really should start cleaning my mascara off better before I go to bed. Note to self, right?

Well.. I suppose that's all except for my brother's out of the army and back home again. Things are kinda crowded in the house, but they've left me here alone temporarily (to my great delight). Already my brother's wanting to borrow my car and reviving his "don't fence me in" mentality. It's always torture to come home after you've been living on your own with no one to really report to. He should adjust, but then again it shouldn't be too difficult for him on account of he's a fella. And face it, that double standard still exists to overwhelming degrees.

Well, that's about it. So later.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Wackiness: 44/100
Rationality: 74/100
Constructiveness: 60/100
Leadership: 62/100


You are an SRCL--Sober Rational Constructive Leader. This makes you an Ayn Rand ideal. Taggart? Roark? Galt? You are all of these. You were born to lead. You may not be particularly exciting, but you have a strange charisma--born of intellect and personal drive--that people begin to notice when they have been around you a while. You don't like to compromise, but you recognize when you have to.

You care absolutely nothing what other people think, and this somehow attracts people to you. Treat them well, use them wisely, and ascend to your rightful rank.




Wednesday, July 07, 2004

I'm sorry I haven't been really insightful or anything for the past few days, guys, but really this summer has been all about living for me mostly. Nothing special has gone on except for the small private things one never speaks about so.. I don't know if there's really that much to tell.

Well, there is the thing between me, my mom and my aunt.. I've been feeling extra claustrophobic at home because you know I love my space. My aunt's trying to find her niche in our house as a single woman living with her sister's family, and it's not like we make it easy for her. I know that's not very nice, but she can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, man. It's like she tries that passive-agressive stuff where she'll suggest that you do something and then whine and whine until you actually do what she wants. If you know us at all, we're not the kind of people who do well with orders, whether given aggressively or passively. And she always wants us to do what she wants cuz she's all about "togetherness" and being a "family" and we're at the point--or at least I am--where we wanna be left alone and do things on our own. So basically she makes us sick. It's so fucking annoying.

Of late she's tried to become my second mother, making me go get things for her and telling me I better obey her, etc. She calls me on my cell and uses up my minutes for stupid banal conversation. She checks up on me, trying to find out where I am and when I'll be home, stuff like that. Now I'm 19 years old and I don't go out that much. And I don't stay out late, either.. I think since I've been home the latest I've been out was 11pm. I'm a good kid and she's checkin up on me and wanting me to leave notes and shit.. Dude I have a car... relax. It's so so so annoying, really. She's lived here for a year and a half and all her kids have houses she could theoretically live in. She has 4 children, all of whom have homes with extra bedrooms. And she's living with us?? Is this bizarro world? Shouldn't the children take their mom in first? Ugh. They're selfish.

Anyways, that's the kind of stuff going on in my life. I'm trying to find my identity as an adult without them breathing down my neck all the time, you know? It's tough going. Yeah I'm sheltered, but I deserve a life of my own also. Jonathan is just like 29 months older and he gets it so much easier.. well, he is a guy, but still.

This is what makes me long to goes back to school. *sigh* Got about 6 weeks left. Plus, I miss Josh. Well, back to work; it's Wednesday and I feel that mid-week slump.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

I'm a bad bad girl, not having written for some time online. Hope you guys haven't been too inconvenienced by my absence, but it's okay because I'm back now. :)

I kinda have some stories from this weekend that I can't tell my parents and I can't tell you really, but it involves my car stopping because I left my lights on in the rain and needless to say when I came back outside my car wouldn't start.. I didn't want to call my parents on account of they weren't aware of where I went exactly and they're all about tsk tsk tsking me.

--pause--

Sorry, I'm working. Where were we? Oh right. I just wanted to let everyone know that Hugo's new book is just amazing and it feels like it's made of crack, cuz I'm addicted to it. He even autographed it for me (which reminds me, I still need to pay him for it...) which made me feel so special.

I feel so tired and kinda cranky on account of this new diet thing my family's on.. It's a lemonade fast where we're drinking fresh-squeezed lemonade with cayenne pepper in it which is supposed to flush out our system. We're supposedly going to lose about 10 or 15 lbs, and I guess I need to.. I dunno. I'm just tired of this whole thing. I wish I could get to the point of disciplining myself where I can actually eat food without jumping on these fad diet things. It leaves you feeling so unfulfilled and joyless. And I love eating! Why shouldn't I? *sigh* I should quit this. Anyway, lemme finish working so I'll ttyl.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Here I am again, without the scales of yesterday's trials clouding my view of the future. Feeling a bit more optimistic, I think, and maybe a little clearer on some other issues that are plaguing me.

First and foremost, there's still the self-esteem issue. While it's getting a lot better, it's not completely resolved. I'm still unnerved by thinness in my presence, but whatever.. you know me. I'll make it and fake it like it doesn't bother me. Besides, I'm seeing the very obvious changes taking place in my own body, ones which make me really happy. I enjoy buying clothes now and they fit! Like yesterday, I got my hands on a reversible dress for $9, which is like two dresses for like $4.50 apiece. And you know shopping bargains make me tingle with pleasure. I also got a pair of cropped jeans and a T-shirt that reads: Spoil Me: I'm Worth It, which is like totally true. I also got a little outfit with pink cropped pants and a two-in-one top. Oh, and I got an outfit for my aunt for her birthday, a top and pants. She loved it. Guess what: on all the stuff I mentioned, I didn't even spend $100! So I got three whole outfits and a dress for less than $100, including tax and everything. Life is good.

There's another issue I'm having with a close friend of mine. I wish that I could make things different between us and kind of erase the history that's now having negative influences on the friendship from my side, but I can't. And I'm trying to decide if it'd be better to just go ahead and sever my left arm and just live without him, but that would of course be painful and unsightly. I sincerely enjoy our friendship and all that it entails but it just seems like it won't get any better for me. But I don't like giving up on the things that I love, and yeah I do love him in a certain way. I just dunno what's gonna come of it.

I'm at work at the moment though, trying to look busy and enjoying the clicking of my fingers on the keys... oh well. Anyways... I suppose I should go and actually look busy. So, umm.. yeah. Leave your always insightful comments on my life below. And peace out.

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