I spend my days lazily still, with that anticipation characteristic of the couple of weeks prior to the beginning of the new school year. It's a mixture of anticipation and nervousness, part of which I attribute to the fact that I've a clean slate and can create whatever I want out of this blank canvas. Interesting though they've been, neither of the previous two years have to matter when I set foot in Ann Arbor next week. New roommate, new rules, new life.

Exhilirating, I think, but also scary.

I went to wal-mart and target this afternoon and did the majority of my school shopping, then I packed it all up in the drawers where it goes. As soon as I finish packing up the rest of my clothes, I should be completely finished. A few more loose ends to tie, but I have the next week for that...

I'm trying to deal with the resurfacing of a friend of mine who I have/had feelings for. It's not like I want these things going on in the back of my mind, but it's really hard to ignore those times when he calls and I have to make up an excuse about being busy so we don't have to talk so long. Cuz then I get that urge to see him, and I can't. And more importantly, I don't want to. Nothing good would come of it.

I keep wondering why all the guy friends I've made have backed off me or have begun to treat me like shiznit. I would think it's my fault for being so demanding, but it's not like I'm asking for much: someone to listen to me, someone to care about what I say and offer suggestions/advice, and someone to be loyal. I'd expect no less from a female friend. So anyone who won't stick around can fuck off for all I care. I deserve better.

So sorry there's nothing of substance here lately, people, but I suppose this is one of those phases I'm in again where there really isn't much to say. I should probably think of starting a new blog and deliver you invitations to there. This one's getting stale.

***I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.

Everybody seems to be growing a bit more peeved these beautiful two weeks before school starts.. ah well. I'm not really. If no one else will, I'll say that sleeping 'til at least 11:30 becomes be beautifully. So there.

I must say that shopping a bit became me yesterday. I came home with a few shirts and a cute little green and blue messenger bag that's gonna double as my overnight bag/makeshift emergency backpack. I'm a bit more confident that things will work out appropriately this year. My roommate sounds like a nice girl, eager to please. I don't doubt that she'll be fine to live with.

If I could get things together, I'd go out to Wal-Mart and get the rest of my school shopping done. I have yet to pack stuff and I'm feeling incredibly lazy hehe. Oh man. So.. I don't have much else to say right now since I've only been up a couple of hours. I'll have to talk to you later. Be good.

Hello. Allow me to reintroduce myself. I'm Laura, and this remains my blog. Things have been so hectic the past two weeks or so that I've neglected you yet again and do feel sorry for it. We had the vow renewal ceremony like two weeks ago and last week found me on a 7-day cruise through the carribbean. I'm like John Mayer in his song "3x5", so don't look for a huge number of photos. I'm totally unattached to my cameras and never get things developed so it was a waste of time and money to bring a camera at all. And last week my phone and I were forcefully separated so I could find a way to enjoy myself without worrying about whether or not I'd be charged for roaming in Puerto Rico or running about the deck of the Golden Princess praying to God for a signal. It wasn't worth it, and I had a much more wonderful time without my mobile.

I got a chance to reconnect with my little cousins and their half-sisters, who I pretty much find freaking awesome. We hung out the entire week and it was good to be around folks my own age for a change this summer. I didn't get my chance to smooch a waiter because, as it turns out, most of them were from Romania. Not that that's a problem other than the language barrier, but there was also the other problem that they weren't cute at all, lol. I did do a little winking and such, but that was just to practice my eye aim. So.. all in all, the ship was fine. The islands were good, too. Remind me of something in 5 years: if I'm not living in Spain by that time, I wanna at least take yearly vacations in Aruba. The sand is white and the water is so clear you can see the bottom. The fish swim right up to shore and nibble your toes when you wade in. I could have stayed on the beach there forever.

My cousins got burned when we went off ship in Grenada, but I mostly enjoyed myself getting in the water. The only drawback was, by the time I got ready to take off my bathing suit in the shower back on ship, there was sand in every crevice. And I do mean every. I went out each night looking and feeling very hott for the first time in a long time, and it really boosted my ego. And it was good to see my parents spending some time together not yelling at each other due to stress. The whole thing was positive pretty much, and I'm thankful for the experience.

Now I'm just getting things ready to go back to school around the 3 or 4 of September. Much to do, so I'll leave you to your own work. Btw, visit my photo gallery if you'd like to see a couple of the pictures I did buy (professional photos, of course). Later!

To be honest with you, most of the time I doubt that I'm a very happy person on the inside. There are so many things I wish went more smoothly in my life that they tend to affect the happy times and color them a shade darker. I guess I still have never learned to accept myself for who I am with all my faults. Honestly, I wonder how I can really love Josh since I don't particularly care for Laura all that much. I think about why she doesn't have friends, why she pushes people away. I wonder why she immerses herself in fiction when the real world is happening all around, why she sometimes prefers even that to real people. I suppose all that makes me prickly such that I can't keep anyone around but those with thick skins. Even stupid people have friends. I'm not stupid, so how come I don't?

I dunno.

And I'm depressed quite a lot. It's been this way ever since I went to high school, I think, and learned that I was really different. For a while I was capitalizing on what made me different and special, but now I just feel like it's not nearly enough to make me attractive.. not just as a woman, but as a person, you know?

Right now I'm just too tired to think. More maybe later.

Geez. It's been one helluva long while since I posted in this blog, so long that I can barely remember what's going on in my life. That's sort of a half truth. It's more that I've gotten out of the habit of writing and it's like reintroducing myself to someone who was my best friend years ago. The closeness is still underlying there, but there's that uncomfortable distance.

I'm babbling.

Josh has started (or restarted) keeping a journal. It's interesting to read his thoughts after they've flown from him. Usually when we talk I get one-word responses; that, or our conversations end up as mostly sound effects (i.e. "kiss-kiss" or "hug-hug", etc). It's good to know what he's thinking and feeling about real things. Amazing how difficult it is to get that sort of thing out of him in a conversation.

My life's been busy. It started last year with my cousins' weddings. It was then when my parents decided they'd be renewing their vows for their 25th anniversary. A charming idea in theory, yes. Who knew how much work it'd be in practice. The past six months have been devoted to the blessed event. And the last three have been even more sleepless nights and busy days devoted to finding the perfect accessories to complete the day. As we count down the final six days to August 14, things are getting strained strained strained in this house. I'd like to be able to just take the rest of August and just get away, but that's not gonna happen. We've a cruise to go on on the 15th, but instead of feeling excited it's just stressful. I'm wondering if I'll be able to fit my clothes, if people will find me nauseating in a bathing suit, if I'll be pretty.. I dunno. Everything. It's just nausea and nerves.

Not to mention my aunt who's still living with us and getting on my last nerves. She feels that she has the right to be with my mom because she's her sister.. I'm like yeah ok that's fine. She's calling herself the maid of honor in my mom's anniversary/wedding thing and my aunt's the matron of honor. And she says that there's only one maid of honor, so I can't have the honor of a distinguished title. It hurts my feelings, but I'm like let the baby have her bottle. I've been more instrumental in helping than she has anyway. I totally wish she would get her own place and mother her children over there instead of making my life hell here. It's a shame I can't really rest during summers because it's like having two moms. Whatever.

My brother's totally pms-ing. Nobody can say anything to him without him blowing a gasket or whatever because he's feeling bad about the bad things he's done. I just wish he would shut up and leave me alone. That'd be nice. Oh well.
And finally,

My grandfather passed last Friday. He'd been struggling with complications with his colon and finally decided to get eternal rest. It's difficult to deal with because he's been the only grandfather I've ever really had.. My mom's father is a deadbeat jerk. I can remember only one thing he's ever done for me in 19 years. And I think his woman actually footed the bill for that. It's painful to be rejected that way as a granddaughter, but it's probably worse for my mom to be rejected by her own father, so.. I guess I got the better deal in everything. I'm sad that I dont' have a grandfather anymore and this is the first time I've ever really dealt with the death of someone close to me. *sigh* The funeral was good though.. he got a wonderful sendoff. And I know where he's buried and everything. I just hate that my grandma's alone in the huge house they just bought like a month ago. I wish I could help her. Oh well. I hope she finds happiness somewhere else.

I don't leave for school until September 3, so I've got about a month left of dealing with everything here. I wish I could have saved more money this summer, but I've incurred so many bills it's rediculous. This cell phone is no joke, either. I've got to get a credit card so I can maybe pay the immediate things off and let the other stuff go a bit longer. I'll figure it out. Stay cool, everyone.