Sunday, February 29, 2004

And once again, I am the scourge of the earth.

Well, against all wishes of mine, I was forced to go to "The Passion...". It wasn't torture, as I thought it'd be, but it's mainly the principle of the thing that made me upset. Anyways, the movie was decent and I did shed some tears (I didn't end up bawling, though) against my initial judgment. What helped me change my mind about not crying was the fact that I'm a movie cryer, and if I could cry at a movie like "Meet Joe Black", I could stand to cry about Jesus' mom's reaction to seeing her son in such pain.

Anywho, I don't really believe I've much to talk about tonight. I sort of feel numb about this past week, while I wish I could feel something, you know? Like relaxed or excited or anything.. I don't feel anything, though, and it seems like my mind is trying to wash over it and block it out for some incredibly strange reason. It's not like I did anything worth forgetting, but apparently my subconscious thinks so and wants me to forget. I dunno, everyone.

*sigh* Truthfully I'm definitely far from being ready to return to school to finish out the year. Everyone I've met during break has been surprised at my being here; to my annoyance, I always have to explain that this week was spring break. Yes, it was early, but I'm getting out for good at the end of April. Deal with it, people! Geez. But it's over now, and all that's left is to go to the airport tomorrow and fly back to my home/dorm. On the plus side, I suppose that does place me somewhat closer to Josh and some of my other friends, but on the minus, it takes me away from others. I suppose you can't please everyone, though.

I do feel as though I've learned some things about myself this break, though. Aside from my blog's slutty new look, I learned that I'm not as fragile as I thought. But then again, hard times always remind me of that fact. I also learned that things aren't always simple as we try to make them, that relationships between people (platonic or otherwise) are multifaceted and many-layered.

For some reason, right now I wish that someone would hold me. At the end of the day, I guess I'm still just a scared little girl in search of a bit of affirmation.

Friday, February 27, 2004

If you really think about the number of people we're obliged to, you'd realize that society is never truly free. I don't believe there's any such thing as freedom. All our choices are limited, you know, by law and order, by religion, by each other. Not that those things are bad, but I just want you to understand where I'm coming from.

Think about it:

You're obligated to your family, your job, your lover, the credit card company, the utility people, your friends, and, most of all, yourself. If you let any of these people down, negative things result. For instance, if you tell your mother and your friends to sod off, you'll be left with nobody to chill with on weekends or return home to for Thanksgiving. If you then proceed to tell your lover that you want to see someone new--permanently, you're going to be stuck at home on weekends and holidays beating off to your favorite porn. Of course, if you then proceed to send a check for $0 and a cheerful little "fuck you" to your utility company, you'll be stuck at home on weekends and holidays beating off in the dark.

And just a couple of late arrivals to work due to your lack of electricity at home will render you unemployed, which cuts off your access to your home, which means you'll be stuck outside in the cold, permanently alone, pleasuring yourself for the entertainment of strangers on the street.

It's a delicate balance, people, and no matter how rebellious and revolutionary we think we all are, we're really just catering to an extensive network of people, companies, and ideas around us. Those of us in the workforce dress uncomfortably, but appropriately to fit in with the stereotype that lends a sense of stability to our image. That way, we get more business. I, as a woman, straighten my hair to fit in with my boyfriend's sense of what's beautiful, even though it takes three hours just to get it looking the way he likes it. I've even stopped saying "ain't" when I'm at college in order to fit into the "intelligent" stereotype of the enlightened college student.

Alright, this is getting political now. I'll stop. But really, I wanted to get your attention on how many things we owe other people. Maybe it's just resentment that I have to spend the last weekday of my vacation in a stuffy office visiting my mother's colleagues, or maybe, just maybe, I don't want to be beholden anymore.

Life doesn't work that way, so I'll be leaving in about 20 minutes.

I feel like... I dunno.

I used to wish that these were the days of old, maybe in the south perhaps, where women walked about in fire traps and men talked and dealt in honor. But then again, if these were times of old, I wouldn't be anywhere else but outside picking cotton, unless I were a "house Negro". So maybe I don't wish for that. Chivalry is more like it. But then again, I don't feel like a very honorable person, with all the wheeling and dealing I've done in my past. Isn't it strange how your past never leaves you and never lets you forget it? If only we could deal in love the way we deal with all our shortcomings. If only relationships were as deep and lasting as our psychological issues, you know? Haha. We're all not only sluts, but nutbaskets to boot.

I'd planned to do some extensive thinking this evening, but as you can see, I ended up in front of the television with a big pizza watching "Gone with the Wind". Part of me wonders what Scarlett could have seen in that foppish Ashley when she had a sexy and debonair man like Rhett around, but women never want what is already theirs. They want something more, something deep and complex... Like men. I suppose, then, that that truth is universal: people always want something more than what they have. We never want what's safe and pleasant because that's positively boring. Not only do we want passion and romance that never ceases to amaze us, but we also want to be desired by other people. That's why people end up divorced after 10, 7, or even 3 years of marriage: the thrill of romance is gone and there's nothing left to feel excited about. You wake up to the same person each morning, see them with eyeboogers, messy hair and morning breath, and suddenly life has become stale.

This is what leads me back to my epiphany that we are all sluts at heart, you know? We want a safety net of someone to always come home to, but we want to go to the clubs at night and wear sexy clothing and be desired by every man and/or woman in the room. We want to do our dirt, wash ourselves off and return to our beloved. Yeah.. it's disgusting, but true. Don't tell me you've never even considered it. I mean, that's the motivation behind swinging, orgies, and open relationships.

I myself want security and love and passion too... Unattainable dream though it may be, I want all that enough to last me forever, until I'm old and crusty and can't even see my own reflection without glasses. I want to be made love to and romanced and even (dare I say it) "f*cked" senseless by the one I love, forever. While things don't remain the way they were during the honeymoon, I still want that. Who knows? Maybe it'll happen to us. I wonder...

Life and love are no longer as simple as they once appeared when I was 14; I can tell you that.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

I've pretty much spent this week avoiding my parents during daylight hours, for some reason; however, I may have unintentionally hurt their feelings. It's weird though. They work practically the entire day and when they come home they don't have anything they really feel up to doing... I offer to do things but they always are like, "Hmm.. maybe not," or "Why don't we do that later in the week?" Then they proceed to set up more engagements for me. Saturday, for instance, they'd planned for all of us to see "The Passion" , the Mel-Gibson-directed film. It's sure to be controversial, no doubt, and more so for the reason that I had a wet dream about him by girl standards a long time ago. Not that there's anything at all sexy about the crucifixion of our Lord, but I really really want Mel Gibson and I just don't feel comfortable desiring him while watching a movie with a bad actor portraying Jesus. God's certain to be watching and wondering if they got His character down pat. *shivers*
Anyways, I declined to attend through one of their "Oh, it's okay, honey.. You don't have to go if you don't want to"-clauses, and I can see that it might have hurt their feelings a little, so now I feel guilty. But then again, this is vacation and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to spend it practically--if not fully--alone. That's just the type of person I am. My mom understands, if even just a little.

Don't ask me why I'm up and cognizant so early because I honestly couldn't tell ya. I remember waking up initially to the sounds of marching coming from below. Before I began to fear that the world had ended and the marching signaled the apocalypse's headless horsemen (it had to be about 6am, people), I realized that it was just my mom and aunt doing their "Walk Away The Pounds: 1 Mile Workout" tape. Don't laugh. It's such a good workout that I've kept away from it all week, lol.

So if you don't find me on later, I've found some way to busy myself around the house or around Chicago. Which reminds me: I still haven't gotten my chicken wings with mild and hot sauce or any pizza. If you'd like to change all that and you live within driving distance of my house, give me a ring at home. I'll be here all day.

EDIT: Looks like I found that post there, partner. Here it is for your viewing pleasure.

I'm supposing that God had it in for that last post, because Blogger certainly ate it.

I'll have more interesting tidbits for you to suck on later.

*cracks up* That was some funny stuff, hehe.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Tomorrow is one of my last days spent relaxing at home, and then we move into the weekend. I knew when I arrived here at home that returning to Ann Arbor was inevitable, so I dunno why it makes me so darn irritated. Ah well. At least I got some things done while I was here.

I just love this new layout. It's so damn sexy.
I'm glad I found a black model for the lips and stuff, even though it's rare to find one. I can identify with her more. Yayness.


I assume you didn't understand the slutty new facelift.

My blog looks slutty, yes. That was intentional, so I'm glad it conveyed my message. The point of it all is that it's alright to feel sexy and free. Who defines what a slut is? I think it's a completely personal thing. So perhaps a better way of putting it is that I feel sexy and free. Maybe those women we point out as sluts feel the same way too, so I'm going to identify myself as one of them. I don't have to sleep around to feel sexy and free. I don't have to wear revealing or tight clothing (though I like it sometimes...hehe). I don't have to be loud or obtrusive. And even if I were all those things, what would it matter?

Hmm.. it might, maybe for the girlfriends of the men who couldn't stop salivating over me as I strolled past. Not for me and Josh, though (excluding the casual sex thing, obviously).

Nonetheless, if my blog encompasses what some people think of as slutty, then sobeit.. I'll cater to that definition. Besides, it makes me smirk, and isn't that all that matters in the end?

In other words, no identity issues here, kids. And I think I'm doing a pretty good job with html.

I feel like pulling off my turtleneck and strutting about in bra and panties. This winter has been too long already and I want to let loose.

So.. You understand the slutty new facelift--I hope.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

How can I explain it to you after I've lived it? 

Today was interesting, the only word I can use to describe it. I didn't do much, just chilled around here then went out for a little while... It was cool to feel on my own again in the city. I didn't realize just how much I've forgotten from being away for so long. Things are different, expensive, foreign, strange to me. I feel sort of like a tourist again.

Anyways, I found myself deep in thought for much of the day, in contrast to what seemed to pass by in a whirlwind around me. I was just letting my thoughts wander to everything from my body to my relationship with Josh to the decisions I make and how they've affected my future, you know? I didn't necessarily draw any conclusions, but I suppose I've thought about things a bit more.

*sigh* And right now my body and mind are both totally exhausted, you know? I'm just tired like you wouldn't believe. Aching muscles have sort of plagued me throughout today, but thankfully they didn't bother me too much while I was out. For some reason right now I just want to be held close and kept warm, even though I probably won't get that for a while and I don't really deserve to be loved and protected with all the things I've done wrong in my past... it's amazing how I let all of that stuff still haunt me to this day. But still, I want to be cuddled close by my love and petted and told that the future and the past don't matter, just the present as long as we can be together.

Enough chilling and fun over the past two days; the other four are more about my engagments and such. Ah well.. it's a shame a vacation can't really be a vacation with all the things I'm required to do. Hopefully I can take care of the majority of them tomorrow.

And now for something that hits close to home:


Hang out my window and over your head
Stare at your feelins
To see where they end
You're waiting here for someone else to break you
From the inside
You've been so composed
We all know

There's always somethin tearin you apart
It's always so much longer than you counted on
It hits you so much harder than you thought
But you don't worry
You don't worry
Cuz you got soul

Girl you're so heavy
You're so misunderstood
And I spent all my wishes
Wishin times were good (when I still could)
You're waitin round here for someone else to take you
Past the good side
You've been here so long now
We all know

There's always somethin
Tearin you apart
It's always so much longer than you counted on
It's hits you so much harder than you thought
But you don't worry
You don't worry
Cuz darlin you got so much soul

Darlin you got so much soul...

There's always somethin
Tearin you apart
It's always so much longer than you counted on
It hits you so much harder than you thought (than you ever thought it would)
But you don't worry
You don't worry
You don't worry
You don't worry
You don't worry
You don't worry

Cuz you got soul

--Rob Thomas, Paul Doucette, and Kyle Cook of Matchbox Twenty

Monday, February 23, 2004

Relax your mind.. lay back and groove with mine... 

I was talking to my mom about this earlier possibly yesterday.

I rather like the person I've become. Granted, she has her faults, but I think she's funny, sweet, interesting, and marginally brilliant. :) If I were anyone else and could get past the fact that she might be rough on the edges, I'd totally befriend Laura. She's so great, and she'd do anything for you, whether she likes you or you grate her nerves. That's always been the person I want to be. Not a doormat, but someone who you can count on for a listening ear or a helping hand when you desperately need one. I want to be counted on, you know? And trusted--although that's altogether another thing, and something that's definitely more difficult to earn.

Right now I feel quite good. I spent time today being especially lazy, which was more than merely enjoyable.. mom called at 2 or so and even though I heard the phone ring I didnt answer, which was really nice. For once I wasn't beholden to anyone--just on vacation. And tomorrow will be a little more of the same, only perhaps I'll encorporate a little entertainment into the mix.

Geez guys, I think this is weird, multiple bloggings in 1 day.. I'm just certain I'll have more effervescence for you later this evening, for some reason. Stay cool.

Forgive my indecision, I am only [wo]man... 

For some reason, even though I'm vacationing I haven't been able to sleep. I've been staying up nights until 3am or later, which is like 4am my time in Ann Arbor... I don't even really feel particularly tired when I finally lie down for the night, and then I end up waking up around 8 or 9 each morning. I dunno, guys.

So.. I'm feeling a bit anxious for unexplainable reasons, and I haven't been talking much except to my parents. Then again, that's pretty much only surface talking, and you all know I'm one for idle conversation at all times. Maybe I'll drink some tea, take a chill pill, and call you in the morning.

Or maybe I'll write you some more later on.

But it's all the same to me... 

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Life as usual... 

Another day...

You'd think that if I were on vacation I'd actually be doing some vacationing, but then again I have plopped down right in the middle of my family members' lives. In that case, I can't assume that the world will stop just because I don't have any particular place to be. Well--that's not entirely true. It seems like my mom has scheduled me to be practically everywhere during this short week: from visiting people I barely know downtown to coming to her job and networking myself into a job to going to HS again to visit to going to CSU for homework help... umm.. I don't think so. I came here for respite from school and I'll be darned if I don't spend most of my days sleeping off the dark circles from beneath my eyes.

Today my mom had me at work with her from about 11 to almost 4, followed by a hair appointment. Tomorrow (or today--Sunday) I'm scheduled to read a poem in church for the Black History service. *sigh* I haven't really gotten a chance to truly chill yet, although I have watched two DVDs: The Mexican and Chicago (which totally made me want to learn to dance). So.. starting Monday I'm going to have mega free time to get myself together for the appearances I'll have to be making at various places this week.

Enough bitching and moaning though. I did really miss my mom and I'm glad to be back. It's good to be in my bed, seeing the clutter of my own bedroom. It's good to be back, but I don't want to stay too long because freedom feels really great, I gotta say. Ah well.. I'll be giving that up soon enough for the summer.

What have you been up to since last I posted? Stay cool and I'll see you around.

Friday, February 20, 2004

Sometimes I feel like it's all coming together.. This week has been relatively good, possibly due to the fact that I'm going on vacation from school starting tonight :) I'm so happy I could burst, and it seemed like no matter how many setbacks I faced earlier this week I could overcome them and finally relax. It's an awesome feeling people, I tell you..

more later.

A little medias res to get you goin' in the morning...  

That night symbolized the turning point in their relationship. After the madness ended and they came to their senses, he came to where she lay on the floor littered with clothing, her papers, his old blueprints and other wreckage from the battle of wills that had just taken place hours before in the arena of their living room. She lay there in a heap, dried tears encrusted at the corners of her eyes; trails of salt left a difinitive roadmap to where the moisture had been. He had finally reduced her to what she claimed she would never be: emotional, needful--anything but her characteristic strength. But instead of feeling the self satisfaction of victory, as he assumed he would, he felt only wretched. Afraid for a moment, he watched her curled frame stir sleepily. Years of sleeping beside her clued him in on what was happening inside her--dreams. And at that moment he wanted her more than he ever could have wanted her before their lovemaking grew less and less frequent, less passionate. The built up resentment for her that fired angry words from his mouth like torpedoes just hours before suddenly imploded and spread down his body like lava as sexual energy. He touched her hair, warmed from the heating vent she'd curled up beside for warmth. He wanted to warm her by holding her close, warm her body outside and then warm her mouth with his kisses and warm her body inside with their lovemaking. He wanted to feel her again, the way they had been when they were newly in love and sex was the delightful nectar sweeter than it had ever been before, when they could not help but sample heaven again and again until he would wake up and find his mouth still pressed against her breast.

That's all for now, ppl..Hmm I wrote this before class.. I might finish it later on; I like it very much already.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

So when you get together with someone and exchange "I love you"s and perhaps more, you are no longer your own. I get that; my actions now affect the lives of two people: me and my beloved. The part that's difficult for me is accepting, respecting and following the other person's wishes sometimes. I mean, there's a huge part of me I have to stifle in order to do that and it's really uncomfortable. In all honesty, I think that if the shoe were on the other foot this probably wouldnt' be an issue, and the only reason it's that way is because it already fizzled out on its own. So maybe what I start up doesn't fizzle out so easily or so quickly. Maybe that is my fault, but I mean, as long as I stay within the "legal" stipulations of the relationship I think it should be okay.

But then there's that stupid ugly guilt power thing that looms over whatever I want to do, tainting it, sapping the entertainment. Ugh. Sometimes a tiny part of me still wishes I were single... not so I could go out and get men, but just so that if I did what I wanted it wouldnt' hurt anybody or bother anyone. But that's a horrible thing to say.

Talking in circles sucks, doesn't it? Someone shoot me.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

No letting go, no holding back... 

The title's from a Wayne Wonder song.

Sometimes I have no idea what I want to say or what's really going on in my own head. And sometimes I'm so sure about things and other times it's like there's nothing to cling to and I'm totally lost... Do you know what I mean?

Not that I necessarily feel totally lost right now, but I am conflicted about things I'm too ashamed to tell my own journal, or you... Nothing major and life changing, but enough to peeve me just a bit.

See, this is why I hate telling people about my journals whenever I get them. Although I do succumb to the vanity of having others read my junk and actually care about my life, I still long for that privacy that would allow me to express myself completely and totally uninhibited for the rest of the world who isn't privy to personal information about my life--just what I want to share. Alas, that's the way things work with me on the net, and so it has been for a very very long time. One day I will suck it up and start being completely open and honest.

Had a midterm in Women's Studies today.. two essays. Finished 12 or so minutes early and then came back here to chill a bit.. it's nice. I so can't wait until spring break so I can finally really relax! Ugh college runs you ragged people. I just realized my hair is much shorter than it used to be before I was here, and that makes me sad. When I get stressed my hair falls out and stuff.. boo.. Ah well.

I really need to study some orgo and bio; got tests coming up. I'll ttyl.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Hi.. I've been making dolls nonstop all day, it seems.. and I made what I call a "hopeful self-portrait". She's so adorable! Got the base from Xandorra's website (link previous post) and the rest is all me! I've only started yesterday and I think it's gotten really really good.. so excited!

*bounces up and down*

Well, gotta study now.. night all *kiss*

Here's Laura, the "hopeful self-portrait"
© Laura Farr 2004

Some things are just better the way they were. 

I returned to my old layout, not that any of you cared either way.. Actually josh expressed some distaste about it and I wasn't really that partial to it myself so it's been cut in favor of the old way. The vanity in me did miss that big near-mugshot of me on the top right corner anyways.

Not much else except stuff I shouldnt be doing, i.e. procrastination, but I'm so ready for spring break it's not funny. Will be vacationing in about 4 days, yay! I deserve it. Hoping that when I come back I won't run myself so ragged again and will try not to neglect sleep so much.

That's it.. did a lot of work with graphics tonight in the new world of dollmaking.. produced quite a cutie:

Base made by I believe it was Xandorra?

Delia is my first doll, so go easy on her as I will improve my technique. Made in Adobe Photoshop.

Anyway, Grace is sleepy so I'll say goodnight. Josh, I love you! *kiss*

Sunday, February 15, 2004

btw, U of Michigan does not get tomorrow off. Doesn't that suck?

Last night was really enjoyable. Sometimes it seems like Nicole and I are rather frosty, but once we get going there's a momentum there that makes stuff really fun. We tried to get to a place called D'Amato's but I forgot that on Valentine's Day everyone wants to go to a restaurant with his beloved and eat himself stupid, then prepare for some lovin'. We, on the other hand, just wanted to eat ourselves stupid. Thankfully we went to Mongolian Barbecue and actually made that happen.. it was great. We each had 3 bowls and then I was the friend who knew "when to say 'when'" before we made the journey back to the buffet of fixin's for a fourth. Did you ever notice how men always take tiny women to restaurants? I think it's because they know they won't end up spending a fortune on dinner. There's no way either of us could go to Mongolian for a first date, we speculated, because we'd end up scaring the guy away due to our aggresive appetites.

It turned out to be really fun. It's great to have a girl to laugh with, for once.

Anywho, not much new for this Sunday. I'll be on vacation for spring break soon, though, which should be nice. People are already booking me to speak at certain venues I won't mention right now because they might not come through.. whateva. But it next week should be relaxing in between studying for the tests I'll have upon my return.

That's bout it.. love you all and stay cool.

Saturday, February 14, 2004

I feel quite nice right now. It's more of a peaceful tiredness twinged with a touch of sadness because my love always has to leave, I suppose. But right now it's pretty much all good here.. feelin the love and such. Prolly gonna hit the books later on tonight after a nap or something... But in case you want to know what we did to celebrate:

We left yesterday afternoon for the hotel... He had this look in his eyes like I was the most beautiful creature he had seen when he picked me up at my room. I was getting stuff together to leave and he just came close and hugged me, then lay his head on my shoulder for a while. Even though it was kinda uncomfortable, I let him lay there as long as he wanted. We got a cab and checked in at the hotel, then went to the room which had a king sized bed. The only part was that there was a cheezy mirrored wall which I deemed the "porn mirror" so you can, I suppose, watch yourself screw someone else. It was so funny, and you know Josh is a character so he jumped on me (fully clothed) and we watched ourselves in the mirror, laughing. Needless to say that was a running gag last night. Anyway, we grabbed something to eat at Chili's which was packed, for some reason, then we went back to the room, played around, and watched Conan. Then we decided to turn in. He woke me up nicely this morning (need I say more?) and afterward we fell asleep until 10:30, checked out, and headed back to campus where we ate at his favorite restaurant and then came here to chill. That was nice. Then we napped and waited until it was time for him to go... and now he's gone.

I gave him the poem I wrote.. hopefully he likes it. I just have to say that this is one of the most beautiful V-days I've had... Amazingly we didn't break up the week before and we got to spend last night together. He was really sweet the entire time and I'm so impressed with him! I love him so much.

Not sure I'm doing anything special tonight, but even if I don't, it's fine. I had a good time last night and the happiness will carry over to tonight, I'm sure. I feel love all around.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

I've been on cloud 3000 all evening, which has been wonderful. I learned that my love will be coming out to see me tomorrow and we'll be together on Valentine's eve and day.. so great! But I still have to call Nicole and make sure we're still on for Valentine's night.. that should be really fun.

I also had about 40 bangle bracelets, four of which I made into earrings since I don't have any hoops.. two of them are full size and two of them I cut down to reasonable size. It's so awesome to be able to make your own accessories, though. I'm totally thrilled beyond expression. :) Did I tell you my Daddy sent me a dozen pink, white, and red roses plus a teddy bear plus candy?? I feel sooooo loved this year, man. Maybe I'll stop hating V-day.

Well.. no class until 10 tomorrow, woohoo, so I'm gonna go waste some more time. Loveliness. Peace out, yo.

I'm glad to see that sometimes people are thinking with respect to their futures, but it sort of saddens me when they see me as a hindrance or liability. For example, I visited my French prof's office hours right after class (keep in mind the crush has been over for weeks now) and he only chatted with me in the conference room, which made me feel kind of weird. I guess if I look at it the other way he was sort of trying to protect my reputation also... it's still weird though, like anyone would even fathom that we could be doing something improper in the 20 minutes he spent reviewing stuff with me.
I did straighten my hair for unrelated reasons, but I suppose that still doesn't help my case any. People will think what they like.

For some reason, I've been interested in couture lately. That and fashion design sort of make my heart beat faster whenever I think about it. I'd love to be a part of that world, designing wearable art and parading it in front of hundreds of people who live lives of high prices, bravados and snobbery (look at me generalize, ma!) yet still think their lives are worthless. It's funny though; I remember being little and constructing artistic fashions. Later on, after maybe a year or so I'd see them on the runway.. it's like someone was following my doodlings. I'd think it was a coincidence also except for my mom told me the same thing used to happen to her as well.. Maybe someone is following the F___ women and bringing their fashions to life. Weird.

I've been looking forward to Valentine's Day but I still haven't heard anything. Josh and I had planned to go out tomorrow, but I've yet to hear from him so I'll assume all reservations are naught. It's somewhat disappointing, to be sure, but at least I'm not sitting alone on actual Valentine's Day. Nicole and I are going to see if we can go to the Necto (a club around here that's 18+) for a bit. If we don't like it we'll hang out somewhere else and like watch movies or something, which should be fun. Il faut que nous mangeions beaucoup de chocolat pendant nous regardons le video, je pense... trés amusant.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

"Hand" me a towel, please 

This morning all I can think about is hands. You know, I really think I must have some sort of fetish with them because they can be incredibly sexy. There's nothing that turns me on more than a man with a good pair of thick masculine hands with neatly trimmed nails. His hands don't have to be super soft.. it doesn't matter. I just like to be touched by hands, anywhere. My face, body, mouth.. I could get graphic and part of me really wants to but this is a public venue and I don't want to talk about arousal (dangit). Anyway, I remember one boy in particular who I thought I was just in love with who had a wonderful pair of hands. Quincy used to play piano (and he wasn't too bad at it now that I think of it, but at the time I thought he could rival Mozart himself) and he had what my mother called "piano fingers": long, thin, almost bony fingers perfect for reaching those far-apart keys. It's probably what made him a decent pianist.. ah well. I could have held his hands for forever, if he'd let me back then. But he was a stupid boy and I was an infatuated girl, so alas, all I have is memory.
Despite the slightly annoying fact that Josh bites his nails, his hands still turn me on. what he does with them makes me weak in the knees... The feel of his hand in mine, or the touch of them anywhere, frankly, turns me to a quivering pile of mush. He doesn't understand how sometimes I could like being touched better than being kissed or something else, and I dont either, really, but that's how it is.

I've always taken pride in the ability to manipulate my own html, but my skill level just wasn't suiting me. I wanted a blog that spoke to me, a design that made me feel peaceful enough to reveal myself through words. Finally, I've found that design--until the next one, anyway.

That's all I wanted to say now except that Josh and I may have Valentine's Day plans. I'm feeling rather excited about that because we're either unable to be together or broken up come Valentine's Day every year. This time just may be different. :) cross your fingers for us, won't you?

Au revoir.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Feeling somewhat less lousy 

Today started out rather crappily, as I was extremely frustrated with french. You have no idea how ready to be done with that language I am. It's beautiful and it sounds great, but learning a new language sucks once your palate has already gotten hard and once you only have the desire to graduate from college and move on to bigger and better things.

Anyway, I fell asleep in bio lecture for about five minutes and when I woke up they were talking about twins not being raised together. I looked at the girl next to me all like, "Did you watch 'Sister, Sister' ?" and she gave me a look like..."uhh.. weren't you just asleep?" I was rather embarrassed, but whatever.
Bio makes me so sleepy it's not funny at all.

While I walked home I felt rather good, though, because it was snowing like it does in snow globes--all soft and in slow motion. I love it when snow falls like that; it's kind of like time stops and lets you walk through. It's cold here, though, which I don't like.

Valentine's Day soon approacheth, and, in the spirit of things, I've made myself some earrings and a bracelet:

I need to get a better camera or photoshop. You should paypal me some green to make that happen.

Later, kids. Tv calleth.

Monday, February 09, 2004


I failed all three of the tests I took last week. I got a 52 on orgo (mean 61) a 40 on bio (mean 75) and a 33.5 on French, no less (and I don't know what the mean was). What the hell?? I'm steeped in my own failure, whether I studied or not. I find it unbelievable that a person can have such a run of ill-fortune, though it's not fortune really... Is this indicative of my own stupidity? I mean why the heck am I here if I can't pass anything? What's the point of going through four years of this and wasting my money, getting deeper and deeper in debt and making my parents mad at me for ruining their chances for having little extras because they're spending on me? I'm so pissed.. to be honest, I'm a little angry at God for saying that this is where I should be when clearly things are not working out. Don't doctors need good grades? I mean, isn't this what med schools are looking at--final grades? Mine haven't been spectacular. My mom keeps saying I need to apply for scholarships, but what scholarship or benefactor or philanthropist is going to give money to a person with less than a 3.0 gpa? I certainly wouldn't.

I just don't believe this. Mike said last night that this is a ballbusting school and it is. I am just so pissed, mainly at myself. I need to take a break from everything that's adding to my stress or I'm going to lose it. So forget Valentine's day.. like I was going to do anything anyway.. and forget hanging out on weekends. I'm going to lock myself in here and study in between bouts of intense sobbing and making myself depressed about my stupidcrappyloser school situation. hey maybe I can get an eating disorder too while I'm at it. Don't bother commenting; I don't want to hear what you have to say.

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Good times, friends, good times. 

Today was really good for me and I felt happier than I have in a long time. Not only do I think I'm gaining a new, good quality friend, but I also chatted it up with an old one that I missed. Things are going well and I don't want to mess them up by thinking too highly of them before everything's settled, but I'm totally feeling the cheezy face emoticon right now.

Nicole I went shopping today for new bathing suits and I ended up also buying a shirt and pants for Valentine's Day. Not that I'm going anywhere special with my sweetheart *sniff*, but maybe I'll go out somewhere with Nicole and hang out. Amazingly enough, I'm always alone on Valentine's day. That's probably why I hate it so much... There's a dance here that they have annually but I still can't go because, once again, I have no date. It's all good, though, cuz eventually it will work out for the best. Josh promised to take me next year, and he better or I'll hurt him good.

Seeing Barbershop 2 with Nicole yesterday made me miss the sights, sounds, and smells of Chicago. Funny how when I go back there I never really feel like a part of it.. I miss my home so much, you know, but it's always like I'm a visitor whenever I'm back there. Ah well. I suppose I've finally left home.

Well, I've been out in the cold all day so my throat's acting up a bit. I'm going to lay down awhile.. smell ya later.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

I'm not dead.. 

It's been a while since I've written, but I've really just been too tired with all the tests I've had this week. They should be over for a while now, though, thankfully.

I'm still trying to get to that place where I can accept myself.. I think that's where the secret to happiness lies, you know? It's tough going, as usual, and reading magazines and watching tv doesn't help at all with it's mere 1 view of the sizes and shapes women need to be in order to be pretty and sexy. I doubt there's any change that'll come from that way.
But anywho, me and this girl I met a couple of weeks ago are going to start going swimming on Mondays at the IMSB from 5:30-6:30. I should probably invest in a new swimsuit if I intend to be seen in public with one on, you know? Hehe.. I also wonder what's going to become of my hair also with swimming every week... Doubtful it could look much worse than an afro like I'm wearing now.

Did I tell you I'm trying to dress up my appearance a bit more? It's going alright.. guys tend to look my way more but I'm shy about it because I don't like being looked at, you know.. lots of people on this campus do that, especially white people. No matter, though.

Umm.. Spring break's in like 2 weeks (they need to call it Winter break) so I'm going home to chill a bit and maybe get my hair done or something. Other than that there's nothing going on here.

More later, I suppose.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

Last night was wonderful, everyone. Josh came out and we spent the night together. I mean it was really good and reminded me how much I missed doing things like that. I wish we could get our own place together sometimes.

I've been trying to study for this bio exam tomorrow but I just don't have the heart. The material is the boring-est stuff I've ever read.. ugh. But I can't blow it off just because I don't feel like studying, you know? *sigh* Sucks to be me. Anyways, I'm going to get my other homework together so I can wake up refreshed tomorrow with nothing bad hanging over my head.

This superbowl stuff is such crap. I'm going to watch some cartoons for a while and then take a nap. Later.