Thursday, August 28, 2003

This blog comes from a place in my heart that's not so hopeless as the previous entry. Now that things have settled down, I can tell you that my parents have decided to drive me down to school. Mega yay, because my dad rented a van and I can take everything I want without sacrificing.
Today is the day before I move into West Quad, where all the sophomores go to live their second year. I feel all poseur-esque and stuff and for some reason, it's not a negative feeling. I'm going to love being surrounded by my stupid-ass peers again, feeling their vitality and energy and making my way in life. Going to school has always given me such an overwhelming sense of excitement and anticipation. This year, I finally get to declare my major: biology, and so begins the path toward my career in obstetrics and gynecology. I only pray that I can make it through the two science classes I've signed up for this semester and they dont make me lose what little is left of my sanity. So... My stuff is upstairs all packed in suitcases against my wall. Well, that means everything except my computer, which has been attached to me like an umbilical cord ever since I left school in April. Anyway, I'm going back to Michigan for round two, and I'm excited.
We'll probably be leaving at 5am tomorrow morning in order to get there at a decent hour and unpack so my parents can get back and get rest for my cousin's wedding on Saturday. They would have liked me to stay and see it, but as I figure it, they're already married. What's the point? The ceremony isn't really that important if the covenant has already been made, you know? So I'm going back to school tomorrow.
I hope you're well and doing great. I can't wait to arrive in Ann Arbor and reminisce, but this packing won't finish itself. I'll make a post tomorrow evening once I've settled in. Au revoir!

Thursday, August 21, 2003

It always seems to me that just as some things start to work the way they should, other things break down and fall to pieces. My life is that way now. About two nights ago my parents decided to confront me about the 170 minutes I spent talking to Josh via the cell phone they'd given me, and based on that they concluded that I intended to be with him upon my return to Michigan on the 29th. Through our conversation they found that I intended to do whatever I could to help myself become an independent person. They concluded that I wanted to be independent so they would no longer have any say over the rest of my life, so they decided not to help me get myself and my stuff back to Michigan. They took my cell phone, and I no longer have access to the phone or the internet while I'm at home. I am currently typing this at a station at the library on 87th and Kedzie.

Thank you, God, for the good (though controversial) friends with which I've been blessed.

Unbeknownst (sp) to my parents, my friend Mike has agreed to travel the four hours necessary to get here from Michigan and transport me and my stuff for school back up to West Quad for the fall. I have no idea how my parents will react to that, and whenever whatever happens, I'll certainly let you know. Be praying that this all doesn't blow up in my face because that's the last thing I need. I'm like *this* close to an emotional implosion. I don't have all the supplies I need, and I'm debating as to whether or not I should attempt to take the bus up to Ford City and purchase that stuff, or just wait until I get to Ann Arbor to make those purchases. I don't know. I have no idea how I'm going to survive the next few days. I know my parents think that I've disowned them, but this is only a temporary thing so that I can breathe, uninhibited, for at least a little while. They haven't limited me physically, but emotionall I am suffocated. I can't even explain it to you.

I've also been thinking of getting my tubes tied before I have any children. I don't want any right now. I don't intend to have sex but you know how far those resolutions go when you're in the heat of the moment and stuff... *sigh*

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My life makes about as much sense as the preceeding paragraph, but I'll keep you posted anyway--as much as I can.

Monday, August 18, 2003

Things have been a little haywire lately and I've just finally been able to catch my breath on it all. Hmmm.. Friday I went to work and stayed only about half of the time I should have been there since it was the last day. The other interns stuck me with all the work, as usual, and scampered off to get their checks from downtown at Central Office. Anyway, I got to go home early and relax a little before my aunt told me to take my grandfather's woman to the bowling alley, so I did that then got the kids something to eat on the way home. I love my little cousins. After that I came home and got stuff together so that we could go to my cousin's school and decorate her dorm room. We rode all night and slept in her room on the floor after watching Dirty Dancing on DVD. It was pretty nice :) The next morning, my aunt, mom, and my aunt's friend sent us out while they went to work on my cousin's room. It took all day to finish, and when Kefarin called me at 10:30 about our date on Sunday we were still working. It was soo difficult! Even though my cousin's room (she has a single and goes to Western IL U) looked great, we were dog tired. We ended up sleeping at a motel cuz all the hotels were booked, then we drove home. I didn't get back until about 3 and my date was at 5 so I was scrambling to find something suitable to wear. We ended up going mini-golfing at Crestwood (I'm surprised they dont know me by name there I'm there so much) then we drove back and wandered around the blocks and stuff just talking. We actually went back to his house and I met his mom for no good reason... we hung out there for a while in his living room, then we went out to the park to swing for about an hour or so.. that was cool yet again. Then we just sat down on a park bench and talked for hours and hours on end. After that, we got in his car and sat in front of his house and talked our heads off.. he played with my fingers while he talked and we laughed and I was half asleep the whole time yet I remember what was going on. I've never had a date like that in my entire life.. I ended up breaking curfew because I didnt get home until 3am. Yeah, we kissed once for about five seconds but it wasn't anything too serious to be rocking anyones world or breaking anyone else's heart so it was innocent, in my book. But I really had a fun time with him. If my parents would let me go out with him again after breaking curfew like we did, then I'd definitely go out with him again. He has some interesting philosophies, and even though we aren't on the same page on lots of things, we could still have fun. I guess I'm learning to accommodate people in ways I never knew I could before. Ah well, I guess I'll figure that out at a later time in life.
I hope this summer gets more interesting yet. And that will be a change for the better.

I have yet to get my utensils and supplies for next year, so this week and the next one will be devoted to that. I'll keep you posted.

Friday, August 15, 2003

Guess who's doin' photos now!!!!

I got a new webcam, as you can plainly see:

demure me

I like to fill the internet with summer pix of me.

summer photo

When I'm not out working, it's how I spend my days


I'm not like some people who get to work on plays. :(

But it's all good. I'm still hanging in there. Did I also tell you that I lost 9 pounds?? :) I'm so happy my skirt with the two splits fits better. Yaaay! If I keep this up I should be down to my college weight last year. That's not soo great, but it's a lot better.
Anyway, I didn't end up going out with Kefarin but we rescheduled for Sunday, which should be good. Last night I dropped by his house for a visit since he pretty much lives close by and I was on my way home from a shopping outing by myself. We basically enjoyed his awesome lawn and I cajoled him into going to the park. All in all, it was a fun evening. He called and cancelled so nicely with me this afternoon, and even though I was disappointed, I kinda figured that it was because we get paid tomorrow instead of tonight. Ah well, that just leaves more time for me to get myself together. Those webcam shots are really how I look during the summer.

So I was insanely sick last night with what I think was an extreme case of gas. No, I didn't have farts exploding out of me; as a matter of fact I wish I could have farted at that point. I was writhing all night and got about three hours of sleep and woke my parents up begging for them to let me go to the store and get myself some medicine. They were nice enough to go get it at an all-night Walgreens for me, thankfully. After I chewed those two tablets (Thanks to God and Maalox Gas maximum strength), I was able to fall into a fitful sleep. When I woke up this morning I was stumbling and nauseous to the extent that I couldn't go to work and spent today basically recouperating from last night's ordeal through napping and basically abstaining from seasoned foods. Not fun.
I think I'm alright now and tomorrow's my last day of work. I should be good because it's professional development day for my boss, so she won't be in the office except for early tomorrow morning. Yay! I get to spend some time just hanging out with the interns and assisting the AA's in the front with answering phones--a darn cushy job. That's soo great.
I better get to bed before I oversleep tomorrow. Later. Leave a comment 'bout my blog, or my photos. Tell me how much you care. :)

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Today ondulated from positive to negative to positive again and has ended on an altogether mediocre note. The night's still adolescent, though, so we'll see how it ends.
My cousins arrived at about 7 this morning and we spent some time talking and stuff.. it was pretty great. Then I went to work only to find that my boss was out somewhere at a meeting.. that was double great. I did get stuck shredding files for about four straight hours while the other interns decided to go on a collective lunch break. That sucked. I didn't get a chance to get anything for lunch either because I'm dieting and salads are my thing for lunch. That sucked even more. But then I got a chance to have a talk with Kefarin, which was good. I'm letting him come with me to Bennigans this Thursday, which is good too. Then, my mom decides to wait an hour after I get off to come back to pick me up, which was just awful. Then she and my boss decide to ride off to my aunt's house in Hazel Crest to look at her hardwood floors, which sucked even worse because I had to spend about an hour and a half of my personal time with her outside of work. OMG. But then we finally dropped her off, and that was great. On the way home, however, we had to stop at Shultz, one of my old haunts from high school, to pick up some fried chicken for my cousins. They live in Las Vegas and can't get those kind of eats where they live... I swear to you, somehow the smell worked its way into the vents and proceeded to shoot straight up into our noses the whole ride home. For someone who doesn't like fried chicken that much, I was certainly salivating.
Anyway, I resisted and ate my salad, which made me feel better. So here I am, after watching a great second episode of the OC and listening to Phantom Planet's "California" several times more.
Josh is using foresight now which is dibbly great. He arranged to have the 29th through the 1st off so we can spend some time being together. I'm so happy! He's doing so many things to prove to me that he's maturing and I'm really grateful. I want so badly for him to be the man he's supposed to be, and I can see him growing up before my eyes. You know me; since the beginning I was allways a sucker for the sensitive manly man. And Josh is just that. I like watching him change for the better right before my eyes. :)
I'd better get to bed soon so I can be rested for my last week of work--YEAH!

Sunday, August 10, 2003

The funny thing about last night was that I had a strange dream, once again. I dreamt that a pissed-off old woman had acquired a gun, somehow, and was taking out her rage on the general population. Somehow I ended up tangled in all her madness, and to make matters worse, she shot me in the left hand and then took me as one of her hostages. To stop the bleeding I got the bright idea of fitting a plastic bag around the wound, which ended up making me look like a Michael Jackson impersonator, without the rhinestones on my glove.
Anyway, she kept dragging me around to different stores so she could hold the clerks at gunpoint and have me take whatever she wanted and then go back to the car. Outside in the car that she always left running was the getaway driver, another hostage like myself. Only he was a guy and was slightly less frightened than myself. I guess that was because he spent most of the time waiting in the car. I dont' know why he didn't get out and run away... dumbass. This old lady was not your average support-hose-wearing, bridge-playing, cat lover. She would hold the store hostage for a couple of minutes while she had me rob the place, then she'd shoot a couple of people just for fun. If I moved too slow for her, she'd fire a warning shot straight into another unfortunate person's body.
Somehow, I managed to escape her clutches and make my way west of my own block. I don't know how I got around my house, but anyway.. I found this journalist on his way to work and cajoled him into letting me into his car. Despite my pleas to be driven to the nearest police station, the guy persisted in driving to his job at the local paper, which just happened to be the Chicago Tribune. He rushes me into his boss's office and I collapse into a chair, probably from the profuse bleeding of my bullet-riddled left hand. Oddly enough, the old lady's other hostage is in the office as well and we're trying to convince the reporter that we're not in league with the old lady, but that we're hostages. He confers with a victim from one of the sites the old lady and her shotgun had visited (the guy leaped into a river and escaped with only a gunshot wound to his ankle) and finds out that the old lady had taken hostages at the first site she robbed. I think she found us at a bistro beside the Chicago River. Guess I had a medias res dream.
Anyway, while they're discovering that we're hostages, there's a knock at the door and a woman peeks her head inside. The boss gives her room to enter, but whaddaya know, it's the old lady with her shotgun. She grabs me, as I'm the nearest human shield, and shoves that double barrel right smack in the middle of my back, once again. I'm about to pee my pants, of course, until the valiant reporter wrestles the gun out of the old lady's hands. She collapses onto the floor beneath his weight and feigns a heart attack. While we all struggle to see what's going on, she grabs me yet again and forces that familiar double barrel into my back. I hear the click of the trigger, but nothing happens. The reporter then leaps onto the old lady, crushing her.
And then I wake up, covered in sweat.

I have no idea why these sorts of things keep reoccuring in my dreams. Why do I have this insane fear of bad things happening to me along the lines of rape and murder? I think I should seek professional help. *sigh* Somethin's gotta give or I'll never be able to sleep comfortably ever again. If you have any interpretations please leave a comment. I'd sincerely appreciate it.

I had the most horrible dream last night... it's really so unspeakable I don't want to detail it here. But the real thing is it brought up some issues inside me that I thought were already addressed, and they're not. I have some trust issues, of course, and now they're even worse, I think. As they say, the pimple has been brought to a head. Well, I dont know anyone other than me who says that, but you get the idea.
What I really feel like is someone popped the cap off my head, reached a finger inside my brain and stirred it all up. Now, what was up is down and vice versa. I can't seem to get a handle on it, and it's ruined my concentration all day. I did a little exercise, even, for temporary relief, but even that didn't help me much. To be honest, I'm really afraid to go to sleep because maybe it will all happen again and that's not what I want. You must think this is all super crazy, and I don't blame you for believing that I am. I think so too.
The older I get, the more untrustworthy I prove to be to my parents. I don't blame them for not trusting me because I tend to keep everything clandestine and under wraps, for the most part. I often think, though, that it's the reason my family freaks out whenever I tell them any little bit about what's going on inside me. Or maybe it's just that they're not used to counseling people about stuff.. you know? It's weird, though, cuz other kids come to my parents with stuff and they handle it okay. I guess it's simply because the offender isn't their own child. When it comes to my brother and me, they have a tendency to freak out. Like when I told my mom about this dream, she jumped to conclusions about one part of it instead of trying to help me feel better about the dream as a whole. It was so disturbing and it's like she didnt even care, all she wanted to do was be right about warning me against what happened in the dream. I mean, it's never easy to open up to anybody, much less your mom, when she jumps down your throat about how this person was never any good, and how you make poor decisions and how she's pretty much always right. Maybe she is right about some of those things, but the point of talking about stuff isn't to prove how right you can be, but to help your child through a difficult situation.
That just proves to me how there is some stuff I can't and will never tell her. It's sad, but I really don't need to hear anymore about that stuff. Also, our relationship is close, but based on a delicate balance of her always being right about most things. I dont like rocking the boat and having her give me a super-long speech about how yet again she's come through right. I can't completely please her in everything I do, but I can at least make her think so.
It's really sad.
I wish there was a better way to handle my emotional hang-ups, but I guess there isn't. Keeping a journal is healthy, I've been told, so I keep one. Sometimes it helps me to reread what I've written years later and see how far I've come. Other times it's not so good because it reminds me of what's gone on in my life and whats hurt me really badly. Who needs to remember that? Nobody.
Anyway, I guess we've come to the end of the road here. Goodnight. I love you. *hug*

Sunday, August 03, 2003

If I could have two completely personal wishes to change myself, I'd do two things: 1. immediately drop 30lbs and 2. be smarter. Hmm.. being smarter and thinner would be great, but would those two things really make me happy? I dont know.

I don't know, blog. I don't think there's a real reason for me to keep writing day after day. It always feels like I don't have anything to say because I'm mostly writing this for the benefit of letting others have a peek into my life. The problem is that I don't feel my life is interesting enough even for me to read it over and over again. The same things happen and there's nothing new. I'm waiting to go back to school and hope things change for the better. To be honest, that's all you really need to know about me.

*sigh* I was happier earlier this evening because I bought some shoes, but I realize even that happiness is fleeting. When I sit and think about the way things are going I just feel down. I don't know why.

I just made a command decision. I can't keep writing this blog and reminding myself and the rest of you what's not going right in my life. This is a time I need to build up my strength and writing doesn't help me do that anymore. So, to help myself feel better and to just stop moping, I'm going to quit writing for however long it takes for me to get that joy back again. I hope you won't mind my hiatus. Seeya around, blogger.

Saturday, August 02, 2003

The comments function on my blog has been reinstated. Not that anyone leaves comments on my blog anyway. But you know what? I don't really blame you. There's nothing that interesting to see here, and I only really keep this blog to remind myself to stop and think at times throughout the day. Lately it's become so easy to do things out of obligation and end up spending the entire day begrudging every single thing I have to do. I find, however, that when I stop and figure out the reasons behind some of the menial tasks I'm forced to do, it helps not only pass the time, but also helps me feel better about the task at hand.

To be honest with you, blog, I've been kind of down lately about my weight and concerned about the way things will turn out once I get back on Michigan soil. That school is huge and so is my workload, and I'm just wondering how my life is going to juggle out this time. Will I end up more stressed than happy? Hmm... Ever since I've decided to be proactive things have worked out better for me. As I grow older I'm gaining confidence in myself, I think, and that's helping my persona. I'm learning to be nicer to people and only run them down in private hehe. Maybe that will help in my neverending quest for true friendship. *sigh* Doesn't reading that just make you feel awful for me? 18 years old and poor little Laura still doesn't have any friends. That's just sad.

Anyway, nothing of particular interest in my world. I bought some underwear today which included a navy blue sexy bra and jewel-toned panties. Yay me. I also found an outlet store where I got two twinsets for $40. A twinset is the little sleeveless sweater/cardigan combo that usually runs about $50 apiece. So I, Laura, got 2 for 80% of the price of one.

Suddenly this blog got so incredibly boring. The weird part is I'm somewhat ashamed to reveal certain parts of my life so I keep them bottled up and subject you to all the smalltalk that is my life. What kind of pure unadulteration is that? I feel like a fool.
Anyway, goodnight. Hopefully I'll get over all this and give you the real deal. I'm sorry.