All Hail Queen Laura 

Bow down and hail Queen Laura who was queen of bio lab today. You wanna know why? Because I did 25 points better on this last bio exam than on the first one. Ohhhhh baby I'm so stoked it's not funny. If I had some people to go out with, tonight would be a go out and celebrate night. It's so awesome!!
My mom says she prayed that God would help me do well on this test so I know that I'm supposed to be a doctor. Now if only I could figure out what my major will be, then we'd be in serious business. :)

I changed my hair back again:



just so you know.

You've heard of seasonal allergies, haven't you? Well, I seriously think that I might be one of those sufferers of seasonal depression. It never lasts long, which is why I consider it completely superficial, but it's still there, dragging my mood down into the melancholies. No fun.
I kind of think it's because I think my life sucks. I keep driving potentially nice people away because I've got this repellant thing on me--permanently, I think. Oh, and right around the middle of each semester I start to get very very poor and angry and self-loathing because I see all the little rich girls (contrary to my mostly peaceful ideology, I still hate them) breaking out their cute little sherbet-colored peacoats and fuzzy chunky turtleneck sweaters in sweet stripes. And I pull on my faded jeans and ratty shirts and just go with it, nappy hair and all.

Despite the fact that Autumn is the reigning champion for 'Most Rockin'-est Season' because of its unmistakeable beauty (I will be married sometime in Autumn, I've decided), it still brings the depressive effects of grey with it. *sigh* I know that sometime soon some huge pharmaceutical company will invent a pill which promises to tame the adverse effects of seasonal depression. Maybe Zoloft or Prozac will be re-engineered in a *New and Improved* form. Oh yeah.. be on the lookout for that.

Anyway, I'm not sure how my test went, but my GSI Paul (whom I really really like not just because he's kinda cute and extra-caring and nice, but cuz he's a great GSI in generall despite my meanness to him in person because I'm slightly attracted to his friendliness and I dont want to give myself any lenience in that area because I know me... if I give myself an inch I'll be tempted to take a mile) will be distributing our tests back to us at the end of tomorrow's lab. For some reason, all, I'm not inclined to look up my results. Butterflies have made a permanent residence in my stomach and the taco salad I had for dinner is precariously threatening to manifest its remains all over my keyboard.

I haven't been to the gym since earlier last week just because I haven't had much time, or more so because I haven't made time for it. Ironically enough, I save trips to the gym for when I'm feeling good enough about myself to allow Laura to be seen wearing spandex and calm enough to hear the not-so-gentle whoooooshhhhh of windbreaker material between my enormous thighs. Time is running out between now and my mom's Anniversary Celebration, i.e. my size 10 backless strapless ice blue dress, so I'd better get a move on, eh?

I have to apply for that job at the League. I need additional income. *sigh* Later, dudes.

Me Tired 

I got up at 8 this morning, which made me assume that my body clock is still on regular spring ahead mode. I studied some bio and had a liesurely breakfast omelete. Most of today I was studying and trying to relax for my bio test this evening, but I dont know how much it helped. My mom said she was praying for me, and that gives me hope, but we'll see.

Anyway.. I'm super tired and I just wanted you to know that I thought of you. Gnight.

So. Frickin. Bored. 

I want a television for my room so badly even though I know it will majorly detract from time I earnestly need to spend studying (French). But I hate the fact that learning a new language takes so much time and energy. They should have made language a requirement before I hit 12 and my hard palate solidified into the model best suited for the formation of English sounds. LSA is so annoying that way, though.
Anyway, today was mostly bothering Josh as he tried to sleep this morning followed by a few hours of hardcore studying with the aid of the cool CD that comes with my bio book (and I haven't used my bio book in like 6 weeks if you can believe that, lol). I'm so bored outta my mind but I can't figure out anyplace to go here on campus that doesnt require me to spend money I don't have. And I really don't have friends to hang out with on campus--a big fat bummer.
So... I sit here, making friendliness with my computer and secretly hating myself for not blogging you silly since Wednesday. I owe you guys. Here's what transpired:

Thursday was totally meh. I looked like a bum and my GSI got close to me which made me feel self-conscious about my smell (as usual. I think I stink most of the time). Friday was a little annoying in the morning because I'd scheduled a gyno appointment for 7:45am when my normal get-up time is 9:04. So I got there and stood outside the door thinking it was locked (cuz they had a giant "CLOSED" sign up) until my ignorant Chicago ghetto-ness got the best of me and I was like, look, yo, they shouldn'ta made my appointment so early if the place was still gon be closed and I pulled the door. Whaddaya know; it was unlocked the whole time. Anyway, I had an exam and it went fine. There was a trainee in there with me so she was really nice and trying hard to be professional. I hope I made her feel at ease. When the gynecologist came in (after like an HOUR of waiting for her to get there) she was really nice too. She like gave me some Vioxx which is calcium in candy form I think, then she shoved her hand inside me and felt my ovaries. Did you know that ovaries are normally the size and firmness of a grape? The gynecologist said that she typically found ovaries were more like the size of an M&M, but mine were even smaller than that. My mom got a little worried when I told her that news, but then I told her it probably was that way because I was ovulating from the other ovary at the time. It's prolly something like that.
All in all, that visit really makes me wanna be a gynecologist. It's not all smelly intruding work. I think it would be awesome to help educate women about their bodies. The body is a truly wonderful thing, you know? God did some awesome work.

But then I went to my counseling session later that day which ended up bringing some more crap to the surface. Discomfort abounded and lasted through the entire day. I think I hid it well for the most part except for a sort of breakdown.. ugh I will master those someday soon. Anyway...

I will find something cheap and fun to do. I'll probably go get some food later since it's been like 6 hours or so since I've had something to eat.. Not that that's a reason to eat, but you get what I mean, right? Ah screw you.

No. I love you. Don't be mad at me. I was just being stupid just now. Love me.

"I may be crazy, little frayed around the ends..." 

Sometimes I forget just how effective music is in soothing my grated nerves. I'd say I'm an auditory person, you know? As long as I hear things I'm usually okay because I can associate it with something. I dunno.

I went to the RA information meeting this evening and I have to say that it was good. I'm more stoked than ever before about this whole process, so be hoping and/or praying that I can get a position as an RA for the 2004-2005 school year. That'd totally be awesome. Not only would I get to work with awesome people on campus, but I'd also get the chance to save approximately $7000 in room/board costs. And we all know that, as much as I worry about money, that would totally rock.

I took a stupid online IQ test (first mistake) and got that my IQ is 116, which is supposedly 'above average intelligence', which makes me think, "Just how stupid, then, is the average person?" I don't really see myself as knowing anything special, or having information to which the rest of the modern world is not privy. It's weird, though. I guess it fits somewhat, as Josh got back that his IQ is somewhere around 150-something which is supposedly 'gifted'. That fries me so bad, too. I mean, wtf is he doing wasting his time rotting away in that apartment? I know that there can't be anything that stimulating in that apartment... I wish he'd get out and make something better of himself. I'm so angry that people like me have to try so hard and other people who get more just waste it.

Shut up, hypocrite Laura. You have more than a lot of people and you still squander it.
*feels guilty*

Anyway, I've been working out lately, which is good. My chest muscles and arm muscles are sore sore sore and like Bally's, I feel that burn. Umm.. the downside of all that is I've been eating a sh*tload of candy lately, negating all my positiveness achieved through exercise and slight dieting. I hate October. Everybody always wants to feed you candy. Honestly, though, it doesn't help that I have a leftover bag of fun-sized Twix bars stashed in my closet, hehe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was fifteen I so desperately wanted my own girl rock band. I begged my parents for an electric guitar for my birthday but they didn't oblige me. Then I went into a drumming phase... I've been musical for a while now but have never had the guts to follow my intuition and indulge it. Maybe I'll do that this summer or something. What do you think?

Not really sure how to feel. 

It's about 11:30 right now and I'm not sure how to feel. Haven't I told you that I've been procrastinating for a really long time over things that make me super uncomfortable? Well, the thing that's still a thorn in my side is tuition. This is gonna sound majorly stupid, but I have a scholarship that's supposed to be paid by some people in Chicago but they haven't done it yet, and I'm afraid to call them about it because I feel kinda weird. I'm scared to talk to people on the phone because I don't know what they'll say to me and I'm never good with talking to people because I get all weird. Everything should be done via writing, then the world would be perfect because even if you were mad you would have time to think it over because you'd be so keyed up you'd make a whole bunch of mistakes and have to correct them, thereby giving you time to figure out if you really want to tell your boss he has a penis the size of a brazil nut that he should go f*ck himself with.

*sigh* Nervousness sucks. And I can't register for winter term until all my debts are paid for Fall.

Should I just call them right now? Help me. Counsel me. Stop me from being a major dork.

I haven't been blogging as often because of all the papers I've been writing for class and such. It hasn't been a super-tough ordeal, but it's still been annoying enough to temporarily take the joys out of writing for me. If you can believe it, I actually wrote a couple pages in French.

*sigh* I don't know how deeply I've been thinking lately. I've mostly been down in the dumps because of all my shortcomings in school, and that's nobody's fault but my own. I have not been studying as I should have been so my grades are diving right into the toilet. Why won't I make myself study since this is college and grades are so important? It's rediculous.

I actually went to church today and met a couple people. It was nice enough, but they sang a whole lot which I didn't like. I wish people would cut songs down to about 10 minutes or so. That would be awesome, but that probably won't ever happen until I start my own church.

To be honest with you, I'm pretty tired and don't feel like writing much. Sorry this entry is so boring. Gonna go now. ttyl

*giggle* 

Yeah right.

So Life is Good... 

Not just because of these 9 reasons, but they are a pretty good indicator (to me, at least).

1.I can barely type because I'm eating vanilla soft serve with sprinkles that threatens to melt all over me.

2. The air is clear, cold, and crisp, and the air is full of the most beautiful cotton-ball clouds, But they're not big enough to inhibit the blue showing through.

3. I talked to a girl whose sneakers remind me of strawberry Charleston Chews.


4. Somewhere in the world, a guy named Dan and his girlfriend Shannon are planning their wedding. Their wedding favors will say, "From Dan and Shan".



5. A skinny white guy and an plump asian girl strolled down S. State holding hands, oblivious everything but each other.


6. Josh instant messages me cute love notes right after I leave his apartment so I can read them when I get home.


7. I am wearing comfortable pants.


8. I managed to effectively bs my way through another 2-hour discussion, with pleasant results.


9. You're reading this, meaning you're thinking of me. And what could be cooler than that? :)


Enjoy the rest of your Friday.

So Tired 

of hating this girl/woman Laura. I would say that I don't know who she is, but that's a lie. I know, and I've known for a long time. She jokes when she's nervous and even when she's insanely happy, and she's silent when she's sad. But she cries when she's angry. Why should I be ashamed of all that? Why do I feel that somehow makes me less interesting as a person when people can sense my insecurity from miles away like dogs and babies can sense a woman's menstruation. Self-loathing and incessant talking don't distract anyone from the fact that I'm grappling with loving myself. It's pretty damn obvious.
And I think that makes me less emotionally mature than my counterparts.
I live and love with a big hole inside me, searching for someone to fill me up. I realize now that I don't blame people for steering clear; who wants to be responsible for making someone else whole and being their complete happiness?
Laura may not be unique and she definitely doesn't have it all together, but she's definitely special and worth knowing, comments or not.


I'm uncomfortable with working with the nursery school kids at work. But it seems like I need special help with every single thing in my life right now so I'm not gonna quit. I can and will just work harder on building my confidence with these children so they see that I am not uncomfortable with working with them. I want to help them learn at all costs.

*yawn* What a long day.

"Fly away on my zephyr..." 

Every weekday between 11 and 1pm this girl on my hall plays the entire RHCP album at full volume. Not that I don't like RHCP, but I don't want to listen to it daily. I even know the lyrics now.. Geez.

Sorry I've neglected you for an entire day. You definitely deserve better than that.
So my dorm has changed over to those little keycard thingies for locks like hotels have. It's supposed to make things easier. Yeah right. I dunno about you, but when I get up in the middle of the night to pee, it means I have to go really bad. So now I have to climb down from my loft, grab my keycard thing, run down the hall, swipe, punch in my pw, then pull down my pants in time to pee. That is not my idea of convenience, ok? I mean, what were they thinking?!

In other news, I had a chat with my advisor yesterday followed by an interesting convo with my mommy earlier this morning concerning my major (yes I am aware that that was a misplaced modifier but I'm not in english class.. and that was an unpunctuated sentence just like this one hehe). Interestingly enough, both of them kinda were in conflict. Obviously my mom knows me better than the advisor I only met a year ago and to date have seen only 4 times before, but I was letting him earn his pittance, you know? I'm pretty much on target for my grade since I came here with 13 transfer credits (thank you Adam Jasmick for college bridge), meaning if I'd kept my physics class I would have had junior standing by the end of this semester :( Nevertheless, I'm still a sophomore on target. Anyway, he's been really pressing a softer science like psych for me. I've never taken a psych course, and I dunno but when lots of people keep telling me I should do one thing I kinda get resentful toward them. So I haven't taken psych yet. After talking with mom, though, I'm thinking I should stay with bio. We prayed and it seemed like God was saying he wants me to stick with it. So I guess he's gonna make it so that I have some semblance of success in it.. I hope it starts happenin' soon, cuz this place is not cheap.
I'm hungry and I dont want to go to women's studies this afternoon because it is so boring. So I will chill and let you know if I go hehe.. later

"Nobody said it was easy..." 

Class was fine; work was fine. Nothing out of the ordinary in either of those places. I guess the point where things got sour for me was when I began to think about where my work-study money is going: straight to tuition. I'm not sad about that, but thinking that the other kids can work and use their cash for spending on fun things makes me want to vomit. I'm so tired of feeling sorry for myself and the only way I know to hoist myself out of this sadness is to get another job. That, however, isn't a good idea with the classes I'm taking and the fact that the job I have takes about 10 hours a week anyway. Not huge, but you know.

I'm also peeved because Josh would rather spend 40 minutes with me so he can get home to his television for a show that lasts 2 hours. I don't feel like being understanding and I'm pretty angry, so at 7 I'm going to the store that's right by his house and not seeing him. I'd rather spend my night getting groceries which I do need btw and let him watch his precious tv. I'm so angry... I mean he gets time to himself all day and would rather spend less time with me so he can spend more time alone? I'm not getting it. I don't get men. :( *is hurt, sad, and angry*

Whatever.

Am I Not Comment-Worthy? 

What's going on? I wish people who read this and thought things would comment and let me know their thoughts. I'm feeling like I'm missing valuable help and ideas from people who neglect to comment when they read this. That's not the point of this blog; it's meant to be interactive. I'm keeping up my end of the bargain. What about you?

That being said, I can now progress to other stuff.
*giggles* I'm listening to Barry White's "My First, My Last, My Everything" and it's so cute. Honestly, Ally McBeal got me started with Barry from it's character John's total obsession with using him for confidence-boosting. You know, now that I've thought about it and listened to it, it really does have that effect. Try it.

I sent the Michigan Daily an email about becoming a potential staff member and I'm totally excited. I've always liked journalism, and since I arrived here I've wanted to write for the Daily but assumed I was never good enough. When I read these kids' stuff, though, it's not super great, and I think I could do just as well. I dunno how I'd manage it because I'm not great with deadlines, but I'm here to work on stuff like that, you know? I'm considering a career in communications too. I dunno how well biology will work out because I was doing my best in studying for that test and it turned out to have a pretty not-so-great effect. I was thinking that when you're lined up with what God's plan for your life, things start working out. Not that I'm ruling out bio right now, but I'm opening my mind for other things. I just don't want to choose a major and then realize much later on that this is nothing like what I want for my life. But you know, majoring in communications would allow me to go to Grad school, which would mean that me and Josh could be GSIs (Graduate Student Instructors) together at the same school or something, and we could theoretically get housing together. That would be cool.

We will see how this whole thing shapes up. I'm not being hasty in decisions.

But I am feeling rather excited by the prospect of journalistic opportunities to come. :) I'm all tingly, hehe.

I Gotta Tell Ya... 

I am worried, y'all. Turns out that I owe upwards of $5.6K for this semester's tuition payment and I have no idea how or where I can get that kind of cash before the end of the semester so I can register for the new one. As of right now there's a financial hold on my student account. Everytime I check out wolverineaccess I get this feeling of uncontrollable dread and stress stress stress. As proud as I am about paying my own tuition this year I really wish there was someone I could trust who I could ask for assistance.. besides my parents, that is. I don't want to ask them for anything this year.
I wish that everything was paid for. Then I wouldn't have to cry sometimes.

Anyway, I spent a small part of today with Josh and his mom, whom I like very very much. I just wish I could get to know her better so I'm not so afraid of her. You know how it is with making good impressions, though, and most of the time when she lectures him about the things he should be doing to stay on track during his semester off, I feel responsible for helping him accomplish these things. Here I go again, though, feeling responsible for a grown man's life. But my mom's always talking about how it is partly a partner's responsibility to keep her man on track. She said she helped change my dad... Why do I suck so badly? How come I can't do relationship things right? Oh, right. Cuz I can barely manage my own little existence.

I'm going home to study this evening. And maybe I will watch an episode or two of The Simpsons and pity myself and hate others because they pity me because they're lives aren't stressful. They suck. Those buttholes whose parents can easily afford to pay for every expense they incur. I hate them.

I'm so prejudiced against rich people. Bastards. But that's not the Christian way, is it? I know I know.. I'm a bad representative of Christ. All church people aren't like me. There are some really really good ones. But you know what? Everybody has his faults, and it just takes Christ working with and through us to help us be good people. We do have to let Him though. And at this point, I'm not letting him. :( Bad girl, Laura.

*sigh* Do not mix guilt with stress. Lethal combination. I need a drink.

Speechless... Or Maybe Not. 

Every so often my love does something that still surprises me... and I wish words could express just how wonderful he makes me feel. The little things he does-- and in this case, the big things-- remind me just how much I love him, and how deeply.



I was not expecting that. He said Tuesday night when we went to see The Rundown (which was a very cute movie starring The Rock and Stiffler from American Pie) that he had a surprise for me, so after work I went straight to his house without coming back to my dorm first. When I got there he wasn't there so I decided to wait for him by napping in his bed. He came in and pounced on me.. He'd shaved and gotten a haircut!! Now if you've seen Josh before you know that he hardly ever shaves and usually has a shock of a red beard most of the time. When he cuts it off he looks like 10 years younger, honestly. So I was reveling in rubbing my face against his now much smoother one and we spent quality time together.. It was really nice.. it didn't feel like anything was amazingly out of the ordinary but it was good to be together. He held me until I fell asleep, like I always ask him to.
When I woke up this morning I didn't want to leave.. so as I got my stuff together to go home I noticed a little white ribbon-tied package on my bag. You know I burst into smiles and kissed him kissed him before I even opened the little box... And there it was when I peeked inside.. the most beautiful thing ever.. I love you so much Josh.. and I was so happy when I saw you'd shaved hehe... That's all I needed.
I have a hard time receiving gifts like this because I'm pretty low maintenance monetarily (I think..) and I always worry about money, but knowing that my love thought enough of me to get something so huge and so beautiful (and we're both poor so I don't know how to feel about the money he spent) makes me so incredibly happy I'm actually crying right now. Nobody's ever loved me like Josh has loved me, and I know that nobody ever will.

Ok I'm gonna stop before I short out my keyboard. :) More later.

Chaque Lundi et Mercredi... 

I think about blogging on my way home from French class. Something about that class challenges every part of my intelligence. I'm all about creativity with language and expression, and usually in English I can easily find words for what I'm saying. However, in French, there are so many words I don't know, and the effort it takes to look something up sometimes forces me to "dumb down" what I would otherwise be able to clearly articulate. It's so frustrating! I so often want to give up, but I think that immersion in French in a French-speaking country would help me. Then, my frustration with bumbling would force me to master it.

I was also thinking... It saddens me that college is only truly readily (lots of -ly, I know) available for middle-class white kids. There are so many intelligent people who would benefit from college and think that it's closed to them because they don't have money or motivation to finish school. Nobody in their world has made it clear to them that college is the pathway to so many doors which can, then, be open to someone, pathways that are otherwise inaccessible. I'm not just saying this racially, but economically speaking as well. If only college were free, more people would definitely attend. Perhaps, though, it might mean less to get that diploma... no. It would take the same amount of effort. So why should mommy and daddy foot junior's bill for college so he can have an advantage over chaniqua who's been helping support her family since she could legally work (and even when she couldn't).
Truthfully speaking, I'm privileged as well. My parents are willing to send me money when I need it. But for the most part, I'm paying for my college education myself. That's how I've wanted it to be because I always worry about money, you know?

Sometimes I hate being so darned conspicuous on this campus. I suppose it all goes back to my insecurites, but nobody should have to feel that way at any time. Maybe I don't dress in all the latest trendy crap, but I spent $30k to come to college and get away from all that crap. While my opinions are being respected I want my presence to be respected as well. So if you're reading this, don't f-ing gawk at me while I'm walking down the street. Lots of people have curly hair. Mine is tightly curled; so what? My clothes aren't from AE outfitters and some little whores from A&F haven't bought my brand jeans. Tbqh, I think both those little whores could fit into one of my pairs of jeans. So leave me alone. You're rich and from Michigan, and you feel like the world is your oyster. Just because I don't look, sound, or act like you doesn't mean I'm less than you, and you don't have the right to treat me that way whether you've overtly said it with your mouth or covertly said it with your eyes.

Umm .

Sorry everybody.. I'll try to go back to my mellow old self very soon.

My friend Mike's coming out tomorrow night and I'm going to take him to dinner because I generally never do nice things for him. But then he's counteracting my good deed by taking me to lunch on Sunday lol. I love friendships where you compete to do nice things for one another. Those are the absolute best. Can't complain one bit. :)

Josh supposedly has a surprise for me this evening that I "will like" but he won't tell me what it is even though I HATE surprises hehe. So now I have to come over there to get it. I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is I wanna know what it is!

Bye bye hehe.