Life is so much better when you go out and do fun things to enjoy it. I've also said before that I like the relationships that unfold between men and women. It's just really cool the way we behave around one another, how we want so much and don't say it, or how we want to be perceived.. I can't really explain, and it's a part of my life I'd rather keep quiet at this point. Nothing bad, though, and those of you who know me well in real life know what I mean. Yesterday and today were fun.

More when my mind's not cotton candy. :)

I have not been able to stop thinking about you since the last time I saw you. Since then my mind's been literally filled with freudian slips as I try, time after time, to convince myself that I could make my days work without the sun of your smile. It doesn't work, and I'm the first to admit when I'm defeated. You conquered me so long ago that it doesn't even matter when or why. I feel like I've been dormant until these last few years of my existence, when you came along and spoke to me with words so simple, never requiring anything of me but myself. I've tried to describe this thing between us before with words but they fail me now. Like I said, I'm the first to admit when I've been defeated.

You know me, my family. You know that I've been trained never to give all of myself to a person; it just sets me up for heartbreak. I told you that before. But I find myself speeding toward you and the mile markers are rapidly disappearing behind me. All my shit is in the trunk of my car. I quit my job, broke my lease, changed my mailing address. I'm heading toward you. By ship, it'd be full speed ahead to your sunny shores. By plane, I'd have a one-way ticket to you.

I hope you've prepared a spare room for me in your heart, cuz I don't think I'm going back.

I don't want to be embarrassed about who I am or what I do, but sometimes it's hard not to. I mean, there are people who are suited to high profile positions, and then there are the others of us, whose backs are the bridges to those people's glory. And so, while it may not be glamorous work, it's rewarding, and it's noble. In the end I think I'll have more fortitude, more of an understanding of what it means to have to work hard for something--I always have had that understanding. It seems as though my entire life has been preparing me for a career in service, and this is yet another step toward that goal.

And while the position I want to eventually earn isn't glamorous--there's blood, and sweat, and God only knows what else--I'll be bringing lives into the world, sharing that beautiful experience called motherhood with the women I'll be assisting. That's service, and I'll need all the experience I can gain now to prepare me for that point in my life.

So go on, laugh, yell, scream at me, send your food back several times until it's just how you want it. Leave your gum under the table. It's okay; I can take it. All the honor will be waiting at the end of this road.

-------------------------

I really wasn't supposed to post that, but I can't help it. I did want something else, but I kind of wanted to go this route too. Everyone keeps telling me that it's a bad idea... Yeah, well let me make my own decisions and if anything goes wrong I'll consult you for assistance. Thanks. But it takes a special kind of person to serve. And I refuse to be ashamed of a good thing.

For more info on wtf I'm talking about, consult the previous post.

Well, after standing for like 4 straight hours or so in a line outside of American Girl Place, I got a job as a busser in the café. It should be alright; I'm just glad I got hired. Training is on the 1st and 2nd; I start on the third. Wonderful.

I also saw Britney, her b/f and her brother J. I had no idea that her bro was one year under us.. weird. Anyways, didn't get to talk to any of them for an extended length of time, but that's ok. I saw Jennifer Webster up there too on an unrelated shopping trip, and I didn't even recognize her until she came up and hugged me.. I was like, "who is this chick? oohhhhh, ok." She looks pretty much the same, as does every one else. Hopefully I look the same, or maybe even thinner, lol :) I'm so vain.

I realize it's been another long hiatus from the blogosphere, but at least I have something to write/chat to you guys about. I'd love to meet all of you, as I'm sure you're definitely cool peeps and I'm certainly in the mood to be social. I've been giving my number out everywhere, it seems, so I'm sure it's going to pick up soon.

Question: when you listen to music during your commute, do you sometimes sing or dance along with the music (as much as feasible while under the watchful eye of others) in public? I do.. I think of it as a way to give whoever was looking at me a reason to look. It's kind of fun.. sometimes I get "Isn't she weird?!" stares, hehe. Hopefully my music isn't too loud, cuz I hate when I can hear the words and background music from other people's headphones. I may as well be listening myself, you know? Anyways, that's pretty much it. Go me, in a dress size smaller than I used to be. As you can see I'm excited about the progress and will use any opportunity available to tell you about it. :) Stay groovy!

I don't sleep much at night anymore for reasons I don't really understand. It seems like nighttime has become my peak operation time, too. Dunno.

Yesterday went to church, then to a graduation banquet for my mom's co-worker's son. She has five sons, so as soon as I came in, she told me to put my purse down and then escorted me over to the head table where she introduced me to all five of them. I believe her exact words were, "I'm gonna do like the Jews and marry you off to one of them. You're gonna be a doctor? Okay, here they are (insert intro to each of the five here): take your pick." I laughed. They are all pretty handsome guys. The graduate had a twin who was incredibly well-spoken, and I liked him a lot because it seemed like there was a lot of substance to him. Needless to say I gave him my number.. it was more of a networking gesture than anything else.

I also saw one of my old crushes, and a good student of my mom's: George. She loved him like her own son, really. He promised to come by in the next couple of weeks, which made me happy. No, I don't still have a crush on him, but I do remember liking him as a person in general a long time ago. He's got a degree in communications and is planning to go to law school in the next year. The frat guys were all really successful, and it shocked me to see so many guys with so much potential all in one place yesterday. There were like 25 of them and only like 6 girls my age, so again, I was in heaven. Not to mention how many of them were quite nice looking hehe.

My dad's home on vacation this week so I'm finding an excuse not to be around.. he's not so bad yet, but we haven't spent any time together. I don't know what I'm gonna be doing the rest of today either, so lemme get my shiznit together so I can get outtie. I might be back later to give you more news; who knows. Later, hotties.

I like writing, and that it gives me the freedom to say whatever I want however I want. I like that I can make people to my preference. In my writing, men say things that people would never really say out loud. And in some small way that fills an ache that's been inside me since I was old enough to understand what it was or why it was there... My ache to have beautiful things, for poetry and paint and love and passion and--well, just beautiful things. I need them so much, especially now that I can understand how much sorrow and ugliness there is around us now. *sigh* I just wish that life could be a little more like the things I create in my head.

I like that people watch other people sleep.. that is a very precious activity, in my opinion. And I like when someone will bring home a pizza just the way his love likes it even though he doesn't particularly care for olives on pizza. I love that somewhere in the world, two people are lying down for their first night of lovemaking. I also love that tonight the man is getting up to check on the baby to give his sweet tired love a few more minutes of extra sleep. Those little things about life make me feel so warm and make me glad to be a part of this whole journey. It's happening somewhere, right this instant. Someone's realizing love for the first time! It's amazing how some things are universal. And for some reason I feel like crying a little. :)


I woke up and realized that I lost 3 more lbs. So in total I've lost 14. I forgot about the preliminary loss I made before I came home. Good for me. :) My pants are so loose and I feel sexy.

There have been some terrible storms about lately. Hopefully all of you are safe and dry. Pray that we stay that way here in the midwest as well. I love you all.

And Josh, I know you look positively divine in your suit tonight. Oh, what I would give to be there with you now! I love you too.

Hard as I've tried to fight it, I've become a lazy updater, people. And I apologize for that. Since I'm not working it's even harder to get up in time enough to get my wide load down to the computer to put together some words for you.

But meh, there's not much around here to feel inspired about, lately.

I've mostly just been missing Josh, trying to orchestrate my trip back up there for his friend's wedding so I can see her and so I can spend some time with him for a little while. Everything I try to run by my mom so she'll be okay with it she shoots down though, so I'm gonna try harder until it either goes through or she tells me a final "no". It isn't looking good, but I'm trying to keep a slightly positive outlook, at least.

It's also become clear to me that weight loss has slowed to a screeching halt. I've only lost 6lbs in 3 whole weeks even though I've been dieting with exercise. It's maddening when my mom and aunt get on the scale and they look thinner, too. I'm actually pissed, really. I want to get back into my old stuff because I never really got a good wear out of any of it. And I need to go out--with people, alone, whatever. I'm just stewing in a cesspool of self-pity right now and that's unhealthy. Last night I even dreamt that Aretha Franklin called me to work at one of the retail stores she was spokessinger for. I was so geeked to actually be employed that I forgot she was Aretha Franklin, didnt ask for an autograph or anything. And now you understand that I've been stuck in here a little bit too long.

Anyhow, I'm still waiting for the call from the job to see if I've even got one. I'll let you know what transpires.

A gripe and an observation:

First the gripe:

Last week NEIU, the school I from which wanted to take summer classes, sent me my registration information in the mail so I could use their touchtone system to sign up for that physics I class I wanted. The info stated that on May 18 from 9am to 10pm the system would be available for me to sign up, etc. After searching to find the schedule of classes, I found it and called in. Guess what--no surprise--the class is completely closed. And what's worse is there was only one section of it. NEIU has no waitlist system where you can audit a class until someone drops, then jump in. The lab class is only available to those concurrently taking the physics class. So.. I guess my fear of driving on the freeways has been averted, due to there not being any need for me to do so at all (well, yeah, if I intend to take my car back with me in the fall I gotta do it anyway but at least the lessons will be postponed). DAMMIT! I'm now on the 5-year college track--me, who swore by the 2006 graduation date. I don't see any way possible that I can pick up all the classes necessary for my English major (since I'm starting from scratch with only the 1 required class for all LSA students) and finish up all the pre med concentration requirements. Let's see, I have biochem, orgo II (I got a B in orgo I, go me go me), orgo II's lab, and these two physics classes accompanied by their labs. Why oh why did I get myself involved in all these visions of nobility and grandeur when I picked a field?

The observation:

As I stayed up last night watching The Mexican again, I felt myself falling softly for Brad Pitt. Last week's moviegoing experience with Troy had softened me, and The Mexican was just the last straw. Thankfully I didn't go downstairs and watch Meet Joe Black, or I would be a mere puddle on the floor of my bedroom.

Anyway, that got me to thinking. The ease with which a person can "fall for" someone boggles my mind. I mean, it's so easy to fall for an idea, what we think a person might be like, when in reality they are quite different. It's even easier to put blinders on and refuse to acknowledge what someone is really like when we're "falling" or "in love". I thought to myself, these are characters that someone designed in his head, like I can do. This is not Brad Pitt. Someone planned it out for him to be so charming, to appear such a considerate lover, to be so understanding, to use terms of endearment. He was receiving payment.

Once I woke up from my little trance I realized that what I was "feeling" for Brad was merely a physiological response from being physically attracted to him. God designed that male and female should mate and procreate to further the species. To ensure that male and female would procreate, he designed that we should become attracted to one another, hence the faint lust I felt in you-know-where whenever Brad came on screen. But, so that we could be happy with the mates we chose, so we could have fulfillment, God designed a beautiful thing called love to bind us together. How often do we pervert, mistake something baser for it? My slight attraction to Brad wasn't worthy of "falling".

Only what I feel for Josh is real.. It's different. I don't always see him and start salivating (only sometimes hehe). It's more of a comforting peace that we feel together. Yes, there's passion, and there's also something else: like I wish he were an ocean so I could dive into him and discover all the wonderful things about him... But I could never reach the end of the vastness. I want to protect him and make sure that he's at peace, and bring him happiness if I can.

Anyway, I want to train myself to always recognize the differences between the l-words when I'm feeling them, so I never mistake anything less worthy for that one pearl I've saved for my love. I hope you can try for the same.

I wanted to write something lovely for you, paint you a sunset with my words. I wanted to write a sonnet on how beautiful you are to me. I could pen line after line of verse, but it could never do you justice. How could the essence of loving you be contained in mere words, ephemeral, fleeting? Once spoken, they are gone, their significance lost to the annals of quondam. Nothing lasts forever but my love for you, which never fades nor dies. It is that to which you may cling when we are miles apart yet linked by two intricate connections: one of cables and wires and signals, the other of our hearts and your telekinetic mind. :)

I love you.

Been doing a lot of shopping lately, folks, with excellent results: I can now purchase clothes one size smaller than I normally wear, which is great! :) Yesterday while on another of my spending sprees I happened upon a little black dress that was on the clearance rack for $10! I tried it on and it's a wee bit tight, but if my current loss trends continue it should be perfect. I ddn't even have to buy shoes cuz I had some black and red ones, just like the dress.. and a red evening bag to boot! I'm very happy about that, I must say. Bargains always bring out the cheery in me.

If I ever get a best friend, s/he and I will have a whole bunch to talk about. I have some stories that would make Courtney Love blush, hehe. And you wouldn't know it to look at me, either. That's what I like about myself. Don't I look so innocent? Not that I'm like super dirty, but you remember that little slut stint I was on awhiles back ;)

Sorry I haven't been deep-thinking or poetic in a bit, guys. I'm sure it'll be back as soon as everything evens out for me. It's still in the air, but it's slowing down. I'll catch up.

Hope you're having an excellent day, kids. Be good to yourselves and each other.

Two milestones within a few days: the anniversary of this blog on the 13th, and the anniversary of my birth on yesterday, the 15th :)

I'm 19 now, young and sexy. And a little bloated on account of the monthly business, but that's beside the point. People were quite nice to me on my birthday (my family, I mean) and gave me lots of stuff that reminded me that I'm loved.. everyone else was a jerk.

So.. I'm sorry I missed you guys yesterday; it woulda been nice to come on and leave something here so you could tell me happy birthday hehe. But anyway, here's the real deal:

My dad didn't want to go anywhere with us for my birthday, and he's pretty much been being an asshole to me now for some strange reason. I don't know why. But whatever. It seems like he and my aunt have been in pissy moods lately and I just want to bitch slap the both of them and tell them to get the fasheezy over whatever it is that's making them upset so they don't take it out on me. I want to chill, and that is all. Really I should just go spend some time in my room with my new purchases and feel good about my continuing weight loss.

What did you do this weekend? Have fun? I did on Saturday evening. You should come ask me to go somewhere with you cuz now I'm just bored. Thanks.

Last night was most definitely tough on me. I think all the stresses of everything had just built up and I couldn't sleep.. I watched Pearl Harbor, which wasn't a good choice. I told you all my brother's in the Army and even though there were Navy guys getting shot up, they were still just young men, trying to make their lives better, protect the freedoms that we so often take for granted. Even though it was staged, watching that movie made me feel so damn small in this world. So many times I get caught up in the events that revolve around me, and that's such a selfish world view. There are things going on that are bigger than us, but that begin with us. If one person attempts to change them alone, nothing can happen. But if each one of us decides to live a life without discriminating against others and fostering that same bad habit in our children, the world of the future can be a better place. I'm not preaching hypersensitivity. I think that we should all speak candidly, as a matter of fact. Immersion is a valuable tool to educate people about other people and cultures, so we can realize our similarities.

Although that's been preached in the streets for years upon years, I'm still glad that the idea is still around. It works, people. I learned so much this year from merely living day by day with my roommate Grace. We were very similar people, and yet our different experiences, mainly our different backgrounds, gave us insights into each other's worlds. I enjoyed that so much.

Enough preaching, though. Today's the day for Troy, featuring Orlando Bloom and, my favorite, Brad Pitt. I'm definitely going to have to smuggle a change of underwear and some tissues into the film *starts drooling*. Can you tell that I'm looking forward to it? :) Later all.

I found something substantial to write about after all:

After reading a former close friend's blog it really saddens me to realize that this person has moved on to bigger things than me. Of course I'm proud that this person has stuff to move on to, and that this person's circle of associates and friends has expanded to include other, very different people, but I sort of feel left behind completely. Occasionally we'll talk, but it's too strained for it to feel the way it used to. While things can't remain the way they were, I still wish we could get back a little of what we had together.

I can't help but wonder if it's my fault that we've grown apart. Although I've done what I could to keep us communicating and visiting each other when possible, it seems like fate's against us remaining friends. And I suppose the initial separation that came between us was my fault, and this person did say that awhile ago. I suppose I refused to believe it at that point. You all know me; I'm totally free with words.

*sigh* It's just that month after month, season after season I always proclaim that this time things will be different for me. I try to reinvent myself with each phase of the moon, but there's only so many things you can change before you lose yourself completely. That's just something I refuse to do. I can only be who I am, like it or not. Perhaps a nicer, more mellow version of me, but me, nonetheless. I will always be loud and crazy, deep-thinking, hot-tempered and quick to speak (notice I didn't insert quick-witted into that description). And above all, I do try to be loyal, although it's geting more difficult these days. Anyways, I am who I am, and I wish people understood that and still liked me for it. And above all, I wish that I wouldn't sell myself short so often.

Gosh, it seems like I've lost so many friends this year! If I were to count, it'd be about 3. These were people I told my deepest secrets to, you know? They knew the good, the bad, and the completely dirty about me, and vice versa..maybe. How do people grow apart so fast, and why does it leave me feeling like a stray dog who's been kicked to the curb? Damn, why do most of the people that I let into my real life end up walking away? I just dunno.

Well, whatever. Just means more birthday cake left for me.

Good morning, all. I'll get right into it.

This morning, at about 5:10am I feel the urge to go tinkle. The potty is down the hall, adjacent to my parents' master bedroom. It's 5am and I know they never get up early if they can help it, so I decide to stay naked (as that's the way I sleep when it's hot anyway) and just go pee and come right back. They normally leave the door closed because I believe they sleep naked also (and who wouldn't when it's hot as heck, even at 5am). And besides, the door's always closed when nobody's in there. So I just bam the door open with a half-closed fist, and , "HEY!" yells my dad. I scream more as a reflex from being scared to see someone there when I'm butt-ass naked, then I compose myself and head back to my room feeling rather embarrassed. It wasn't so bad, and I'm sure there have been worse barge-ins. I was more scared that someone was there than anything else. Even so, I slept with a t-shirt on the rest of the night as a precaution for getting up naked again.

So.. there's a little embarrassing moment to bring back my humanity for ya. And now you can't say I'm unapproachable. :)



what kitchen utensil are YOU?

Thanks Fleecey. Apparently a metal object is my worst enemy.. sounds true to me.

Housewifery is totally not for me. Not even sure if I already posted on this, but seriously people. I cannot just sit in a house all day, making sure things are clean. Cuz then I get bored and TV sucks and I start eating whatever's not nailed down... There are so many better things that can be done outside the house, and I learned that I really have a "don't fence me in" kind of mentality.

Good news is I'm in my little tiny khaki short-shorts that I've owned since 99. Before you get your panties in a knot about fashion, remember that it's not about what style they are. I'm still in the house anyway. It's the fact that I've owned them for the past 5 years and can wiggle my ghetto booty into them still. If that don't get your juices flowin' I dunno what would (remember that song that goes ...if this don't make yo' booty move yo' booty must be dead...").

Something weird about me is that I like to argue sometimes. I like to fight. When in one I find myself saying the most hurtful things that under any other circumstances I'd never say, even behind someone's back. Once I get to that angry boiling point, though, it's all over, and most of whatever I'm thinking is going to come out. It's taken some real restraint to keep some of those hurtful things from flowing out when I fight with Josh, and sometimes I don't make it. Like today I kind of snapped, and then felt a little stupid for it later. Still working hard to be the best me I can be (like Oprah says). Sometimes I'm such a giant idiot bad person, and before you grill me about beating myself up, remember that you don't know me very well at all, so shut your pie-hole. I mean that in the most endearing way possible, really.

In other news, my birthday is Saturday and my mom wants to know what I want. It's weird, but the older I get, the more I realize that my wishes can't be fulfilled by anything material, the way they used to be. When I was 7 or 8 it was like, give me 3 or 4 Barbies and I'm totally satisfied with the haul of the day. My grandma would send a card with cash, a dollar for every year of my age, and I'd call her to say thanks. Friends would come over and eat our cake without bringing me jack, but that would be fine cuz I'd bask in the Birthday Girl glow. I don't even want a party anymore, and presents are like, pffft--not that important. I'd like a magic genie or something to give me wishes like happiness, confidence, bravery, a wicked social life that didn't take too much away from Laura time... stuff like that. And you can't buy that shiznit or I'd be first in line at the store where they sold it.

Right now I don't feel like thinking about anyone else's feelings, if I ever cared before (and in all fairness to me, I'm sure I have at one time or another). Maybe I should take off all my clothes, slip into a bubble bath, do a little masquing and give myself a mani and pedi tonight. It could be done; it's only 9:12pm. Ok, time for some spa treatment. Leave love if you still care about me after the horrible stuff I've said.

I could be her angel now
You know it's not my place to hold her down
But it's hard for me to take a stand
When I would take her any way I can

I liked John Mayer's first album better than this new one, and I wish I could write things like that myself. It makes me think of lightly wrinkled jeans casually thrown on in the morning before I grab my things and go. Not quite sure why that is, either.

I've been in the house all week just working, it seems. The kitchen just won't stay clean and no one seems to give a shit but me. I'm tired, too, and this is only my second week of being home. I desperately need to get out of the house. In happier news, my abs are getting tighter, and I dunno if I already told you that or not. Either way, though, it's still good news.

Josh saw his friend again yesterday evening and his away message hasn't changed since he left for her house, so again I'm worried about him. We'll see what the explanation is when he returns home, if he returns home, which I hope he does.

Hugo just published a new book of poems, and I intend to buy it when I get my fist clamped around some dead prez. Until then, I want you all to go visit his page, investigate his work and purchase a copy for your own personal libraries. He makes the brothers green and the ladies scream. What better plugger could I give the guy? :) Go now. I ain't got nothing else to say.

I sincerely hate Blogger's new look, but then again I have a love/hate relationship with changes. Anyone who really knows me could see that from a mile away. All's quiet on this front. Mother's Day was uneventful, even though I could think of a few gripes on account of my cousins.. Honestly, though, I'd rather not bother right now. That was yesterday, and today begins the countdown to this blog's birthday on the 13th. I can't believe I've kept this medium for almost an entire year! Many visitors have come and gone, but I think I've fallen in with the perfect round group where we read each other's stuff and comment on an almost daily basis. It's nice. Makes me feel like I have an online following of my work cuz I'm just that raw, even though we all know I'm really not that raw--at least not yet. ;)

What have I been up to? Mostly reacquainting myself with the city that I love and investigating it for what feels like the first time all over again. So many things have changed and so many haven't. The food is still the same, only I've changed my attitude toward it and learned that moderation is key. The people are still the same, down to the babies that smile as you make faces at them on the bus. The cost of living has increased, though. But it doesn't even matter that much to me. I have always loved Chicago, and I realize that no matter what, I always will. There's no other place I'd rather live.

We're still making preparations for my parents' 25th anniversary this August, so soon we'll get the fabric for making the dresses and begin to make the bouquets that we'll carry. It won't be super-elaborate, but it'll definitely pave the way for a lot more fun, you know? I'm excited already and it's only May. Mom and I went shopping for a few dresses on Saturday, and found four of them, the most expensive of which cost $29. They're a bit tight now, but I can see myself slimming down. It is gonna be the shiznit.

I miss laying my head in your lap while you pet me, Josh. I love you.

Sometimes I turn off my brain and give my feelings free reign. Then I watch. What a song and dance I see between men and women. We never say what we mean, and we never mean what we say. We let our bodies speak for us, the unspoken universally understood language. Arms, legs, the position of chest, a flash of eyes, a peep of a dimple. I watch the people as they circle each other, dance circles around the city. They lie down one way and get up another. They call it love with one, roll over for something else with the other. And they convince themselves that it is all the way life is supposed to be. I watch the people as they walk in the city. I smell their mingled scent, earthy, like the eldest perfume. I hear their murmurs, words empty, useless.

I have not lost faith in mankind, but could you imagine for a moment what God must think of us as we walk about in his creation as though we had made ourselves?

I got my grades back from school and they are utterly disgusting. I wanted to barf when I saw them. I'd even started beating myself up, per usual, before people smacked me in the head with the idea that these grades are not a complete indication of who I am or my capabilities. I am in a world where other pressures matter, and while other people can shut out life completely to focus totally on exactly two things: balancing school and eating/breathing/sleeping, there are more facets of the human experience that come into play when I go to school. It is definitely hard to feel like I can still make it even though there are people around me who continue to say, "Maybe you should be a writer! It comes so naturally to you." or, "I remember tutoring you in general chemistry and I'm not sure that that's the best choice for you." Everyone I ask about med school says it's one tough cookie. A black female ob/gyn at my church asks me how I'm hanging on, and she didn't get out of school until she was 30. Another male doctor from my church had horrible grades in college and he's still made it. He's very rich now, but that's beside the point... I'm just saying that this is not something impossible and I wish people would keep their "It's gonna be difficult, honey"s to themselves. NEWS FLASH I know that it's going to be difficult; it's as such already. It will get harder, yes. You said that two years ago when I met you. Okay. Yep. Hard. Alright. Don't tell me about your daughter's boyfriend's baby momma mechanic's wife's neice. I don't need to hear their story. I am attempting to make it myself. I am only learning these things because they are prerequisites to what I want to do for my life. It's tough, it's the equivalent of diciphering the password to an exclusive underground club.

/rant

So I'm dressed in some cute clothes and feeling quite sexy. My shirt is rib knit and fits like a glove, although I'm not exactly sure if that's the way it's supposed to go, but whateva. I still look hott. And if you poured water on me I would sizzle. Then I'd kick your ass for f*ing up my hair. I don't have much to say right now so I will go brush my teeth. Bye.

Workin hard for the money, baby..watching the inches just fall off.. well that's wishful thinking, but I guess I ought to try thinking to make it so. My mom ordered me some Proactiv for my face and zits. Not that I have a lot of zits, but we're just trying to make things perfect for August. Hopefully all this self-improvement will carry into the entire year.

Hmm.. Yesterday Britney called and offered me something very nice of her, and I wasnt shocked, merely touched by her generosity. Thanks very much, but I'm gonna try and mooch some cash from my daddykins and make my mom a watch out of real coral and sterling silver. She liked the first one so much until she broke it, but.. well we can fix that. I'm feeling fine since I just worked out.. it always gives you energy. Geez guys, I don't have much to say. Getting my hair done in about an hour so I might want to consider bathing as not to offend my beautician. :)

Got an idea! I'm gonna stop by the mall and get my face made up to get some color ideas/choices for this whole blue thing. And I'm going to start calling beauty shops to see their weave works, cuz there's no way I'm gonna do my hair on this trip. Besides, that stuff is expensive, so I'm going to definitely need to start saving for the human hair at least. Beauty is expensive, you all. Anyway, there'll prolly be more later. Tootles.

Seems as though all day I've been waiting for something that doesn't appear to be coming soon. Ah well. I have to learn to be more patient than I am.

Well, I tried on clothes that I used to wear a while ago to see how bad the damage to my body had gotten. I could zip everything, but it's all distended, which was discouraging. I even ate a piece of candy because I was dying for something sweet today. On the other hand, I did the 4 mile walk again, which was good. It's just so frustrating to look at where I've let myself get to, you know? I've only been out of high school for 2 years, and already I'm much larger than I was then. Truth be told I was unhappy with myself physically then as well. Yes, weight gain over the years is quite normal, but this, in my opinion, is a bit extreme. I just want to go back to the weight I was when I graduated, at least. That's large enough for someone my size.

I don't get why my battle with food is so intense. Why do I enjoy it so much, and why do I feel like life is less complete when I'm trying not to eat the things I really want? Television's no help, either. All you see is commercials with deep-fried this and heavily-sauced that. Then they show the size-four white girls with cute haircuts, pert breasts and trendy clothes and I just want to hide myself in the closet until summer's over and I can go back to sweatshirts.

I wish I was with Josh so he could hold me and touch my hair to let me know that I'm still beautiful, then make love to me and let me know that I'm still very desirable... and I want to smell his Josh smell. Like I asked, he left me a nice note that made me feel really special. It's so funny how it seems like I come up with these poetic things to warm his heart so much, but when he leaves something sweet it totally floors me, touches me in a way that nothing else can and I have to read it over and over and over until I've memorized the words. And he never knows that he's touched me that way, which is what makes me love him more.

So.. I'll be sleeping in again tomorrow, which is nice. This break is good, but a sistah needs some greenbacks. I'm gonna sign off here and go pee, though. Later kids.

Things are different in Chicago, living on the south side. Those of you who are from here will know what I mean when I say the men are trained to try hard no matter what. My mom uses a fishing analogy: they cast out a whole lot of nets and then if anything bites back they'll reel it in and consider themselves lucky. I personally don't understand how anyone finds a decent partner that way, but to each his own.

How is this relevant, you ask? Well, let's just say that I got more checkouts at the grocery store than the clerks working the registers. It was nice to finally at least be thought somewhat attractive. Then again it could have been those guys just casting out their lines, but I prefer to look at it from a positive angle. I like the copper highlights in my hair; they make me feel pretty and unique. I like my "ghetto booty". It helps me feel like I compensate for my not-so-big boobs. But then, I'm pretty satisfied with my boobs. As I checked out catalogs of clothes that I want to take on the trip this August, I didn't feel so ugly, or like a tighter body would be unattainable. Whenever I'm tempted to just let go and give up on myself I try and remind me that this is my chance to prove to myself most of all that I can decide something and then stick to it. Just knowing that I have the willpower to at least have foresight gives me some encouragement.

What unnerves me is that Mother's Day is in a week and I don't have any money around to buy my mom something. I mean, I'm totally flat broke... counting dimes and nickels broke. Oh well. I'll try and scrounge up something to make her another watch, and if necessary I'll borrow something from my dad. Hopefully it won't come to that, though.

I tried to talk to Josh this evening but he wasnt in the mood to respond to my messages, which hurt. Maybe he was just busy. Oh well; I'll get over it. Stay cool y'all.

I'm home again, where (they say) I belong. And while I know that it's comforting to come home for a much-needed rest every so often, I can't ever live here again. I don't live here anymore; what I am-- my purpose-- is so much bigger than anything two blocks west of Ashland. For the next eight years I am a human tumbleweed, blowing back and forth across the plains of the midwest, with the wind of purpose driving me to and fro. Don't let the look of it all fool you; there definitely is a cyclic pattern in my movements. That's how you know it's not unplanned. I move with the seasons, literally, but all for a purpose.

It took my dad and the guys about 5 hours to drive up from here last night, and they arrived sometime around 2am EST. We packed everything in about an hour and then set out for 94. Not being a real driver, I kind of got us lost looking for it (don't say that--I know it's just down State street... whatever :P ) but we finally made it and began the long drive home. I'd just had a Mountain Dew so you know that I was a nonstop chatterbox, as usual. Dad and I got to talk about politics, my reason for choosing an English major, and some various other interesting topics. I asked him what profession he'd choose if he could choose any one he wanted, and his answer clued me in on a lot more about him. It was very, very nice to be able to talk on the adult level with my dad; we don't do that much.

Though it was difficult to stay awake, we made the drive home in approximately 3 hours and a little more. Weather was a bit scary, but I'm home in one piece. It was about 6:15 once we'd dropped the guys off at their respective houses and made it home. I got to see the sun come out for the first time in a long long time. I would have seen the sun rise, but we were heading west with our backs to it. Ah well. Dad woke me up after about 5 hours, but I still got up and walked four miles for some vigorous exercise. I also joined the bandwagon of the diet my mom's on. It isn't so bad, but this is still only the first day. We'll see how well I can stick being in the house and jobless for the next week or so.

I hope you're all well, and though my sign-ons will be less frequent, I'll still try to visit and comment on your blogs whenever possible. I love you guys. Stay awhile and let yourself daydream about padding barefoot down the warm sand to the cool water and feeling the tide wash the sand from between your toes. Can't you feel it already?