Saturday, January 31, 2004

It feels like, ooooh...
You don't know my name...

I didn't really like Alicia Keys that much, but she's like a perfect woman. She's pretty with African-american style that I like. I admire her too, cuz she can play the piano and stuff too.

But that's not what I'm talking about now. I can't believe I haven't written since Tuesday. That's not like me. Not like anything's happened over the past coupla days but I usually write you. Umm.. I bought Grace a cake for her birthday on Thursday and she liked it. Some girls came over and we surprised her.. omg you shoulda seen the look on her face hehe. But it was nice to be able to do nice stuff for other people for once.

Also, my tuition is really low this time, comfortingly. I'm excited about that too. Yay. Thank God that He's working things out where I don't need to worry.

Tomorrow Josh might be coming out to spend the night out here but I don't know if i'm going to stay with him or not. I dunno.. hopefully that will work itself out tomorrow without my worries.

My mom's birthday is tomorrow so I have to make sure and call her before she goes out to do fun things or whatever hehe.. I love her.

Anyways, I'm mostly watching tv tonight so I'll ttyl.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Hey--ya... hey-ya 

I never really waxed nostalgic about childhood until I got to college and realized that that limbo time between childhood and adulthood is now over and I've shifted into the realm of the taxpayer responsible for her own life. At this point, all I can say is I'm shaking in my boots about what life will bring in the years to come, but all I can do is walk cautiously forward. So many uncertainties about my past choices make it difficult to be like some people who can fully embrace whatever life brings! For example: is general bio the right major for me? will Josh and I have something that's strong enough to last throughout our lifetimes? what will I tell my parents?

But since there's no way I'm finding all those answers tonight, I won't trouble my pretty little head over them.

The snow was insane today--insane. It was like someone was throwing snowballs at me when I left for class this morning around 7:50. Since the air was still cold, little pellets of ice were frozen inside the fat snowclumps that blew in almost horizontally, right into my eyebrows and hair. When I got to class there was enough snow lodged in my ponytail to make a sizeable snowball which I hurled at the floor in protest of having to be at class at all this morning. Anyways... Class wasn't cancelled, but it wasn't bad. It's just so c-c-c-cold everywhere! I sincerely don't like Michigan the state. The school is fine, but the state blows (except for all the pretty trees during summer and fall.. I love those).

I keep finding people who make their own jewelry and I find that totally fascinating. I met this one girl from my French and bio classes who'd made her own bracelet, necklace and earrings and they were simply adorable. I get the feeling she uses higher quality materials than myself... That's alright. I'll get to that point eventually--perhaps I can make myself some summer jewelry for the cruise. And that reminds me that I swore I'd be losing weight by this point in the year, only I can't muster the willpower to make the necessary changes. Eating disorders aren't healthy everyone says, but I can't help secretly admiring some of the results those chicks get when they do it (in moderation, of course). Don't get me wrong; I'm in no way supporting that. I just wish there was an easy and quick way to lose weight without feeling so darn deprived all the time. Oh well.

I've been experimenting with my natural curly hair these days and finding that there's more to it than just slicking it back in a ponytail. Maybe one day I'll have the balls to wear it down in a chin-length curl fro or something. Dunno. I think I need professional styling assistance for that, though.

I haven't much else to say tonight. Gonna hit the hay in about 2.5 hours so I can be fresh and rested tomorrow.

Monday, January 26, 2004

Crushes and Metrosexuals, oh my 

Sometimes I think I shouldn't get married. I mean, I really enjoy looking at guys and sometimes I make comments that I really won't follow through on (not vulgar though). Nobody should be subjected to that kind of thing in a relationship with me because I'm jealous and don't like when men talk about women around me, you know? It's hypocritical and I'm really trying to stop it.
It's just that I have a teensy crush on my French professor. He's cute, average height, medium build with dark hair. When we met him that first day he might have said he was Arabian or something? And I can tell he's dorky--either that or he's just really excited about teaching at 8am every morning. He has a daughter, but I don't believe he's married because he doesn't wear a ring... Dunno, really.
Then there's this other cute Arabian guy in my class.. He's tall, dark and of course handsome. Sepi would freak out, I think... Anyways, I think he's a metrosexual anyway, and I'm definitely aesthetically pretty low-maintenance, so.. not his type. I do enjoy looking at him, though, and I'm sure he'll make some pretty girl very happy. I mean, he's cute and he speaks French.. what more can you ask for?

Anyways, I doubt anything exciting will happen today, so whatever. Pray that I get this bio class because as of right now I'm still waitlisted. More later.

Sunday, January 25, 2004

And I thought racism was over.. ha. 

I wonder if people know that some of the things they do, even subconsciously, can hurt other people. It's probably something we never even think about really; we just do things as they suit our purposes and fit in with society's stereotypical constructs.

I went to a little store called the Village Apothecary on campus because I was in desperate need of some anti-frizz stuff for my hair. I wouldn't normally go to the V-A (not to be confused with the VA hospital) except for I really didn't feel like getting on the 4 to go all the way to Arborland to pick up some stuff for my hair. When I get to the store everything's fine, normal. I go straight to the hair products aisle, which happens to be divided from the front of the store by a wall of products. The two cashiers are by the register, hanging out or whatever. So I'm over there for a good 5 or 6 minutes, trying to make a decision. Some of the products are low down so I have to duck out of sight, I assume, to get a closer view of what they are. After about 2 or 3 minutes, one of the cashiers comes right over where I am, straightens a box, then goes right back up to the front. About another 3 minutes later she comes by yet again to glance at me, and straighten that same box. The damn box was straight before she came to look at it in the first place. It's just a real shame that people still follow you around stores and "check on you" just because of the color of your skin. I thought those days were over, but I guess they're not.

Anyway, I'm going to try to shop there as infrequently as possible. It's a shame that they sort of have the monopoly on the type of convenience stores that I need. I can't wait until I get a car; I'd gladly drive all the way to Meijer where they're used to having Blacks shop their aisles.

I didn't do anything of importance yesterday, which is why I neglected to write. Today I got up for the 8:00am service at church, and it was good. That girl Nicole who visited me was there, and that was cool. I must say I like her very much. Hmm.. I went to my Bio 305 study group because we've got a test next week, but I skipped orgo cuz I was watching this Lifetime movie with Tori Spelling. She has a nice shape but her face is so ugly. I'm glad the days of penciling in lipliner over the top of your lips to make them look bigger are over for white people. That was one thing that desperately needed to die.

Anyways, I'm going to chill here some more tonight. Chilling's good. You should try it yourself sometime.

Saturday, January 24, 2004

At your best, you are loved... 

I downloaded Aaliyah's At Your Best today (it came out when I was still in plaid jumpers), hence the title.

Today was pretty much relaxation, thankfully. I only had one class since my Chem lab is postponed until next fall, so after orgo lecture I just came back here to chill. It was awesome because I had lots of time alone just to watch tv or do whatever. At about 2:00 I decided to get the stuff for my mom's birthday present. It was a long, cold walk to Michael's craft store and I was unimpressed with their selection until I decided on something that came out of a kit. With a few modifications, I'm hoping that it will be fit to give my mom for her birthday. It's a watch, by the way. Anywho, being around all those beads (even though they weren't the ones I was looking for for my mom) made me want to buy something for myself, and I ended up spending about $17 extra on stuff for myself. It was so addictive, though! I'm a little bead freak.
Once I got home, I made my mom's watch and that wasn't enough. I then made a pair of earrings and a bracelet. It's amazing how little time these things take to whip up while you're watching tv. I just wish I could make prettier things that people were more persuaded to wear. I think it's my sense of symmetry that gets to be too much when I'm doing projects. I'm not the kind of person who can just throw it all together and it comes out looking great--just labored.

Anyway, after that, that girl Nicole I invited over for lunch on Thursday came over and I made her and Grace dinner. It was fun; she ended up staying two hours and just talking and watching tv with us. Grace says I'm the best roommate she's ever had, and I'd have to say likewise. She's a good person, and I'm a person who wants to be good, so I think it works out. So.. I just had a day of good feelings, which is nice every once in a while.

I'm going to lighten up one of these days and quit being so high-strung about life. Starting now--tv time.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Sometimes things happen to you in such a whirlwind that you can hardly believe they occurred. That's how it was when Josh visited earlier this evening. He came by after stopping at Angell Hall for an advising appointment (he's doing independent study classes) and his mom stopped by my room to wait for him. She's cool; I let her in and we talked a little before he called me to let him upstairs. After she left, he and I had about a minute and a half of alone time in my room before Grace came home from classes.. Boo. So Josh and I climbed into my bed and held each other a little. It was so nice, and I found myself trying so hard to memorize the feeling of running my hands through his hair, stroking his cheek and kissing his nose.. It was all so sweet and innocent--until the urge to spoon got strong enough for us to seek out someplace more private *wink*. So, under the guise of getting some food, he and I found a little privacy in one of West Quad's many lounges. Call me trashy if you like, but sometimes you just need a little time, and I'm not the kind of person who will throw my roommate out. After all, it is her room too.

Anyway, something about Josh and I being together this afternoon left me with a feeling of sadness that I couldn't understand, although I think it might have something to do with the fact that he couldn't stay long and we didn't have much time to really be open with each other. I look forward to his visits so much and to have the sweetness ripped away from me so soon just made the whole thing a little more bitter than sweet. Oh well... it's nobody's fault.

Anyhow, I did get something productive done today: I studied for a few hours at the SLC, which is great considering my study habits. But then I came home and watched some serious boob tube and made two pairs of earrings. In that light, I suppose the studying is negated by the leisure activites that followed it. Ah well. I am only a little worried because I have a bio test (on the most difficult material) coming up on 2/2. I need to work on it when I study.

My mom told me the cruise ship we planned to book for the Anniversary got waterlogged in a storm and is now in dry dock, so they're taking all the passengers and booking them on another, smaller ship on a first-pay, first-serve basis. Weird. So maybe our dates will be changed after all. I suppose it doesn't really matter now that I didn't get the RA position. Oh well.

Later kids.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Disappointments really blow 

I didn't get the RA position, but I sent an email asking them to keep my file open as part of the late pool. Maybe it's wishful thinking to hope someone has a conflict with their RA schedule or wants to be placed somewhere else, but I'm still going to hope that. Fighting every instinct in my body, I'm not going to wonder what it is about me that they didn't find acceptable. Before I even opened the letter I read the Daily Bread and asked God that His will be done, whatever it might be, and that's a good decision. This must not have been in His plan. I'm working on trusting Him more.
So... I might just cry a teensy-bit to keep from getting a headache, but then I'm going to shake it off and go to orgo and learn something interesting.

The money for room and board next year will come from somewhere, somehow. Disappointments really really blow, but they're part of life.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Just keeping you posted. 

The time spent with my mom and aunt was time well spent, I must say. I really enjoyed seeing/being babied by them, and just talking and hanging out. To be honest, it would have been better had it just been my mom, but it was still good. We bought a lot of stuff, ate fatty foods and just generally had a good time.

When I got back, we set up my television and I watched it in awe for a while. It's been rather tough going an entire semester without the benefits of tv, but I must say that Grace and I have handled it well. Now that we have one, however, we're practically inseperable from it. I've left more than one conversation hanging while I watched even a stupid commercial. And, what's more, this is the first time in my life that I've had real live cable all to myself. Soo mannnyyy channnellllsss.... oh yeah baby *drools*

The bad part was that while I was spending time with my mom, Josh was wanting to see me. I don't know if I'd change things if I could go back in time, though. I rarely get to spend time with someone as awesome as my mom, so that was nice. I miss Josh still, of course, but we will have another opportunity to see each other. Hopefully that package will come in the mail soon and he can visit me this week. He might have mentioned visiting campus for an advising appointment at Angell Hall for his independent study courses.

In other news, I've been wanting to ask Mike to make more frequent trips out here just to hang out. He offered a while ago and my pride forbade me to take the offer. Now, though, I think I'd not only benefit from his knowledge of chem, but it'd be cool to spend time with another person. Grace and I are getting closer--I'd say more into the realm of friends and such. It's weird because we're such different people, but not really. I dunno. I do enjoy talking with her as things become easier between us. She's nice. Shame she's moving out of the dorms next year, but ah well.. big time seniors tend to do that.

Well, that's about it. I haven't looked for a job yet and I'm not sure that I will at this point when there's so much studying to be done. I'll miss the extra income, but c'est la vie. Later.

Saturday, January 17, 2004

Fighting an unhappy overcast 

The only people who know the whole, complete story of me are me and Jesus. If you think beyond the relative applications that statement makes to everyone's life you can probably understand that it's something that could be problematic for a person who tells herself that there's one person on this planet who can understand her better than most.
Side note: I made so many mistakes in that paragraph and this side note that it's unbelievable. I think I'm beginning to type too fast for my own good.

Anyways, the terrible road conditions have held my mom in Chicago until the salt trucks can get out and actually do their jobs. Plus, the fog has settled in between here and Chicago, and I'm hoping that they can make it out tomorrow so we can have some amount of time to spend together. She's also bringing my tv and some other stuff I left at home over break.

I don't know, blog, but it somehow feels like I settle into these points in my life where lots of things start to go wrong at once. Again, my financial aid has problems, meaning I've lost my work-study tutoring job. Also, yesterday I was trying to enroll in the lab that accompanies my organic chem class when I was told that it was full and no more waitlisters were being accepted. That means I have to put it off until next year, when I'll be taking orgo 2 with lab, meaning I'll have 2 labs and a class which equates to only 6 credits. As if the troubles with school weren't enough, I dropped my flatiron this afternoon, breaking it into two unusable halves. Now my hair's bigger than J-Lo's, only not as straight.

Lately I've been steeping myself in Christian music in order to counteract the sadness that threatens to dominate my thoughts lately. Reminding myself of God's past graciousness sort of helps me through the times where things seem like they suck more than usual. I mean, it could be much much worse, and I'm thankful that it isn't...

I probably will take a nap soon to get some rest. Later.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Whenever you think my self hatred is annoying, remember... 

I'm building on self-acceptance on a school-year basis. Think how far I've come from Freshman year.

Je suis tres fatiguĂ©e  

These past two weeks have really been tiring, and I've been out and about Ann Arbor doing work/school-related stuff more than I care to talk about. Consequently, I have these huge dark circles under my eyes which seem to magnify themselves when I'm blushing furiously from the bitter cold that's swept the northeast. For my interview this afternoon I tried to cover them up with concealer/cover stick, but the color's not quite my skin tone so it didn't work. One of these days a major cosmetic company will create a makeup that actually resembles at least one black person's skintone, somewhere in the world.

Funny how lately I've been so talky yet have nothing to say by the time it comes to blog. You have no idea how much of a motormouth I've been ever since my return to UM after Christmas break. *sigh* And then when I'm here with Grace there are hours of silence and I feel guilty because perhaps I should be saying something... I won't worry about it much.

Bad news: I don't know if I'll be able to go on Mom and Dad's anniversary cruise because the RAs must move in on the 15th of August and I think the wedding's on the 14th and they leave on the 15th or something.. That's a big downer. The lady said that it's absolutely set in stone that all RAs have to be present for training followed by resident move-in.. so big :(

Ah well. I'm sure everything will work out as it's supposed to, or at least I hope so.

You'd think that it would all be downhill from here, today being Thursday, but I have a chem lecture from 10-11 and a chem lab from 1-5 tomorrow, so I'm still sorta braced for impact. Anyways, I'll chat with you later when I have more things of substance to say.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

why are good habits harder to take up than bad ones? 

Although I didn't plan on it, today's been mostly about studying, with a few hours interspersed in between for sleep and a little relaxation. I have to say that the French presentation was much less structured than I thought, which was good. Rachid said that we did well for it being so early in the term, and I enjoyed working with other people who have a similar sense of humor as me (warped, hehe).

After French I had breakfast and then went back out for an hour and a half bio lecture followed by a 2-hour discussion (which only lasted 1 hour, thankfully). Then, since I was completely tired, I went and had lunch and then took a long, well-deserved nap for about nearly three hours. After that Grace and I chatted a bit about tattoos, medical school, high school, and babies, and it was generally pretty pleasant. Then I remembered that I had a reading for Women's Studies homework.. it was about 200 or more pages in a book on reserve at the library. So I went and did that for a few hours and then got dinner and came back here. Now I'm just chillin before reading up on the chem stuff for tomorrow's lecture.

More and more of my classes are requiring more and more of my study attention these days, and I've been kinda tired of doing things lately. I guess it's because I've been getting up really early to go to French, which I'm not used to. This is the earliest I've ever started classes since my time here at the University of Michigan, and the most credits I've ever taken. Normally people take this many per term, but I guess I'm not the norm, huh?
So, in a way, part of me is glad that Josh isn't here for this semester or I'd otherwise be a lot less academically productive because we'd obviously be spending more time together. And now, whatever extra energy I have left after trying to expel it on my computer is now put toward studying instead of toward other activities that don't help me keep up.

Well.. I better get a move on that chem studying.. later.

Catharsis is good when you can get it, but when you can't, a small cry will do.

Monday, January 12, 2004

Yay monday.. *rolls eyes* 

I've finally gotten it together enough to make a post again, and I can assure you the tone will be in keeping with normal. Nothing special happened today.. I had a decent time in French, where normally, fear of the unknown and appearing stupid keeps me in dis-ease the entire 50 minutes. Chem wasn't so bad either, but my big mouth put me in position where I have to solve one of the problems Nolta puts on the board at the beginning of each lecture.. I'm a little afraid of that because I dont wanna look stupid in front of about 300 people.
Then, after Women's Studies (why do I always capitalize that class as if it's so important?) which seemed to go on endlessly, I went to Ginsberg to wait for my fellow tutors to show up so we could go to work. They arrived and we chewed the fat a bit about our breaks.. then we realized we had an additional new tutor with us.. Having Tiffany there sort of throws off the whole scheme of things and makes us all slightly less comfortable. I don't get the feeling she's too thrilled with us either. Then again, we've just grown comfortable with each other and it always feels like violation when someone infringes on that. Oh well. I still think six in the van is too many.

I had to fight temptation to renege on my NYR again this afternoon. Thankfully, I didn't end up doing anything I regretted, so it's still all good and I've kept my word. Whew.

I always feel so drained around the same time every month for obvious reasons. Hopefully we'll reach a point in society where it's alright for a woman to discuss her menstruation and it's considered a daily occurrence, not impropriety. So, to start and help change the world just a little bit, I'm going to discuss mine freely: I hate feeling so drained this time every month. I hate the hassle of tampons and pads because you never know if you've had a tampon on too long until it's too late.. Or you could change it after a certain amount of time but then you might not be utilizing it to its full potential.. I tend to lean toward the latter. And pads feel like diapers. With all the medical advancements, can't they invent a pill that stops menstruation entirely and market it on tv like they do all the other ads to make us self-medicate? Geez.

Well, I have a French presentation tomorrow so I'm gonna chill a bit. Ttyl.

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Not completely happy, but quite content... *sigh* :) 

Since I figured Josh wasn't coming out today (he hadn't really done all he was supposed to and so was in no position to receive the reward of coming out to visit me), I went out this morning to buy the rest of my books, and I found them all. Upon returning and checking my messages, I found that Josh had left one.

Needless to say an hour and 15 minutes later I was back in his arms like we'd never been apart. It was wonderful, as usual, and as we lay there in love's afterglow I watched him as he lay snuggled against my shoulder and wondered how he always looks so perfect to me... The way his face flushed warmly and the contented smile that peeped at the corners of his mouth made me want to kiss him, and I did--several times, which inspired him and led to more friskiness.

I honestly hate those people who are all about talking about lovemaking in its intricacies and basically going places where nobody wants to be.. eeew. But I find that as life goes on, we all end up contradicting ourselves and doing things we never thought we'd do. But I'll stop at that part about Josh and just let you know that I was really happy to finally spend more than ten minutes alone with him. It was heavenly.

He wants us to start our own private blog for each other and has promised to write in it about as faithfully as I would. I laughed at him, as he's definitely a man of few words (maybe more than a few--like 4--since he's met me). So I might set that up tonight for him so we can have a sweet activity together :) . awww...

After I came back here to the dorms I started working on Women's Studies which put me in the mood for sleep.. booorrrrinnng. Strangely enough, though I had a dream about making Kool-aid Joseph's house, only it wasn't his house... I think he was just there along with the lady who played "The Oracle" in the the Matrix Revolutions and a little girl from somewhere. I just remember that the old lady told him not to drink it because it wouldn't be sweet, but he did it anyway and said that I made good Kool-aid. It was completely innocent and I have no idea what that dream meant so I'll look it up on a dream interpretation website.
The annoying part is that my whole dealings with him are something that I would like to be able to put completely behind me for Britney's comfort, as I have promised her that I wouldn't have contact with him. And I will continue to keep that promise because I'm a woman of my word.. but it does make me sad.

Josh A. and I have been talking a long time about the two of them and ourselves, and our relationships to each other. Being closet analysts (me more so than him, I think), we've analyzed the difficulties among us up the wazoo and still haven't come to any kind of answer. Both of us think that reconciliation is necessary, but how to go about it? Je sais pas. Why isn't that part of my life just over and done with in the easy way I left the other stuff of high school behind? M?me chose.

Anyways, I haven't finished my homework this weekend and I ought to if I intend to be more productive than last semester, so time to hit those books one more time. I'll catch you all later.

Love ya.

Friday, January 09, 2004

To all the @$$butts out there... 

Sometimes it makes me really sick how people can come here to my personal weblog and make judgments about me. I mean, screw you, you who don't have the balls to keep a journal of your own for more than a hot second because it gets to be too much for you. I don't see you putting your whole life out here for the world to see. How dare you come and make criticisms of me from the "safety" of sitting there behind your computer?

That's totally worthless.

I am not going to feel bad about sharing my feelings just because a few people out there want to bully me into thinking that I'm not as good a person due to some issues that I have. I at least have the courage to be honest about stuff.

Right now, if my boredom increased any more I might have to cut myself to feel something. I've been here in my room most of the evening, sitting here watching DVDs and episodes of The Simpsons because I don't have any people here to hang out with and it's too cold to go wandering the streets alone. I haven't seen Josh in about 3 weeks and I can almost feel bugs crawling on my skin, hehe. We got a chance to talk awhile today, but it's still not the same. If he were still living here I might go over to his place and spend the night, but there's no sense speculating about what's impossible right now.

To tell the truth, right now I'm just frustrated, tired of doing the same old thing. I hate it here most of the time when I'm in class because I'm tired, and when I'm not in class I'm bored. There's no way to win! Guess right now I'm just in an awful mood. Maybe I'll write more when I'm feeling better. Later.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

School's always been a huge part of my life... 

Most times I don't feel like I blog nearly as often as I should, but that's apparently not true. The last entry was, in fact, yesterday morning, I see. So cool, we're keeping up with our regular schedule of things and such.

If I haven't told you before, I'm taking probably the heaviest load I've ever taken since I came to U of M. Part of me is really really frightened that I don't have the tools necessary to make this semester a success, but I realize that that is exactly the point. No longer will it be sufficient to rely on Laura's strength to pass classes. When it comes to hardcore science stuff, that's no longer my territory--it's God's. I mean, He told me to pursue the whole biology/obstetrics and gynecology career track, so He has to bring me through this relatively well in order for me to get into medical school and stuff.

God did create chemistry. He, in His infinite wisdom, formed chemical bonds and created the basics for all of life in such an ingenious manner that it boggles my mind. The more I study life and its elements, the more I am in awe of Him. Geez. He created all that and still cares what happens in my little life?

Therefore, in keeping with my New Year's Resolutions, I'm going to try to be less scared and more confident from this point on. Fear only serves to hold one back; it's a shame how no matter what we "know" in our head we still rely on old things that have been proven false. And again, in keeping with NYRs I'm going to stop trying to pep-talk myself into believing this and just believe it.

I do think that I'm starting this semester better off because I already started working on coursepack problems in bio (which appears more difficult than I expected, but it is a 300-level class...) and I took a look at the orgo coursepack. At this point, those concepts seem completely foreign to me because it's been ages since Chem 130, it seems (and I didn't do that well in that anyway, haha). I'm taking advantage of many of the resources available to me, including prayer. We'll see what happens, and I have confidence that this undertaking will be much more prosperous than my previous chemistry class.

In non-education-related news, Mike came by last night with his new girlfriend Diana and we went out for dinner (or dessert, for me). She's rather like Josh in that she's not a talker or anything. Most of the time people like that come across to me as condescending even when that's not their intent. I'm sure she didn't mean that, as she has no reason to disrespect me at this point.. Anyway, whenever Mike and I are together it's usually a pleasant time, so last night wasn't really a deviation from the norm. I have a tendency to talk a whole whole lot and I ended up pretty much monopolizing the conversation. Whatever.

Josh and I haven't been really talking much because his cable connection really blows. Even though he's keeping up with his payments, I assume, Comcast only lets him online for about 2 or 3 hours/night, and those aren't even peak hours. Since I have an 8am class I'm tending to go to bed earlier, so most of the time I don't get to talk to him that long. I've mostly been going to bed at or before 1, so.. we might get about 15 minutes to chat with one another, and that kind of makes him feel even more far away.
I'd appreciate being able to see him, but we haven't had alone time above about 10 minutes in about 6 weeks. He's supposed to come out either tomorrow or Saturday, but I'm not really counting on it. Although I am looking forward to seeing him, I honestly hate being disappointed. Makes me depressed. So I'm going to remain chill and keep up with my studies so I don't fall behind, which could easily happen given the magnitude of all this stuff.

It's 18 minutes to 10, and I don't have much to do. Maybe look up some chem websites or something in preparation for the chem lecture and lab tomorrow.. can you believe I have lab from 1 until 5? ugh. And that chem book costs $222!!! I was so pissed at the bookstore I was about to explode, seriously. So I'm purchasing it from Grace for $100 because it's the previous edition. She doesn't mind, and I'm grateful.

Time to go.. rockin out to the winamp playlist now, folks. Night night, love you.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Make-up Blog 

I dont know how I got sick again as soon as I returned to school, but I can tell ya, man, it sucks. I'm all gross and stuff. But anyways, mom told me yesterday that eating apples can help me lose weight and stuff, so I'll be consuming that for both its nutritional power and its fat-blocking power, yay.

First day of classes was alright yesterday. I learned stuff in Bio and it seems like it's going to be a challenge. I haven't been to chem at all, but I will be there this morning so we'll see. I pretty much have 3 classes on Tuesdays which will have me outta school by 2.. sweetness. The thing is, though, now I'm taking another Women's Studies class dealing with health. I know I said I'd never take it again but there wasn't anything else that fit with my schedule so oh well. I'll take it and be quiet about it and that's that. I'm taking 16 credits this semester, my biggest load yet. Hopefully I can make it all work: Bio 305, Chem 210 & 211, French 232, and Women's Studies.

I get to sell my old bio book for $80 to this girl if we can get our time schedules together. We must have changed plans twice already, and we're scheduled to meet at 10:15 but I have a class then.. I've emailed her about it and I pray she checks her emails before it's time to meet and sees that I can't be there.. I don't want to stand the poor girl up or anything, you know? Oh well.

Breakfast starts in 6 minutes so I'm going to do my hair. Perhaps I'll be back for more blogging later this evening.. Ciao.

Sunday, January 04, 2004

Meandering through my consciousness... 

At the end of the day I try to come on here and do a little blogging in the hopes that what has occured during the course of most of my waking hours will have inspired me towards an epiphany for the next day. Though that doesn't necessarily happen often, it does happen.

After reading my blog from yesterday (after clicking "post & publish"), I realized that there were a few things that I neglected to mention. At the time of posting I was a little tired of blogging and that didn't bother me. Now, however, it's kinda bad because I don't know what it is I left out. Isn't that what this entry should be for, to pick up those pieces? Ah well.

Allow me, for a moment, to be painstakingly honest for a moment, if I haven't been so before: I've sort of been avoiding Josh for some reason. Actually, I don't even really know what that reason is, only that it's something pertaining to me wanting to have a bit of separate time so that I can see what's really going on inside me. You know that every time I'm home and I get convicted about having a clandestine relationship, I end up running straight to my parents and telling them what's going on. Ever since I made that promise to myself to not make stupid mistakes, I've been sorta rethinking my game plan about everything, you know? It's time to revamp the whole way to go about dealing with things, people, even myself. I don't want this new year to be as emotionally distressing as the previous one, and I think it's about past time I grew up.

What shocks me personally is that I haven't really been interested in anyone else for a long time. During this distance from Josh I haven't so much as considered the thought of another person in my life, and that's shocking since I usually think about it quite a bit. Not to say that I'm looking for distractions or that what I have with Josh wasn't good enough for me-- it is. It's just that I am seriously a romantic, and part of me hadn't really stopped thinking about whether or not Josh was going to end up the white knight on horseback (seriously, no pun intended). I mean, this relationship is about growth, obviously, so I know that when we become full-fledged adults (strange that I don't consider either of us adults at this point) we will be different than we are now. I'm afraid a little because I miss Josh and I don't want to come back to face that loneliness I left smack dab in the middle of my dorm room when I return on Monday. It's not fun to spend your days and nights wanting someone you can't touch whenever you want. That part is the worst part, and I have no idea how I'm going to face the coming days and nights except through mustering as much courage as I possibly can.
So.. I don't know.. And all that stuff above sounds rather bad when I reread it though it's not meant to be. What I really want for 2004 is to finally find my niche in this world and have everything else just streamlined.

Maybe wanting to be established in the world at the tender age of 18 is a foolish wish; nobody masters life until they're about 60 perhaps. Ah well. Isn't the purpose to try to until you get that old? Haha, I dunno. Anyways... I digressed a bit there. It's just that right now I kind of want to focus on rebuilding self after such an incredible period of financial, emotional, and intellectual turmoil I just had this previous semester. I have to finish with a decent g.p.a. since my scholarship is probably heading for Miami speeding off in a sexy silver convertible with a leggy, big-boobed blonde to party it up with a winner, for once. But really, I just want to get things together so I can be proud of my college performance.

I guess that's about it for tonight.

Saturday, January 03, 2004

"Making new resolutions a hundred times..." 

Who knows
What will be
But I'll make you this guarantee, see

No way November will see our goodbye
When it comes to December, it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone at Christmastime
Come January we're frozen inside
Making new resolutions a hunder-ed times
February, won't you be my valentine?
If our always is all that we gave
And we someday take that away
I'll be alright
If it was just 'til Saint Patrick's Day

That's what I was thinking about, and it just happened to be playing on the old John Mayer cd which I happen to like a lot more than the new one. I realize I haven't written on here in about three days, and I would apologize except I'm not sorry. To tell the truth I've sorta been hiding out and taking a few days off the internet (except for looking up new beading techniques and the like).

Can you believe that 2003 is already left behind in the dust? I haven't even practiced writing "2004" yet on any of my papers or things like that. What's weird is I can vividly remember this time last year, just chilling before going back to school, you know? Monday will find me back at school, as I've told you several times before, I'm sure. It's not that I'm dreading going back, but there's just a certain feeling of loneliness I used to get while I was there. In opposition to most of my other years, I'm trying to start this new year in a different direction. I want much more in 2004! Yeah, that was corny, but it's still true. I will try not to make some of the same mistakes which bound me in previous years, and so far, that hasn't been to bad. What I'm still struggling with is food, but as soon as I get away from the richness of the holidays at home and have full-time access to a gym, I'm planning on doing better for myself. To begin with, I've planned to make it there 2x per week, and, as my needs change, I'll up that number to 4 at most.

We've got a little family situation going on, but it's in the extended family so I'm not too worried about things. I guess it must make my father feel bad mostly, but he doesn't show it that much. Anyway, it will be alright in the end.

I kinda don't feel like writing much more tonight. Later all.