Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Open the window
Let the sunset in
If only for the last time
Let me see you smile again

I'll take my records
You can have your books
I'm sorry I never read them
But it says so much about us

Always trying
To make love out of care
The perfect recipe
But something wasn't there

Sunrays and Saturdays
Perfect starry nights
Sweet dreams and moonbeams
And a love that's warm and bright
Sunrays and Saturdays
Friendship strong and true
Oceans of blue and a room with a view
To live the life you choose

You'll write me letters
I'll call you on the phone
A wire away from touching
And never quite alone

We'll get to know ourselves again
And we'll heal our hearts
It's not that we're bad together
We're just better off apart

Always trying
To have one and one make two
And even though it never worked
I still feel love for you

Sunrays and Saturdays
Perfect starry nights
Sweet dreams and moonbeams
And a love that's warm and bright
Sunrays and Saturdays
Friendship strong and true
Oceans of blue and a room with a view
To live the life you choose

I loathe you, blogger, for eating a perfectly good, long, interesting entry that it took me three quarters of an hour to compose. I loathe you, blogger.

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Today was my first day of work. The first quarter went by a little slowly, but by 11am things seemed to be flying by. It was great until about 3:45 when I got sleepy and started nodding out at my mom's desk. Eventually I got back into the flow of things and left an hour later. It felt good to have worked myself tired all day and take a nap at the end. I'm already making plans on how to spend my first check which will be a 3-week one, since this is the middle of a pay-period. Most of it will go toward savings for next school year, and the rest of it will be used to purchase the few items I need to go back to school. I'm excited and nervous about it, but most of all, I'm just ready for it.. It's time to go back to making my own decisions and planning my own things without having to worry about input from others. I mean, I got consultations when I needed it but most of the time it was just me. Yeah, I know that wasn't always such a great way to go, but at least it was slightly less stress.
So how am I doing after the thing with Josh? Still okay, but now I'm sort of feeling the pangs of loneliness again. Cyclic as they are, it's a wonder I didn't expect them sooner. Anyways, I guess things in my life will be slowing down soon and settling into the groove of working until 4:30 and then sleeping until 6:30. Sounds like an interesting life... Not. Then again, at least I'll have fundage to do with as I please. That'll be a plus, as then I could stop mooching off my mom, which is tooootally embarrassing.
Thinking back over this entry, it seems like there really isn't much to say about today. I went and got some clothes and things but mostly it just made me embarrassed and sad. I'll maybe go into it later.

Right now, though, I have to go do some cleaning, so I guess I should be back to fill you in on things tomorrow. Goodnight.

Monday, June 16, 2003

Amidst all that's going on in my life, I often feel detached (sp) and bored, like I'm observing my life in another yard through a hole in a wooden fence. Things aren't insanely interesting, and while metamorphoses are occurring, they are very, very slow.
I broke up with Josh for the last time on Friday night. He took it well enough, but sometimes he frightens me with the things he says. He said that I was being irrational and not thinking clearly when I broke up with him, and his strategically placed "we'll see"s were a discomfort. I know that many times I've told him and myself that we were through only to turn around weeks or even days later and be back in his arms, or even worse, in his bed. I lost respect for myself and came back groveling, begging him to forget all the things I'd said and accept me in a relationship again. Even then, I'd be disgusted and tired of myself but it felt like the alternative, being alone, was unacceptable, especially there among 30000 other people, laughing and talking and living their lives in faux happiness. I wanted to pretend too, so I did. What I really wanted deep inside was to make things right with my family and with God. Neither was easy, and even though I'm farther along than I was then, things still arent' completely to rights. I'm slowly earning my parents' trust back, and my relationship with God is even more slow in its improvement. But at least now I'm not operating completely out of His will. I'm lonely and a bit sad still, but I know He'll take care of all of it.
One day I'm going to look at the blessings around me and be so incredibly encouraged. Not that I'm not blessed now, but I will feel the peace He wants me to feel from being in the right place. Even now I feel the beginnings of it. I've broken up with Josh, but I'm not broken like I used to be each time I tried to end it. I want this one to be real so I can get the breakthrough that I've been waiting and hoping for for so long. It feels so awful to talk about our relationship as just another hurdle in my life, and I need God to heal my hurt over that, but I know He will soon. Sometimes I wish I'd never given Josh this journal address so it wouldn't feel so awful when I talked about the things going on in my life, but it's done now and there's no way to undo that.

It's late, and I'm working early tomorrow, so I guess I'll go to bed. Goodnight, and please leave comments if you need to.

Friday, June 13, 2003

Hey... I've got good news:

I'm now employed full time with CPS! I even have a snazzy new ID featuring the cutest picture I've taken in a while. Yes, it's juvenile and cute, but it feels really great to have a job. Added to my happiness is the fact that I receive my first check on 7/03, and a three-week one at that. Hip hip hooray.
I don't feel like giving out the details of that right now, but know that if I hadn't been at 125 S. Clark I would have been shoutin' and praisin' God right there on the street corners. Plus, I was wearing 3 inch heels and didn't feel like paining my feet more when they've been so patient with me the past coupla weeks.
*sighs contentedly* Yup, I'm finally employed, and there are other interns where I'm working so it should be fun making friends with them and such. I get to work with generally friendly people, so yay.
Right now I'm really sleepy tho so more laters.

Wednesday, June 11, 2003


What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

"okay, *takes deep breath* this is hard for me to do, but bare with me. I apologize for the comments I left the other day on your journal. I have the unfortunate character trait of having a temper which can go off pretty quick. I end up saying things i don't mean, and regretting them later. Your original congrats coment cuold have been in the best of spirits or out of sarcasim, that I don't know. But I only took it one way. It put gasoline on the fire. It reminded me of the "Have A Nice Day", and pissed me off. In response I wrote things to hurt you. That has seem to be my mindset in trying to make the pain I feel less. It doesn't work, I only feel like a complete asshole after I've calmed down. Believe it or not, but I try so hard to forgive you. It hasn't quite worked yet, but I think only time can heal this wound. I really do wish you the best in life. What you are going through with josh really hurts my heart because I know how hard life can be when you have difficulties(whatever they may be) with the one you love so much. I know you will do good in school, and become whatever you want to be (sorry if i sound like someones speaker at a high school graduation). I hope things work out for you and that if you don't lose the weight you want, then that you gain more self esteem in your appearence. When you write about your lack of real friends, I wish things were like they used to be, but I know that will never happen. I don't need a reply, but one would be nice. I'm trying to grow up, and I'm still learning. And if God has allowed me to forgive Joe (after all he's done), then when it's time I will also be able to truly forgive you. And please don't believe, like some other people, that I'm just dumfounded by love. I know what joe did, and i may not even know all that he did, but i want to spend the rest of my life with him, and part of love is forgiveness. If you and josh are meant for each other, then something will work out, just don't give up on him.

"I've known you for the past five years, for better or worse, so believe it or not I sort of expected either that kind of comment from you or dead silence. I was hoping for dead silence, but it's not as if your reply truly shocked me. I appreciate your apology but there's no irreparable harm done. No worries. I mostly hoped that after all this time we could finally be peaceful, if not get along. I thought I knew the reason why we always clash, but I think it's best I keep it to myself because there's no point in fueling the fire, as you said. I meant what I said about wishing you two good luck. Perhaps as recently as about six months ago I would have been sarcastic, but that's a part of my life that's completely over and after all that's happened between me and you and Joseph I can honestly say that I wish you both the best. I have to admit, I sometimes feel a mild disdain, but that's something I'm working with and it will eventually go away. As for my relationship with Josh... I don't really know how things will work out. I appreciate your concern, really, but I haaate pity :) so don't worry about me. That goes for my weight and friendship problems as well. I wear my feelings on my sleeve and have no qualms about expressing my deepest thoughts and feelings in my journal. Weakness has never been a problem, and that's not going to start now. Anyway, I encourage you to not worry so much about people trying to hurt you or stab you in the back because that only detracts from the energy you can spend loving Joe, and as I've said time and time again, only love and prayer can get you through the rough times in a relationship. Take all the good luck and good wishes anyone's willing to give you, and pray that the sarcastic ones still bless you. So... I don't know if this is the last time we'll deal with each other, but this is one test I really really want to pass so I can move on. I know you want the same. So, unsarcastically and with my whole heart, I wish you good luck. Joe too. --Laura"

So, as you can see, we're trying to work things out. It's not a fast process... five years is quite a long time, but at least we're attempting to go in that direction. Sometimes I truly feel bad for her and then I get angry thinking of all the years I let myself be hurt by what she said. Most of the time I took the low road too disguised in disdain for both of them, yet I kept coming back with attempting to befriend them. Now that I'm slightly wiser, I realize that's impossible. There's just too much mess between us in our histories.
Anyways, I'm rather excited about the whole job scene now. Hopefully I get this one. My mom said that it's really an internship that pays $10/hr and I'd only really be working 6 hours a day, but at this point, any income would be much appreciated. I don't even have enough to get my dad anything decent for Father's Day, and that's coming up on Sunday.... You wanna hear something really really nasty? Mom wants me and my aunt out of the house all day so she can give my dad his Father's Day present.. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW lol. At least it's something that he can't and won't want to take back to the store, hehe.

I guess that's about all I have for tonight. Most of my day was uneventful, as usual. At about nine, I woke up and talked to my mom and stuff as she got ready for work; she was crying because she feels that her mom has never told her she looks nice because of her weight. I tried to console her, but what I really wanted is to tell my grandmother that what she's doing to my mom is ruining their relationship and mostly causing resentment between them.. There's not unlimited time to be fixing these things, so if at all possible they should try to fix things before it's too late. My mom made us all promise not to say anything to my grandma about it, and since I promised then I won't. Nonetheless, I wish there was something I could do.
We're starting a new regimen soon. Part of me just wants to go on and lose all this weight so everyone will leave me alone about it. They know I struggle with a self-control problem anyways... I'm never going to be a size 4 so hopefully they understand that. I don't intend to diet. I'll excercise and eat less, but I hate dieting and it ends up making me feel so much worse than I did originally that there's no point in doing it and making myself miserable and irritable for days, you know? i'm not going to worry about it very much. Once I start working and have something to do besides eat and watch tv during the day I'll be quite alright.

My cousin's bf is supposed to be dropping by tonight, but it's already almost 10. If he's any kind of gentleman he'll postpone his visit until tomorrow. I stress the if part, though. We'll see what happens.

Hopefully sooner or later I'll get some news from one of these schools letting me know what choices I'll need to make for next year. It's mid-June now, and I only have until the end of August. That's 2.5 months. Eventually I'll get it all together, you know? I'm a little afraid of starting all over from scratch, so pray for me all of you! Later gators.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Most of the time, when you think you're finally through with some aspects of your life, they come back and bite you in the butt as God's way of telling you that you haven't passed that test. Sometimes these tests come back with the same exact questions on them and you have a double opportunity to pass, if you've studied, that is.
The sad part is even those kinds of tests are failed. Some of them we fail worse than the tests containing totally new material. God help us all.

Monday, June 09, 2003

Ahh, back home. It was really beautiful and everything, but I'm sincerely glad it's over. More at another time when I'm not so tired.

Thursday, June 05, 2003

Today was yet another day of running errands and such for my cousin's wedding, however some of those errands were for my benefit as well. It was nice to be able to get both my hair and nails done on the same day so when I went visiting at my mom's friend's house for her birthday I could look nice. To be honest, I didnt realize just how much I missed social contact with people my own age. It was good talking to Genesis about her boyfriend and everything, and I even got a chance to feel Darlene's baby kick. She just pressed on her stomach a few times and the baby pushed back.. it was too weird and cool at the same time. She's six months and huge, considering what a small person she used to be. Anyways...
I got a job interview with Kidstart scheduled for Saturday but I'll be out of town... Hopefully they can reschedule me for next Saturday. I really need that job. Pray it comes through. Also, Josh got my letter, finally. It only took two days to get there and I'm still waiting for his reaction on it but he's in a game right now so I'll have to wait. Oh, I meant to mention that I was in the mall with my mom today and she was searching for some shoes to go with her coral suit. The sad thing was this really cute but really pervy guy was hitting on me right in front of her!! I mean wtf is that?! Don't you realize you have to show a woman respect, especially in front of her mother?? He must have been a serious perv who, because of his nice grey eyes, was used to getting women to do anything he wanted. Well there was a news flash for that guy. I'm not stupid. Maybe a little naive, but not stupid. Dream on, perv.
Seems like nowadays my blogs are getting shorter and shorter and I run out of things to say. It sucks that I'm just recounting the details of my day instead of saying something really interesting, but I guess you guys will just have to understand. There'll be more when things settle down.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Today went fine. I delivered my aunt to the airport with no major accidents and returned to sleep only to be awakened almost every 30 minutes or so by a phone call. The navy even called about my ASVAB scores from high school, but I declined, stating that my family's proud military tradition began and will probably end with my brother. I got a chance to briefly talk with Josh on the phone for about 20 minutes and it was nice. To be honest, it was probably a good thing that our time was so short because we inevitably run out of things to talk about every time we have a conversation. The reason I had to leave him was my mom had forgotten her laptop here and needed me to deliver it to her. I did and ended up working with her briefly on some reports she needed to type up. At least everyone at her workplace can see my mom has a decent and nice daughter.
After work we went to the mall to see if we could find my mom something to wear to the wedding on Saturday. After much searching around in plus-sized women's stores that carried clothes much too casual for the occasion, we went to Carson's, where we found the most beautiful $318 suit with embroidery and beading over the entire jacket. It was utterly lovely, but they didn't have it in my mom's size. Again we hopped into the car and went across the street to this place called Catherine's, which had a lovely but very flaming coral suit. I suggested mom try it on and she did, begrudgingly, but to her surprise it fit her quite well and looks very nice. Now all we have to do is get shoes, a bag, and jewelry to go with it. Hopefully that can be done between now and Thursday night. Once again my cousins came here to throw their monkey wrench into the works when we should have been shopping for my mom's stuff. But that's another rant for another time.
I have yet to get my hair and nails done, but that will be taken care of tomorrow, hopefully. Then I have to go out to Hancock Fabrics and purchase a headband, illusion netting, lace, and ribbon, then to Michaels (a craft store) for some silk flowers for a bouquet. Guess that means no sleeping late for me. What a busy day. Anyway, I still haven't packed and my mom wants my room cleaned before I leave, so I should probably get off here to do that. I love you Josh, and goodbye everyone else. I'll keep you posted on stuff.

Monday, June 02, 2003

It's time for yet another dose of daily blog, kids.
Bear with me, as I'm eating popcorn as I type... Oh wait, how would you know there were pauses unless I told you? *pauses to eat another handfull of popcorn and catch a coupla minutes of the simpsons* Anyway, I need to be getting to bed because I have to take my aunt to the airport in the morning. I'm talking 6am and stuff...
In other news, I went jobhunting today at two different malls in my area. I must have put in like 30 applications before I got home at about 3pm. It was tiring work, but hopefully some stores call and want me to work for them. I really need to start making some money. I was thinking, if I got to work at The Gap, Josh Allen would be totally sick, hehe.
well my mother wants me to go to bed so I guess I should at least by 11pm so I can get up in the morning. I'll ttyl.

Happy June, Friends. Today (or technically, yesterday, as it's 1:20CST right now) marked the countdown for my cousin's wedding. It was more stress and bad feelings because of the coordinator. It's amazing how even when you deal with people who work for/with the church, they're still really really carnal and jerks. But I guess there are all kinds of spirits at work there.
As for me, I've been having seriously bad headaches daily and I haven't known why until I consulted Webmd.com today and found out that some people just have the luck of frequent, persistent headaches for some reason. I don't count myself in that number, but I think I do have these frequent persistent headaches because of sinus pain and pressure. Allergy season has never been worse for me and I don't know why because I never really developed allergies until about two years ago. They say that if you have allergy problems in the form of sinus problems your child will manifest them in the form of skin problems, and that sucks for little Ariana and Keith when they're born. But oh well... Sorry kids.
I haven't much else to say but a small gripe and then I'm done:
I must be a selfish person to think that I have to be the best dressed person at a function. Today my cousin bought an incredible strapless dress and she has big boobs, a small waist, and long legs. She looks great in it, and I told her so, but part of me is saddened because I had hoped to turn some heads with my little dusty-rose-colored top and skirt combo. I doubt it now, because she's really tall and everything and I'm pretty much short and plump, but I suppose it doesn't matter. I guess it's just as well because I'm not on the market anyway, but it's at least nice to be admired. Perhaps one day I will get out of my smallness or gain the willpower to lose this weight I've been continually gaining since I got back from college. Then again, I've been depressed ever since then with no knowledge of what to do. I mean, I'm jobless and not in school either... It tears me up inside, you know? Ugh. Anyways, I'm tired, so I'm going to sign off... Just wanted to give you a little blog before bed. I love you guys.