Tuesday, July 29, 2003

It's amazing how many couples around me are getting pregnant and having children. Some of the people I've grown up with are pregnant and having babies, and it not only scares me but it also makes me sick. I don't feel like I'm any better than them.. I only feel incredibly thankful that God blessed me enough to spare me of that. I don't think my family or I could handle that. It makes me want to do better as far as my sexual relationship, you know? This time I've spent here hasn't completely cured me of my sexual drive; if anything, it's brought it out even more. I wonder how I'll contain myself when I get back to school and everything.
*sigh* This whole sex thing is incredibly scary. I can't even think about it without wincing.. doesn't that, in a way, take the fun out of sex?

Other than that I just feel bound up and frustrated. With my aunt living here, I feel like I haven't had the chance for a vacation and that's just really sad. Then again, maybe that was what last summer was for: just chilling out and relaxing, doing nothing. I can't wait until she gets a job and decides to move out. There's no real reason for her to be here and all she does is aggravate me more and take my mom away. It's rediculous. She's not my sister and she's not my mother. She's my aunt, and she needs to work so she can get a place of her own and take all her family over there and feed them with her money and use her electricity on them and risk burning down her own house, not mine. I mean, it's like I can't stand living here anymore because she's constantly here, all up in whatever me and my mom do. It's so freaking annoying. UGh. I can't wait to get back to school, you know?
I'll be leaving soon, though, so that's my consolation.

Well, thats enough. Later.

I've never been one of those people who consciously thought she had it all together. I was always vaguely aware that other people thought so, but of course they were wrong. A couple of Mondays ago, when Derrick told me that other people thought I was stuck up because I always had a witty remark or a snippy comment to make, I could only wonder that people didn't see through my flimsy bravado to the real me who was always struggling to belong to one group for longer than five seconds, to share some similarities with someone who would understand and not judge me because I had (or didn't have) so many problems. The older I get the more vulnerable I realize I was in high school. Whether they knew it or not, a handful of people had the power to make my self-esteem or break it, and most of the time they succeeded in doing the latter. Amazingly, though, that flimsy bravado held fast--or at least it did to them. Every night I went home and furiously wrote in my journal until I thought my hand was breaking. Better my hand than my heart, though.
I'm still very much that vulnerable little girl who was too young for driving but too old to be content with throwing food and making cracks at Butch. It's always been that way with me. Even now, as a sophomore in college, I want more than I can hold with my two hands, my brain, my heart... I know that greed is wrong, but there's something insatiable inside me. I want more than I can wrap my mind around, and that just blows my mind even more. Ugh.. How can I explain it to you?

I guess what this all is really about is my fear of declaring a major at the end of this year. So many people stay on the 5 or 6 year plans because they couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted to do and be. Is obstetrics and gynecology my calling? Can I make it through college with grades decent enough to be granted entrance to medical school? Can I pass the MCAT? Can I become a great resident? Can I really do this at all? I've imagined it so many times, but that doesn't necessarily make it easier, or more realistic to me. It's sad that my mother can have visions and dreams of my brother in a business suit looking prosperous, but she doesn't even have an inkling of what's in store for me. With all the gift of prophecy in my house, no one can seem to figure out what my future holds. I could ask God for myself, but what if he tells me to be a missionary to China or somewhere in the Himalayas? I don't think I could do that. The alternative is to press along with a biology major, not knowing what to expect(because I can't imagine myself majoring in anything else and UM doesn't offer English as a minor, sadly) and waste (or not) hundreds of thousands of dollars on my stubbornness. Could I live with myself after making a mistake as huge as that? A better question is, could I live with myself after making a mistake as expensive as that?

On the other hand, my first love has always been English. I've devoted my life to keeping my private thoughts publicly and have encouraged others to do the same. However, I just don't see how a career in English would be lucrative. I don't have a love of teaching, and I never have. I'm one of those people who gets excited about something and talks all over himself about whatever it is, leaving people more confused than they were in the first place. I can't mold young minds and prepare them for higher education. But what else is there? I just don't know.

This was a typing-at-work entry, but I'm sure I'll be more revealing when I get home. We'll see. Later.

Thursday, July 24, 2003

I washed my hair tonight and thought about that hair forum we had in high school about three years back or so. At that point, I didn't think that straightening my hair meant that I was neglecting part of my heritage, but now that I'm older and have time to think about exactly what society's doing to black women's images of themselves through perpetrating the straight-haired negress, I'm convinced. That stubborn, worldly part of me refuses to give up my old habits, however, and I'm resigned to spend three hours blowdrying, detangling, pressing, and styling my naturally super-curly locks.
And another thing: where did the word "nappy" originate?

*sigh* I hope the churning in my stomach isn't food poisoning, because that would suck. I am hurting through and through my stomach, though. Time to go lay down. Later.

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

It must be you, Blogger. I mean, every single night I come here expecting to fill you with hundreds of thousands of words, but by the time I arrive there's nothing left to say. Perhaps I should just stop thinking.
Well, that's not the total truth. Some stuff Josh just said has left me feeling not only speechless but a little strange. I so hate surprises, you know? Not that what he says should be taken as such, but I'd rather be told whatever the problem or issue is beforehand so I can have a little experience with handling it by the time I get to where we're supposed to talk about it and can handle it in a mature way.
I honestly feel I've been assaulted.
If only it were possible to separate this feeling from the rest of my day so that I can convey it to you like usual. Let's give it a go.

Work was pretty decent, as decent as it has been in a very long time. I got to have some fun at work in the form of not being up to anything at all for much of the day. The workload hasn't lightened, but it's more manual labor than anything else. Most of the time I'd prefer doing something that leaves my mind unoccupied so I can let it wander where it wants. I spent today cleaning out two peoples' desks so they could be moved out because new furniture is coming in tomorrow morning. You couldn't imagine how much crap people keep in their desks. I mean, no wonder we have rodents.
Anyway, early on in the day, Kefarin came in to say good morning and ended up being forced to assist Ms. Sanford in moving her boxes from the office to the storage room. We did have some good banter with each other and Michael and Josh, a tall guy who is a little too quiet for my tastes. Anyway, it seemed like Kefarin and I could never really get some time to talk without Michael butting in, which leads me to believe that there's a little rivalry going on between them that has little or nothing to do with myself. At the beginning of my tenure there, I didn't find it a problem, assuming it would lead to me getting at least 2 dates. However, with the end of our duration there coming up as soon as two weeks, I don't really see that happening. It's pretty sad. I've tried to be quiet and coy and even attempted some risky moves and absolutely nothing's happened. Guys are soooo clueless as to when girls are interested. It doesn't even have to be something serious between the two of them, but it seems like the girl has to clunk the guy over the head with an iron skillet and beat him into understanding. No double entendres, no coyness.
*sigh* The whole dating game is difficult to master. This is valuable practice in the ways of manipulation, I'm sorry to say, but every girl needs to know how to say and do the right thing to get her will carried out. That'll also be good for the workplace, as it teaches a girl democracy.
Alright, I know I'm selling it to myself, but I need to believe this is the right thing for me to be doing at this point in my life. Settling down is in the back of my mind, but I want to be able to say I've done things and seen things and am sure exactly what I want out of a relationship and life. Besides, there are some cool people out there who won't even talk to you unless you get out there and get to them. Sometimes that takes a little harmless flirting.
I hope I don't sound like a hypocrite or anything. It's just that I'm finally starting to enjoy a little bit of my life. I don't want to go back to moping around like I did all freshman year. This one can be different--infinitely better with a changed outlook. I want to get the most I can, you know? I want to share with other people and learn new things and give love back to the world, and it all starts here, with me being eighteen and opening myself to new experiences. Wish me luck.

Monday, July 21, 2003

All through the day when I'm hoping for a good bit of free alone-time, I'm always thinking of what to post in this blog. When the time comes, however, I never really know what I'm going to say. There are so many random thoughts and interesting notes I should post here but now that I'm sitting in front of the keys, nothing seems to make sense. I could complain work, but think of how much time I waste doing that. I could talk about how I feel about my body, but I'm eighteen years old so you already know that. I could talk to you about how I feel about Josh, but that's so cyclic that you already know that too. So what interesting thoughts do I have left to post?

Very few, if not none.
I'll try anyway, though.

I can honestly understand why a lot of people practice bulimia. I mean, it's really tempting. Now, before you get all "my body is a temple and I shouldnt do that to it" on me, just think about it. I mean, with bulimia you can eat whatever you want and not pay for it calorie-wise. You just discreetly go into a bathroom and "yammy" it all up (thanks Josh A. for the euphemism) and brush your teeth and that's it. I have considered it myself. I dunno about making a regular practice of it. I'll admit to doing it when I've felt extreeeeemely guilty about not watching what I ate and resigned myself to watching it come back up. Sorry, nasty thought, right? I've just felt so awful about this whole thing and watching myself balloon up. It's rediculous and I can't seem to get it together in a healthy manner which is so frustrating to me. My family's no help. It's not like they talk about me being fat or anything, but it's hard to have self-control in a house where everyone's eating everything not nailed down. But I can't blame them for my own problems. This is something I hope to do a bit better on before school and everything.

I'm also kinda bummed that I didn't really do anything I intended to this summer. I've had one date, which was really nice, but I'd hoped for more. I'd also hoped to go to at least one summer concert but I let that slip by as well and now all the good ones at the venues I know are over. And I'm just not willing to spend $40 on a ticket to see Justin Timberlake, no matter how fyne he is. *sigh* That means still no pictures to put up on my wall and stuff, yet again. That's so sad. I should just go ahead and ask some of the kids from work or something. That'd be fun. I guess.

Did I tell you that I went with a guy from work on Friday to pick up my check from downtown? Well, we went during work hours which was nice, and that gave us some time to talk. I learned about his brother and sister and that he's the middle child. He's graduating this school year with like a 2.7 or so, and though he hasn't done everything perfectly, he has some great insights to share. I'm afraid I was a little colder than necessary with him at work today, but I was really hot and tired. That office is unreasonable. I mean I worked ALL day... and it seemed like my boss kept calling me in over and over and making more work for me to do. At any rate, lots of things got accomplished, and I'm proud of that. I do have someone's desk to clean out tomorrow though and I'm not looking forward to it. Great day.
I should probably go clean the kitchen and get that done and stuff. I just don't feel like it. For some reason, there's something inside me that's insatiable and I dont know what it is and what will satisfy. Nothing seems to do it tonight--not music, talking to people, or even typing this blog. I just keep wanting more. TV was awful too. I'm tired of complaining. What do I need? Any ideas? Let me know.
Now to clean the kitchen.

I've been having an uneventful weekend for the most part. Well, actually, most of it's been sewed up with preparations for my cousin's ill-fated wedding. I'm so ready for her and her mother to move on from this stage of my life. I mean, my entire summer has been free of chilling because of them and all the mess they've brought with them.
I'm sort of getting depressed again.. a little bit anyway. It's like I can't seem to shake this new weight I've acquired. I feel like a bouy. At the risk of being unhealthy, I've decided to fast until the end of the week. Though my aunt wants us to fast for her daughter, I don't think she deserves it and I dont feel like doing it for her, so I'm not. I just want to be able to fit better into my dress. If all works out, I will keep up the fasting until I get back to school. I'd like to be a lot thinner before I see all the people from UM again. I remember being unhappy with my appearance while I was there, but it just seems like whenever I'm home I stop caring. I can't live like this, though.

I'm afraid of a lot of things, like marriage. I know what I've told Josh and everything but I do'nt want to think about it for a long time. There's so much life to be had while I'm single... I mean, not like I'm dating every available guy but I don't want to have to think for two until I'm absolutely sure I have everything ready for a comfortable life for both of us and I'm of the mindset where I'm ready. Right now I'm just not and I don't want to think about it anymore.

*sigh* I'm sorry blog. I just don't know what else to say.. Amazing how boring the net is when there's hardly anyone to talk to :(. I'll write later on or something.

Friday, July 18, 2003

I love people who are deep. I mean, people with a profound grasp on life, who know that it holds more than just power and sex and attention. That's why I gravitate toward people like Mike, and both Joshes, and even Richard, who I miss dearly. *sigh* I must also have a slight problem with men, also, because I can't seem to hold any female friends in my life. I don't know how to approach them or deal with them. And all my friends are people who I've had an attraction to, at some point (only the guys--dont mistake me), and that's why our relationships aren't so lasting. I also think that's the reason why Richard ran away from me.
Anyway, I've been trying to understand more about myself so I can push this new persona forward. She hasn't yet been ruined and perhaps I can get her to go further than Laura had gone.
So today I found out that Kefarin is a fourth-year student who'll graduate in May. I think that explains his more-confident persona. He's probably the most developed of the three college guys at my job. Michael, though he's probably the smooth talker of the bunch, has a more immature outlook on women. They both are trying to use humor and lighthearted flirtiness with me, and I appreciate it (cuz it makes me feel wanted hehe). I hope I can get a date from each of them and see how they really are casually.

I'm nervous and excited for some reason, as things are picking up this summer. I'm not insanely busy, as I'd kinda hoped to be, but things are alright. The wedding is tying things up a little too much for me, though, and my hairdresser is out of town until August 1st, which leaves me in sort of a bind about this wedding. Hmm.. I'll have to find another beautician before then.
I'm thinking tomorrow night, if I don't get asked out (and I probably won't), I'll wash and press my hair for Saturday's Bridal Shower. I also need to be heading to the stores to get the little ungrateful wench a gift. Blarg. It should be a bachelorette party with strippers. Now THAT would be a party.

I saw Nastarcia C outside of Carter G. Woodson Library today on my way to see IL Governor Rod Blagojevich sign some bills about racial profiling and videotaping confessions. That's pretty cool, and there were some interns there hott enough to make me want to go into politics, lol. Anyway, I was wayy underdressed for the occasion which made me feel rather odd, but I handled it. Work was otherwise fine. I do have to go pick up my check tomorrow at CPS central office, but I have to go after work so my boss doesn't assign me extra tasks to do which would make me have to come back after hours.
I want someone to ask me out for this weekend! That'd fit in perfectly on Sunday cuz tomorrow night and Saturday afternoon I'll be busy. So, if you know any cute guys, let them know I'm free on Sunday, ok? Social life is kinda fun. Hopefully I can keep the buzz up during the school year.

I guess that's it for tonight. More drama about the wedding going on in the basement and I need to mediate and keep the peace. Goodnight all, and comment on my blog!

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

FINALLY, some interesting news to report! Even reminiscing about it makes me happier, and my mom always complains about my negativity.
Last night I went out with Derrick to dinner and a movie. I know, you're thinking..."Eeeew, not Derrick!!", but it was really nice and I had a good time. It was great to break my dry spell with something so nice. We went to see Pirates, and I learned that I'm going to have to date Johnny Depp before I have a fling with Orlando Bloom which will also be before I get engaged to Maxwell. We're not together yet because I didn't want to cheat on him, but the wedding invitations will be in the mail in a few weeks and stuff, just so you know.
It seemed like last night Derrick was trying to put the moves on me and everything, but I was vague and aloof, like I should have been the first time we went out. It was just that I had felt so closeted for a long time, and that was the only time I had to release a little steam from my pressure valve, you know? I shouldn't have done it, and looking back I realize just how immature and unprepared for dating I really was. Now, though, things are different, and I feel more ready to handle whatever a man can throw at me, including my past.
He did say some interesting things, like letting me know why things were the way they were for me in high school. I realize now that all my pent-up frustration about being such a loser was partly what kept me from making as many friends as I could and should have. Also, my stupid mouth [kept] me in trouble (*wink* John Mayer). Hopefully I've learned that using razor-sharp wit isn't the way to coax people toward you. Duly noted, self, honest.
Anyway, I had a great time, and Derrick's said he's developing a crush on me which I find rather cute. I had hoped that last night would be good for both of us and remain clean, and it did. Yay.

I've talked with Josh for the past two nights and each conversation has been really good. I didn't realize how much I missed him. Maybe we can be at least friends when I come back to Michigan. Can you believe that's the first time I've mentioned that in a long time? Whoa... it feels good to finally say that.
I've been having long conversations with my benefactors who provided the most substantial scholarship I have to date, and they seem so willing and ready to help me maximize my financial aid from Umich. I'm so grateful to them for all the kindness they've shown me at the expense of their time and efforts. They truly are a great organization, and Mr Wentcher, I want to be like you when I grow up. Anyways... I'm going to call UM in the morning and figure out what I can do so they don't gank my aid when they deposit other scholarships in my student account.
On a different topic, I found out the problem with my new phone is the chip inside it. The woman I spoke with at Cingular told me that I need to go into a dealer and purchase a new chip and they'll credit my account or something. Dad wants to send it back at their expense and have them give me a new one and do all the work, etc. I don't think that's too unreasonable a request, but who knows what'll happen.

*sigh* Work was exhausting.. I felt like I was in suspended animation, or trying to peer through a thick fog which impaired my movements. My boss didn't understand and gave me those same fifteen letters to reprint just because she didn't like "Chicago Public Schools" beneath her name. In the 27 times she's given me to reprint and retype that letter, she didn't notice until today that it needed to be taken out???
And another thing: Ms Lewis from GBCPA is now working out of our office. Mom and I are rather horrified, but what are you gonna do? Oh well. I know I can't arrive late anymore. They will trip, as they did this morning. So, for future references, I now begin work promptly at 9am and leave at 3pm. You can get in touch with me if you like.

Guess that's about it for this 2-day entry. I hope you found it hella interesting. :P

Saturday, July 12, 2003

I dont understand why everybody else's lives seem so interesting. Mine isn't horrible in the least, but I suppose it's that whole "other-side-of-the-fence"-type thing. What I really want more than anything else for my writing is to develop a sharp sense of style. Among the top things on my list of sweeeet techniques and tricks writers use is understatement. One day, when I get enough money and a fast car, I will have time to devote hours, days, and decades to my writing.
Until then, though, I'm obliged to write you about my life.
Morning, meaning approximately 12pm, found me in bed awaking to the sound of the weedwhacker in the back yard. Ahh, the sound of lawn-manicuring and the smell of grass just oozes summer to me. It's great. Anyway, since I was half-naked (when I'm at home that's how I sleep, if not totally buff) and didnt' feel like dressing just yet, I grabbed the Georgette Heyer historical novel I read until I fell asleep last night and picked up where I left off. Of late, I haven't found a novel that tickles my fancy just so, so it's more like I'm reading out of sheer necessity of maintaining my reading skills. That book is toootally boring. It's about king Charles in 1620-something, and there's hardly any romance in it. Just Charles narrowly escaping death page after page and being nice to the loyalists who feed, clothe, and shelter him from his Scotsman enemies. Bah. I've seen episodes of the McLaughlin Group that were more entertaining than this novel. Honest.
Anyway, once I got up, I decided to follow the sounds of laughter to the basement where I once again found the women of my family working on Victoria's wedding. I wasn't obliged to help immediately, but I finally got into the spirit of things and begain spray-painting silk roses. It seems like her wedding is coming together for way less than about $500, which is spectacular. But, since I don't really like her very much, I'm not too thrilled about it. Anyway, Vicki had been at a wedding with her fiancé all day and left both our mothers to work on her crap (as usual, because like she said, she doesn't handle details). Anyway, we worked on that and I worked on Greg's boutonniere. He didn't give a shiat about it, which hurt my feelings, but of course I didn't say so what with my large bravado. I don't need anyone's approval.
Finally, after making some stir-fry for dinner, I came on the comp and decided to type a blog. I forgot that I'd typed you one last night and was under no obligation to give you another update so speedily, but whatever. Here I am. I read Josh's friend Sepi's blog just because I like her, for some strange reason. I think we would mesh well together, but I have yet to find the courage to speak to her on my own. It doesn't really matter though.
Apparently Derrick has been calling me all afternoon, and here I was thinking that he had decided to call off our date for tonight. I called him back and he told me that he'd try calling me back in a few, but that was about half an hour ago. Hmm..

It was funny today when I asked my aunt to take a letter to the post office for me and she forgot... then she came back home and went out again and still forgot my letter. I guess I'm going to take that as a sign that I should take my own shiat to the post office. Note, though, if I had forgotten her letter, my name would be mud and I would be forced to go to the post office immediately. But that's what you get when people have other priorities than yours. Hey. It's all good. I will take my stuff myself when I go to the bank before church tomorrow. God bless me. I need to pay my tithes.

Until good morrow, good blog.

I think I finally understand what good ol' Mike meant when he said that working at Comcast was a soul-draining, essence-sucking experience, and I can honestly say that working for CPS is as well. You're forced to humble yourself and perform song-and-dance routines for people who couldn't even give a shiat for your personal business and deadlines. I've never been great or personable either in person or over the telephone, so the fact that I need to call schools and get information from them as part of my job makes me uncomfortable, which in turn screws up my phone calls, which makes the schools angry, which ultimately makes my boss angry because she can't get a straight answer out of people.
And another thing: I can't get 5 minutes to myself without my boss calling in an old-woman voice, "LAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!" down the hall like she's birthing the spawn of satan and needs my midwifing capabilities. Like today, during some down time, I went to the front to converse with the other interns and the secretaries (because believe it or not, they're what make the place run smoothly... I love them all.), and she sent a woman that had never seen me before in her life up to the front all, "Is there a La-aura F-f-farr? who works up here? Your boss wants you." So I go back there thinking there was some pressing task for me to complete and she's sitting there like, please type this info. in. I was done with in 5 minutes. I feel like a slave! The Emancipation Proclamation, it seems, was all for naught. I'm still a slave. Gotta tell my ancestors they fought for absolutely nothing. I'm certain that would make them sleep peacefully in their respective graves.

No more complaining about work, though, because I am glad I have some sort of income. Next Friday is a pay-week, too, and that will make me uberhappy. Most of the money will be saved, but you best believe that lots of it will be spent spent spent! Gotta purchase supplies for back-to-school this August.

I'm still thinking about Josh nonstop. When did this happen? When did I allow myself to start feeling things for him again and why? Why is it that he is, once again, invading my private moments with thoughts of the way his hair looked as the sunlight hit it in a certain way, or the way his tongue searched my mouth as we kissed? Why can't I stop thinking of the way he used to hold me close at night? Oh boy; I'm in way over my head. I'm going to let it go before it gets too deep to get out of.

Derrick didn't call, but I didn't really expect him to. I bet he won't even call tomorrow and this will be another one of those weekends you spend alone wondering what the cool people do when out with their friends. I wonder if Monday morning will find me at work with interesting stories to tell about my wild weekend. Hmph.

I kinda want to write fantasies again like I used to, but they probably won't end well with me in such a state of affairs as now. We'll see when I get my act together. It'll happen eventually, but don't hold your breath. Goodnight.

Friday, July 11, 2003

I kept myself too busy to really think about things today. I finally decided to get off my high-horse for a while and help my cousin by making her boutonnieres (check sp) for her wedding. There were 15 of them, but at least now they're done. Now that my contribution has been made, nobody can say that I didn't really do anything either, which takes a huge load off my mind.
Even though I was rather exhausted from work, I came home and made myself accomplish that, and it feels good. Now that I'm free, though, I have time to think about the little conversations I've had with Josh recently. We talked about our relationship again and admitted all the things that were going wrong and identified ways that, should the opportunity ever arise again, we could repair the rifts between us. For one thing, the sex life was taking control of the entire relationship, and that was far from right. We stopped enjoying the simple things, like making out and holding each other and cuddling, etc. It was always just sex sex sex which made me feel really guilty. Also we were lying to my parents, which didn't make things any easier. I told him that the terrible feeling I got from the lies outweighed the good feelings I got from being with him, and I guess I couldnt really separate the two from each other. I don't know if I really love him or not because it doesn't seem like I can get a good handle on my emotions long enough to tell. What is love? How do you define it? I thought that's what we had, but now I'm not sure. If that's the case, does that mean that what we had never was love? Why do I feel like things are going in circles?
I just want someone to hold me and let me sleep until I'm no longer tired...
I'll get to the specifics of my financial woes tomorrow. Tonight's for sleeping. Later.

Thursday, July 10, 2003

It seems like just when I get everything together I take a giant step back. Or maybe in another direction, I guess. Last night was pretty rough as far as my feelings go. I couldn't help thinking about Josh and after talking with a guy from the forums, Xenon, who eloped with his fiancee and now that they have children her parents are fine with their marriage. That kind of thing always makes me think... I mean she's african and her husband Xenon is white and it worked out. I don't know what to think. I know my parents would never go for it though.
The main part is I don't know how to feel.
I guess I shouldn't really be thinking about it or worrying about it right now. I'll have more for you later.

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

Things change from day to night
Somehow the wrongs are turned to right

That's a little couplet for you but mostly for me so that I can remember to keep the faith. I got my check but was surprised to learn that it was a 1-week check and less substantial than I had hoped. Money is still green, though, so it's all good. I paid my mom back for the shoes and the other money I borrowed so I'm pretty much debt free. I have yet to order my thing from Bally about the month membership and everything.
Derrick asked me out for Friday and Saturday but I don't have any details yet. When he calls me, I'll let you know, then I'll let mom know because she must know everything about who I'm going out with. I'm sort of excited but then again I'm not because if you know me you know the history between me and Derrick. I'm nowhere near as stupid as I used to be, though, so I don't think there's any cause for worry about that other stuff. I just hope he's a gentleman. Maybe I should drive and meet him wherever.
I guess that's it for tonight. Sleep tight.

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

I have never blogged from work before, but there's a first time for everything. Everything seems to be going along swimmingly as far as work goes, except for the fact that the people who needed to have sent me things are in the process of getting them in to me. I was supposed to be receiving that information yesterday, but there's always something when you work for CPS, you know?
I have good news and bad news for you all.
The good news is that I did receive my check from CPS after all. It arrived today, and even though I have yet to see it, I did call and confirm with Daddy that it's at home. It's there, all wrapped up nice and warm in the cutest little CPS envelope... waiting for me to spend it like a pre-pubescent child R Kelly style. And you best believe I want to. First I have to pay mom back $82: $40 I borrowed from her for spending and $42 I borrowed from her for my shoes for the wedding. She's always so good to me about money and stuff, never asking for it back. I love her. Anyways, that's off the top, in addition to tithes and offering to church next sunday. Most of this money will be saved, but the part I do spend or put in my working bank account for the purpose of pissing away will be used for unimportant and unnecessary things. I've planned on that. :) Working is such a good thing, and it's been so long since I've made a deposit that I know the people working at Charter One won't know who the heck I am. Oh, yes, I almost forgot to mention that some of this money will also be used for Ballys total fitness and stuff. I can't wait to start my workout routine and show my cousin that even we fat people can look da bomb at her wedding.

The bad news:
My jerky cousin Victoria is attempting to move into my house for the three weeks prior to her wedding. She introduces the idea to my mom this morning: (imagine a 6', 27-year-old with a sing-songy, baby voice)

Victoria: "Auntie Kathy, when can I begin the move-in process?"
My mom is like (and with good reason), "What move-in process?"
Victoria: "For my two-week (LIES!) stay before the wedding."
Mom: "When did we discuss this?"
Victoria: "Well, before I moved in with Greg's Parents (1. Who told you to move in with your fiancé's parents? 2. This was like 3 months ago.) you said that I could come stay with you for a little while."
Mom: "Well, that was before you moved in with Greg."
Victoria: "Oh, I thought the invitation was still open."
Mom: "I have to talk it over with your Uncle John first."

She then proceeds to sit over by the back door with her suitcase all nice and neat, ready to move in at any moment. Me and my mom leave for work.

Me: If she moves in, I'm moving out.

Which brings me to where I am right now. I'm so serious. If we take in one more Hill I swear I'm moving someplace far far away. And that's after I go crazy and commit a heinous murder. You have no idea. They're so like the relatives from hell. They come in and eat up all our food and then leave the kitchen dirty. They have their mother staying with us and don't bring her any spending money yet the four of them have: 1. purchased a car after eloping 2. signed the closing contract for buying a house 3. held a wedding, mostly at the entire family's expense 4. decided to get married without consideration of the family, without a job or place of her own. That was Vernon, Valencia, Vanessa and Victoria, respectively. I mean, it's rediculous. If Jonathan or I tried to do that we'd be tarred, feathered, and shot.
But I am at work, so let me not get too much on my family or I'll turn bright red. More later, if the internet is working. Later.

Monday, July 07, 2003

Now comments are up and running well. Great.

Today was very uneventful as a contrast to yesterday. I did go to church looking great and was tempted to flirt with the bagging boy but I didn't. Oh well. Another missed opportunity.

So this guy Iron from the forums IMs me today and we start talking about his relationship with his new gf and about how the breakup of his engagement changed him. It's so weird to be able to just instantly start talking about deep things with a person you barely know, but that's why I'm grateful for the internet. It lets you be close to people you've never seen and barely know. That's so cool.
Anyways, I'm looking for answers and stuff because I had a very strange dream about Josh last night and I have no idea what it means. I'm tempted to just talk to him about it but he didn't seem like he was answering so I will let it go. I WONT TALK ABOUT IT NOW, okay? Get the hint?
Iron suggests that these strange dreams are a result of trying to cope with the whole idea and my subconscious is doing the best it can with the memories and the new thoughts. Maybe he's right.
I cant take much more of these polar dreams...

Talked to Josh about it and he seems cool with it. Groovy. Time for bed now, sorry for the poor quality entry.

Sunday, July 06, 2003

Looks like comments are down for a bit. Email me with them until I can get them up and running again.. thanks

The management

I haven't posted at my other private journal for some time now, and maybe I should if I intend to keep it. I keep promising myself here that I'll stop the lying, even to myself, but I just can't bear the thought of hurting people. Perhaps, though, the pain lies in concealment rather than exposure of my private thoughts.

Therefore, I shall strive to be truthful tonight, as in my other entries.

I tried to visit Harlan this afternoon per my email to him the other day (and to which he never responded), but I was a little distraught as I couldn't find him in the Art Institute and nobody knew him because they have like 2000 employees that work there. Just as I was giving up on seeing him I went outside the Institute and who should I see but Ashley W. If my life were a tv show from my perspective (kinda like Ally McBeal only with a thick black girl instead of a bulimic/anorexic lawyer/poser), you woulda heard the sound effects go DUNdundunnnnnnnn. I hugged her, despite my heart kind of dropping a bit, as I was genuinely glad to see her again if not a little unnerved by her being there on a day which I thought was supposed to have been mine alone, and I'm sure she felt exactly the same way. We exchanged a few pleasantries and some laughter, but when Harlan came out, it was like the game began. I felt as though they both held me at arm's length the entire day. Before we left the steps of the building (he was on break), he left Ashley and me to decide how the events would proceed from there. I made it a point to ask her if she would like me not to come as my intention was not to break up anything they had previously set up, thereby ruining a date or anything. She assured me in her coolest voice that I should come on, and, perhaps by fault of my mother for teaching me not to back down to a challenge, and partially to my Taurean stubbornness, I followed the two of them down the street to Subway. There we walked, me at Harlan's left and Ashley at his right, to the little restaurant, which probably seemed like a sweet thing for all the other young men passing by. A man flanked by two pretty girls on their way to lunch, and the two girls each trying to best the other in the situation. Thankfully, both Ashley and I remained ladylike, our fangs concealed beneath tight countenances. Because of my intrusion, I felt the burden of conversation on my shoulders, but nobody seemed to be buying it. We ate quickly and left abruptly. I believe that she and Harlan made plans to meet later and discuss the weirdness of the afternoon. I immediately called my relationship counselor, i.e. my mom, and explained the whole frustrating situation. She advised me to wait a week and see if I hear from him and then I'd know how things were. Not being stupid, I believe I already know how things are. I shan't pursue anything else with him from this point. The burden is now on him.
To calm my frazzled nerves, I ambled down to Borders on State and Randolph and wandered aimlessly among the stacks, intending to purchase a mystery but unable to bring myself to do so. Instead I went upstairs, peed, then came across the books on sale. I purchased Fortune's Rock by Anne Shreve and had read the entire thing by about 11:45 tonight. It was by no means an excellent book, but my imagination had been so long without activity I thought that brain-muscle atrophied. No one comes to lie beside me in my fantasies when I'm in bed anymore, leaving me with a peculiar sense of loneliness. You have no idea how much that imaginary man warmed me as I lay snuggled against his invisible chest listening to the nonexistent beating of his heart (which was unmistakably mine) and breathed his familiar scent of nothingness. It's funny how my imaginary lover paled in comparison to presence and warmth of a real lover, not so long ago removed. Sometimes I do still wish, but since that is futile and fruitless, I mostly put it out of my mind. When it is time, things will all come together as they should be. I can and must wait. Meanwhile, I pray my imaginary lover will forgive me and come to me again in those surprisingly chaste fantasies I once had. I don't know.

And now for smalltalk:
My weekend was uneventful, as I told my other journals. I didn't go to Michael's party tonight, which he will undoubtedly mention at work on Monday, but if he really wants to get to know me he will do it someplace away from his friends. Anyway, I spent my Fourth at my aunt Lila's house watching the ghetto light show (as I now refer to it fondly) from across the highway. Per the custom of the Fourth, we ate barbecue and watched like 6 movies and stuff. They had planned with me to go to the Taste, but it never happened. Now it seems to me that the hopelessness of the situation with me and boys, it seems, sours the entire event. I have no desire to go. Blech.
I have yet to receive compensation for the three weeks of work I have delivered to CPS, so I'm slightly embittered about going back there on Monday. Hopefully it will all be worked out by Tuesday and I can then pay my tithes to God, whatever they may be.
It may also interest you to know that I sent my cancellation to Bally's via next day mail even though it will not arrive until Monday because they apparently don't deliver mail on Sunday. I shall call their 800-number and run this info by them. Hopefully they will still allow me to cancel my contract, as this is the holiday weekend. We'll see. Otherwise I shall have to pay that unholy balance which I don't have yet...

My wrists are cramping and I shall take that as a sign to leave you tonight. I apologize to those of you I am neglecting, but I'm trying to put a bit of space between us so my parents can remain calm. I know you understand. Goodnight.

Friday, July 04, 2003

Well I'm home from everything, and as it's 1:10am CST, I can assuredly say today is now yesterday. It went rather alright, though I made some rather stupid decisions. I'm 18 now, though, and old enough to take responsibility for all my actions.
Bally's was totally great. They assign you a personal trainer and the atmosphere is really fun. Everybody knows each other and they look out for one another while they work out. They keep you motivated and everything, so when the guy gave me the setup, it sounded really great. The only thing is, it's really expensive.

My mom thinks that keeping friends that I had while I was with Josh is a surefire way to get back together with him. I really don't know what to think, but all of a sudden I just got really really tired right now. I must be stupid or something. I don't think it's fair that I don't ever get to have my own thoughts or anything. But maybe it's my problem, not anyone else's. I don't know. She's sitting behind me until I go to bed, I think, and maybe that's a signal that I should go to bed, but I don't feel like going to bed. I'm just gonna keep on writing.

Okay, she's finally gone. Anyways, at Bally's I signed up for a 36 month contract, stupidly of course. I should have waited and consulted with my parents and everything before I made anything permanent. But I really did sign over three years of my life to bally total fitness. It costs me $145 now plus $81/month. I don't know if I'll be able to afford it when I go back to school, but I figured with work-study and stuff I should at least be making enough to put aside $40.50 each time I get paid. That way, I'll still have that membership and I won't be sued or charged late fees or anything. I was going to tell my parents about it but I don't feel like letting them know with the way my mom just chewed me out for wanting to talk to Mike and everything. I feel like my relationship with her is only on a surface level and anytime I tell her anything deeper than how I want to date she trips out. She has good reason, yeah, and she shouldn't trust me, no, but I'm so tired of having this same fight about Josh. It's over and ended and she won't let it go. I no longer associate Mike with Josh because he's my friend, not just because of Josh either. For a while they weren't even speaking, but I guess that's over since I'm gone. I mean, I haven't really chatted that much with any of Josh's former friends because I don't get the chance to. I rarely, if ever, see them. I barely see them online and I guess we don't have that much in common.
*sigh* I can feel myself shutting down again just when I was beginning to open up. I feel like having a private life outside of the one my parents seem to continually scrutinize. I can't do anything right by them, and my mom is always instructing me on everything, including clothes. That's why it's lame to have your mother as your best friend, but I guess she's the only one I have right now. I've been hearing the most awful things about Mike lately and it hurts me so much that I haven't had the chance to talk to him in like three weeks because of the DSL being down. He's quit his job and the other stuff I heard was generally disturbing. I hope they're not true.
But here I am, not making any sense again. I hope no one reads this.
Maybe the resolution is just to not talk to anybody online again. I mean, most of the people on are Josh's friends and my mom's like that's just a pandora's box back into that whole scene. She makes me find out everything about the other people I do meet, and I don't know how I'm supposed to meet and find anybody nice with her making so many demands on a fragile, beginning relationship. There's no pleasing someone like that in such a situation.

Like I told you earlier, I guess I'm going to go to Michael's party and we'll see what happens from there. I do, however, fear that he might be ghetto and I am so totally not in the mood for ghetto boys at this point. Anyway, I'm too frustrated to do anything but pout tonight and reflect on how rediculously idiotic I must be for signing up for a $1061 contract for working out and for believing that my mother will ever truly understand anything about how I feel concerning certain people on the outskirts of my life. What a sad existence.

*pities herself*

Thursday, July 03, 2003

Today was alright, but I haven't really decided the whole of it as it's not over yet. I'm off work, finally, but I haven't gotten paid because the board of ed stupidly sent my check all the way downtown and they left before I could come get it. Therefore, it's in the mail and will be here on like Tuesday or something stupid like that because our post office sucks. *cries* That means I'm broke all weekend even after working three weeks straight for this check.
I emailed Harlan the other day for lack of anything better to do and it turns out that he's working at the Art Institute again. I think I should drop by there or something and make friendly conversation and stuff. :) I also want to buy books and cute flip flops from Borders and Old Navy, respectively, so that's where Saturday morning/afternoon will find me. Saturday night, however, will find me at a party that Michael from work is throwing. We'll see what kind of guy he really is at this little shindig. Busy busy weekend for me... too bad I'm penniless.

It's raining, but as soon as I get changed I'm off to Bally's... woo hoo.

At long last, I've finally crawled my way back to the internet. Did ya miss me bunches, cuz I missed you! It's great to be able to type in my old blogger again. To be honest with you, it seems like I've been away so long that I've forgotten how to think. I've turned that blogging part of me off for the past almost three weeks. Maybe I can figure out how to do this again.. bear with me.

I've mostly been feeling resentful of my aunt trying to rob me of my mother's attention this summer. WTF. She is not a child. This is not her summer. She doesn't even have a prospect of a job and here she is sitting around trying to horn in on every single activity that I set up with mom. I'm only here for the summer. Can't she give me this time alone? I'm so tired of hearing her moan about how she doesn't think she's pretty enough and everything. Well, why doesn't she just get it together so she can get a husband and then MOVE OUT. She's been here like 6 or 7 months and hasn't contributed to the house at all except for making us tense. It's rediculous. Can't she move in with her kids or something and get off our back? All her attempts to manipulate me only make me more stubborn. I mean geez. I'm so tired of talking about church all the time because she loves it. It's soo time for me to go back to school.

I know that was a rant, but it feels good to get that off my chest for the time being. What else am I really thinking about? I don't know... Maybe changing myself again, being friendlier, dating. I'm not dating yet, though, even though I would kind of like to be. I'm not at all interested in having a long-term relationship with anyone, or even a short term exclusive thing, but I'd like to have some friends and fun to take to school this year. My mom says I've been doing better as far as friendliness and such goes, and I hope so. I don't want to be a doormat, but there's nothing wrong with being likeable.
Bally's gym goes along with me changing myself and stuff. I haven't started yet, but ever since I got a free pass from a guy I know that works there, I've been sooo excited to go. I want to meet new people and set new goals for myself physically. It's really cool to me. I'm gonna go for the first time tomorrow and then decide if I want a membership there or anything. Hopefully I do.
There are a couple of guy interns where I work (at the board of education). One of them I only just met, but he seems okay. I haven't expressed any interest because I don't feel any, but the other guy is sort of cute. The only problem with him is he's a jerk to me sometimes. I don't want to kiss any guy's butt, and I'm not cleaning up after him or fighting over him unless I really have to. In this case, I don't, so no skin off my nose. If he asks me out, cool. I'll go. If he doesn't, his loss. I sent a very unwomanlylike (I know it's not a word) email to Harlan Seyton in the hopes that he's free and will come hang out with me for a bit. That would be dibbly great. I also wish Josh A. were here so we could drive around the city makin fun of stupid people and stuff. Great. But he's in sunny Cali tanning and acting. Ah well. I'll live.

Anyway, it's great to have DSL back but I should take this slow so I don't overdo it. Talk to you later on, sweethearts. I wuv you!