Wednesday, December 31, 2003

"I'm easy like Sunday mornin'..." (not that way you nasty thang) 

I made jewelry today, whee! It's sort of a therapeutic thing for me to be able to sit down and create something that I think is beautiful, whether people agree with me or not. I started with a pair of earrings for my mother, followed by a pair of earrings for myself, followed by a bracelet for myself, followed by an earring-bracelet set for my roommate whom I like very much, followed, finally, by yet another pair of earrings for myself which I am wearing right now. And I must say, whatever stress and bad feeling remained from the drama of the previous weeks has melted away into a glittery glass-beaded oblivion.

My brother leaves the day after tomorrow, and I have what's now 6 days left of vacation before I have to return to the everyday hassle of school and the bustle of getting things done. Well... I don't know what's going to become of my work situation as it's not figured out yet, but I promised myself I wouldn't waste time worrying over things I couldn't fix in the immediate. So I will heave yet another contented sigh and continue on in the happy working I've been doing.

While I have been spending time doing cool and relaxing things, my mom thinks I should be cleaning my room. I gotta agree with her that it's quite a dump and I need to clean a bunch of dirty clothes and pack up to go back to the daily grind that is life at Michigan. Ah well. After this little respite, I think I'm ready. And you know they're not going to waste any time in putting that readiness to the test.

Did I tell you I have an interview planned for 3pm on the same day of my return? I know! It's gonna be cool though, I know. Pray for me, though. I don't really have much else to say and it's kinda late except for: Go see The Last Samurai. Although the premise is pretty corny, Tom Cruise makes it believable, not to mention he looks kinda sexy weilding a sword. Hmm.. yessss... And there's no sex, so you can bring the family prude! It was decent.. There was a lot of blood and stuff too. Groovy.

yup.. that's it peoples. Nighty night.

Monday, December 29, 2003

Church stuff, cuz after all, you're supposed to be there on Sundays, right? 

Church is an interesting place to be every Sunday, and I recommend that everyone visit at least once per month. I mean, a lot of times--honestly speaking, most of the time--when I'm at school I neglect to go to church because I find it a hassle to get up and put on decent clothes on Sunday and spend some time with God and fellow believers for about an hour and a half every Sunday morning. It's probably because I know I'll always hear something that speaks to me, telling me to quit some of the sins I'm committing and stuff, and nobody really wants to hear that they're wrong, especially when they go to school at a place like Michigan. I mean, I spend most of my time hearing how I'm wrong and attempting to correct everything on my own, making things even worse.
One of these days I'm going to back off and let God control whatever he wants to in my life, and I'm sure I'll be a lot better off. I just have a huge trust problem that He has to help me with first. It stems from some stuff I'd rather not go into, but at least I know the root of the problem, you know? I guess that's a good thing.
Anywho, I brought up the whole church thing because I spent about 7 or 8 hours there today which made me a little uncomfortable because I was wearing my new leather outfit my dad bought me coupled with some 4-inch heeled boots. I looked great except for the dark circles beneath my eyes due to lack of sleep and this cold I'm still battling, and someone even called me "Diva", which was cool. I saw a girl I hadn't seen since about grade school or so, and she's slimmed down a lot and she looks great. We hugged and stuff. It's amazing--even I miss people. Weird.

I am getting up tomorrow to spend a bit of moo-lah on the jewelry fixings, despite all the crap I've said in the past. I'm actually going to make good on this tomorrow, honest.

Dudes, I'm so tired, and I took a Nyquil too, so I'm going to head off to bed soon. Sorry there wasn't really anything interesting tonight, but I haven't really done anything noteworthy. I love you, and leave a comment or something to let me know you're still reading. *hugs*

Saturday, December 27, 2003

Not much today 

I didn't do much today, mostly chilled while my daddy made cookies. Then I watched a lot of judge shows on channel 26 and drank a lot of water. Right now, though, since I've been out in the cold for a while, I kinda feel like my cold is getting worse. Ah well... Gonna try to get better soon before break is over.

Lots of times we're keyed up for things and they turn out to be nothing. Thankfully, sometimes those nothings are actually pleasant.

Like Josh Allen's birthday party, for one. I went and it turned out fine. There was no bad blood among any of us and his cousins are cute. The cooler part is that all the women in his family look just alike, as they should. :) Anyways, there was a snafu that resulted in me doing more driving than is normal for me, and even though I'm not a great driver because I spend most of the time worrying than relaxing, I did alright. You know me; I hate driving yet love the freedom. I was disappointed that Britney couldn't find a way to repress her distaste for me and show up, but what are you gonna do, right? I ended up having a better time because of it, though, I'd say. What dampens it slightly is that Josh A. was distressed because she and her b/f didn't come, and I can understand that. They're friends and when you have a party you want all your friends there, whether they like each other or not because it's more than just their feelings. They're coming together to support and love you on your special day. I read ya loud and clear, buddy.

Anyways, I feel very wonderful in a very small part of myself I've partitioned off for the purpose. I've allowed this small part to feel jubilant and to make her little-girl-dreams and just rejoice and stuff... when I'm alone and unoccupied she leaves her small section and bubbles over into some of the other parts of me and a smile creeps across my face... :) But things are far from settled yet so I have to relax and remember that no matter what happens I can still hold on to her until she can have her free reign. And she will, eventually.

I love you, Josh, and I miss you sweetheart. Hope you've been enjoying your free time and that you're happy. I also hope everything went well with Julie and that her stay in the hospital is short due to her speedy recovery. Make sure you take a little time to think of me in your free moments, my love, and send me a kiss by air :) Sweet dreams tonight and every night until we can spend them wrapped in each other's arms.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

Merry Christmas to all... 

Sum up your year in 20 words:

Started out with regrets. Lost some ground, but gained way more. Realized love is all that matters: family's and Josh's.

It's not as simple as you think. Wanna try? Click me, baby...

I got a truckload of excellent presents for Christmas this year, and though I'm ashamed to admit it, getting all that material stuff helped me realize just how lucky I am to have a family like I do. They have been trying really really hard to raise good people, and even though they put a lot of pressure on us, my parents have done a wonderful job. As my mother said when I was younger, the older you get the more grateful you are to your parents for some of the restraints they placed on you as a child. I wish I'd been a little more respectful now that I reflect on things. But, hindsight is 20/20, is it not?

We didn't do much today but open presents and prepare the house for the feasting that followed. It wasnt' a big to-do like Thanksgiving, which shocked me, but it was still nice. Ironically enough, the holiday that usually turns into a gigantic shindig turned out to be an informal dinner simply served on paper plates. I did the cleanup afterward, however, and that wasn't anything nice. For those of you who haven't heard, chitterlings, or chit'lin's, as my family calls them, are pig intestines and THEY SMELL HORRIBLE! It is completely beyond me to understand how someone would voluntarily ingest the intestines of another animal as a tasty treat. I so wanted to "yammy" all over everything as I washed the pot they were cooked in. Eeew.. I can still remember that disgusting stench.

Anyways, my dad hooked my mom up. He bought her 6 purses and 5 pairs of shoes... I was like, dude, we are sooo gonna be in debt after Christmas, lol.. But no, he really hooked us all up. My brother got really nice gifts and so did I. I also got entertainment that will be shipped back to school. I'm so happy about that I could just burst :) I thought about Josh when I logged on a little earlier, but he wasn't there. He's on now, but we aren't talking that much. I honestly think our relationship isn't really built on a strong foundation of words. It's more like actions and feelings that define what we are, you know? I know I miss him very very much. For some reason I can't forget the way he felt in my arms as I held him briefly during that short time we got to spend alone together before I left for this break. *sigh* I want that feeling back. I deserve that feeling back, dangit.

Anyways.. I'm a little down again. Doesn't it seem like I'm continually down about something? I know, and I'm sorry. Not like I want this to be a biznatch and moan journal, but that's what all of my journals are. But hey, you come here on your own volition to read about me. I never forced you or even asked ya to so you get what you get. If you've read this far then that's your fault :P. Anyways.. I gotta go. Merry Christmas.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

Merry Christmas Eve 

Hey all.. Merry Christmas Eve and stuff. We just got done having a small party here, which was kinda nice despite my thinking it would be crap. There were decent-looking guys from my church there who invited me to a get-together on Friday, but I don't know if I'm going to go on account of Josh's birthday party thing.. which reminds me, I need to get him a gift or something.

Britney sent an email that she didn't want to come to Josh's party if I would be there. I appreciate her honesty about that, but I don't think that a friend's party is the place to make your statement of loathing for someone else. I can be good for more than 2 minutes, and it's not like I'm going to go ogling and flirting over someone else's man, so I don't know if that's what she's worried about or anything. For the record, everyone, I don't have any feelings for anyone else right now but Josh, and I'm not trying to cultivate any relationship outside of ours except for maybe friendships, and that's only if they drop into my lap. I can be trusted to behave myself at a friend's party, honestly. But no amount of reassuring will make this right, I don't think.

I've got a little cold or something which has my glands in my neck slightly swollen and my joints aching, but I'm still doing all the stuff that's customary for Christmas, i.e. cooking and stuff. I don't wanna complain too much for fear of giving the cold a chance to regroup and attack me for tomorrow morning. I'm just like a kid again, in a way, excited to open presents even though I pretty much know what they are already. I just want them to be mine, really :) .

Not much else to report to you all. I love you Josh, and I can't wait to give you your Christmas present that's been sitting in my drawer for a little while ;) Oh yeah...

Merry Christmas, all, if I don't get a chance to tell you between now and tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Scattered thoughts.. 

I was wondering when things would pick up, but I naturally assumed that it would have to be after Christmas. Once more, I was right, so that's cool. Josh Allen just invited me to his 19th birthday party, which should be cool. You know, the two of us are only less than 5 months apart, now that I think of it.

Nothing spectacular happened today, except I realized that I'm steadily increasing in size.. my mom's noticed it too, so she won't let me eat cookies and stuff. But then again, nobody cooked any dinner tonight so it really consisted of potato chips, a baked potato, a little oatmeal, some vanilla coffee, and a cookie. And I had a glass of iced tea and about half a pepsi.. maybe 6 or 7 pieces of candy also. I guess I ate enough bad stuff, but there really wasn't any alternative in the house. You know me, constantly making excuses about my weight and saying that it will get better when I really have no clue.

I'm actually tempted to stay up all night reading or watching movies or something just to do something different that's free. My money's extremely tight now that I've purchased all my presents, so I don't know if I'll be able to get all those jewelry-making supplies I really wanted. Ah well, I'll make it to the next paycheck, I hope. We shall see.

I miss you, honey.. Don't think about you all day, but I do think of you a lot and wish I could sit beside you and look at the Christmas tree. Hope you're not wearing yourself out; it's good that you're going to bed on time and such. Don't miss me too much, love, and have sweet dreams of us together sometime after my return, ok? *kiss*

Love, life, and knowlege are complicated beyond reason. I've learned that, if nothing else, this year.

Monday, December 22, 2003

Catharsis, for me, usually happens at church 

Hey... I'm back again, and I'd have to say that the mellowness is still here from before. Last night I went to see LotR with my brother... That movie was totally too long. My butt was asleep, really. It seemed like they'd end a scene and I'd think it was over only for it to start a new scene.. I think me and the other folks in the theater sorta bonded over how long it was and we just started cracking all kinds of jokes.. I have to tell you, there's nothing like going to a theater wtih black people. Something about our talking makes watching movies so fun, even when you're with total strangers.

I went to church today and had a cathartic experience. Since my brother was home they wanted us to go up and give testimonies. I haven't given one since this summer when I came home, so that was pretty good. I got a revelation that I'm supposed to be going in this direction with my life (by which I mean obstetrics and gynecology) and that God is going to make my way prosperous with some well-placed people in my life to give me Christian support and stuff, and I don't have to really do anything to go find them, just keep living life as I have been and they will find me. That's really encouraging, if you know me. I swear, I haven't been this lonely in a while. It's like at Michigan, surrounded by all those people, I feel totally and completely alone sometimes and I just hide out in my room for days and days.. If I chose never to come out again I don't even know if anyone would notice with the way I've been living. Anyway, I have faith that that will change, so we'll see.

I miss Josh in a tiny little part of me, but I don't know if that's even healthy to entertain right now since it will be such a long time until we get to see each other again. It doesn't help to pine while we're still apart. *sigh* Ever since he moved, I've felt this aloneness, but it's not his fault. It's no one's fault, actually... I just have to work through it until the prophecy comes to pass. I can wait.

I'm almost done with Christmas shopping, but I have three more presents to buy: my bro, dad, and Josh's mom.. Josh's mom should be easy to shop for since I know her favorite color and she's a no-fuss person, but Jonathan and my dad I have to go to Best Buy for or something.. Whatever.

We've been decorating all day and I'm tired, I tell ya. Time for night night and it's only 11pm.. weird.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

Positively glowing with delight 

I am positively glowing with delight. So today, we're putting up lights on the windows and stuff and all of a sudden the gate opens and my brother walks up to the door! I was like such a little white girl.. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!! And I was so near tears, honestly. We pretty much laughed and talked and stuff and it made things feel like old times. I haven't seen my bro in 7 months, mind you, and we've never gone that long without seeing each other. So that was dibbly cool (here I go reverting to "The Babysitter's Club" with my slang and stuff. whoa).

And I also found out from my GSI that I scored a 545 in bio.. the cutoff for an A- was a 560.. I just fell short, but that still means I got a B+, the highest I've ever scored in any science class here at UM, so I'm totally explosively happy :-D about that. I didn't work ultimately hard, but I worked hard, and it paid off! So this semester coming up I'm taking chem and bio 305 if they'll let me.. it's gonna go great, I think, and I'm so totally excited to be getting courses toward my concentration out of the way like a good girl and everything. I'm also really looking forward to the rest of the RA process to be carried out this year and into next year. Hopefully I'll end up as an RA for Fall 2004.

I still feel bad about being the main ruiner of Christmas here in my house, but I guess I'll survive. It seems like everybody else has a lot of money and can get nice gifts for people but I don't have much and what I have I need to take back to school for books, so.. I wish I didn't have to get presents.. it's not like I want anything myself. I'd be perfectly happy to just chill here for the next two weeks and relax and not worry about anything financial, but oh well. Our holidays are so commercially centered nowadays, one can't help but worry about how lack of money impairs your holiday spirit. Oh well.

Hope you're enjoying your time spent at home, gentle bloggers. I'm gonna head to bed soon.

Friday, December 19, 2003

mellow choco 

I'm so glad that the previous post didn't turn into something I regret, and I have no wishes to edit it anymore. I'd have to say that being home alone agrees with me. While I did have trouble sleeping for thinking about the past and old stuff, I listened to a little Celine Dion, thought of Josh, and felt a heckuva lot better. So much so that I dreamt of babies and such.. weird.

Britney and I, after her email to me last night which I probably deserved, had an interesting chat. It was pretty neutral and we ended up wondering what it is about us that has prevented our friendship for so long. There's something petty there, no doubt, that we can't get over and I feel kinda dumb because I pride myself on my ability to be bigger than whatever problem at hand (except the ones within myself, which is the point). Oh well.

I haven't begun to feel the Christmas spirit yet, but being here eating cookies, not answering the phone, and watching daytime tv has made me mellow out. They call me mellow choco, quite rightly.. hehe. I'm sure I'll be back later. Mmmwah!


So, I have this ritual, which I'm sure I've performed here a number of times. It goes something like this:

I do something uncommonly and unbelievably stupid, most likely against my better judgment. Then it comes back to bite me in the ass, quite hard. I then proceed to feel sorry for myself and mope around for a few days, if not a couple of months. Then I write something like a "morning after" journal entry/blog where I talk about how I'm worth more than what I reduced myself to, etc. I write some motivational entry to make myself feel better where I point out all my good things and stuff and hope that things turn out right. I keep internally moping about the past for days and days, which keeps my mood pretty low and negates all that positivity of the preceeding entry and messes things up. My parents see my mopy attitude and tell me I need to straighten up, then I get mad, then I start hiding out and things get worse. Then I come out of it, eventually, but that's usually after I've totally forgotten why I should be moping at all.

Well, guess what, bloggers. I have done something stupid yet again, only this time it's wrapped up in a ball of other stupid decisions I've been making this past month. So... instead of writing that self-motivational crap that won't mean anything the morning after I've written it, I've decided to cut out the middleman and move right on to the part where I, well, move on. No dwelling on the past except to remember how much the mistakes cost in order to avoid making them all over again (like I often do).

Resolution: I, Laura, of sound mind (most of the time) and body, hereby resolve to not do anything stupid over the next year. I will act on my better judgment and not ignore it because it is only here to save me embarrassment and pain. I will not take stupid risks. I will not return to the relationships of the past. I will recognize when it is time to move on and do so. I will focus my attention on my love and do things that will only make our relationship prosper. I will apologize for my mistakes, but I will not dwell on them. And I will not waste precious seconds hating myself when I could be doing something nice for someone else who would appreciate it--that, or do some school/leisure work. I will not b/p to feel control over myself; I will reserve that for my actions. And that will start with food.

I did have a wonderful time with Josh this afternoon, though. Things went swimmingly. He and his mom came bearing gifts and I did feel bad because I hadn't gotten them anything, but that will be rectified over this holiday break. Even though my financial aid situation hasn't yet been resolved (I know. I'm pissed about it.), I will struggle and make this all work out somehow. Anyway, I don't really want anything for Christmas except peace of mind because I am really, really tired at this point. I just need to rest by myself for a while. There was something at school like an 18-month reunion, but I didn't go because I just didn't feel up to pretending like I want to see those people when I really have no desire to. That's why I haven't been back since. I'm not bitter, but I don't feel like being steeped in bad memories and regrets, so why force it? I'm here to get a respite from school, not make things worse. While this may not be a great Christmas, it's at least going to be peaceful. And tomorrow I'm going to start shopping for crap and then get the materials I need for jewelry-making, which is what I've wanted to do for a while now. So goodnight.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

I don't drink, but... 

I'm a Depth Charge, discover your ALcoHoLiC personality!

Monday, December 15, 2003

Study me 

So today I woke up at noon and decided to make something productive of myself. I started by taking a much-needed shower, as my monthly friend decided to show up during the night and I was trying to get some freedom by sleeping in the near-nude (don't worry, my roommate's gone until next semester lol). So I got that shower, ate lunch--or breakfast, for me--then dove headfirst into studying. I think I'm taking bio much more seriously than women's studies, for some reason, so I started there by going over some of the notes I got from study group yesterday. I studied that for a couple of hours and then took a nap at 4-something cuz nothing was going on. Then I got up and watched an episode of the Simpsons and decided I'd better take a look at some of this women's studies before I get taken off guard on the final. So I worked on that for about 2.5 hours or so, just reading and attempting to write one of the final essays the prof listed on our website. I wouldn't say that was terribly productive, but it did need to get done so I don't screw myself come Thursday. Besides, I'll need all my mental faculties on Thursday because right after my final, Josh is supposed to be coming out to see me off. I miss him so much (repeat). So.. I guess I'm not so awful when it comes to studying after all. I do tend to procrastinate, but as I get older, it's getting better and I don't wait until the absolute last minute to get things done.

I'm debating whether or not I should save some money and eat the cheese pizza from our hall meeting yesterday for dinner or go across to the union and get some other hot, greasy, calorie-laden food. Honestly, peeps, I'm down to $7.11 in my checking account and even though I was supposed to get paid last Thursday, it won't be coming in until the 22... Geez, by then I'll probably owe that much to my mom in backpay from borrowing from her until then. I know, I know.. sucks to be me right now. Anyway, good luck with finals if you're still taken 'em. And if not, I seriously envy you.

Almost forgot to mention: I made it to round 2 of the RA selection process.. going for my building interview at Mojo whenever they call and schedule that appointment.. YAY!

Sunday, December 14, 2003

A cause des jours lents, je m'ennuie... 

My hallway smells like the frosting that comes on Little Debbie or Hostess snack cakes.

So... There isn't much else going on in my little world except for a slight amount of studying for my biology final. It's 9:16pm already and I feel like I haven't accomplished jack skippy all weekend.. or all week for that matter. I did take a final on Friday, and I think that went alright, but other than that, nada. Not even a really productive amount of studying. I will say, however, that going to study group helped me focus my scatterbrained study habits. It's always helpful to me to bounce some of my ideas off others and learn to channel all the stuff going around and around in the carnival that is my head.

I can tell you, when I grow up, I definitely don't want to live completely alone. I want to be alone when I want to be alone, but sometimes, I just want to be forced to communicate. I'm completely and totally shy sometimes and other times I'm just this huge ballsy gutsy girl. I guess at this point, seeing as things are kinda low for me, I'm pretty much a scaredy-shy chick.

You know what? It's amazing how much you notice other people's togetherness when you can't have any of your own. I mean, Kyrie and Thad get to do kickass cool stuff like go to a hotel with a hot tub, for goodness' sake; Mike drives to Dearborn to pick up his sweetie and spend a couple of days with her... and I spend my super amounts of free time before and during finals with absolutely no one but myself. I talked to Josh a little, and that was fine.. Right now he's chilling a bit with his friend Julie who'll go into chemo on Friday I think he said, so that's nice of him.

But, like I've been saying, people, I'm about ready to cut myself and let the blood flow just so I can get some drama here. I'm not only bored, but lonelier than a mugg. If you're here and reading this, come take me somewhere. I'd take you, but I don't have any money right now. Sorry. Anyway, I guess things will pick up once I reach home or something. We'll see.

Saturday, December 13, 2003

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii there 

I haven't blogged for you in an entire day, and for some reason, that's kinda sad. I know for some of you this is the only way to see inside my often drab little life, and I wouldn't wanna deny you the few seconds of pleasure you get from reading :)

I didn't do much today except take my French final. It wasn't too bad, but you know how it is... nobody wants to say it was super easy and then get her results back saying she flopped big time. Anyway, after I took it, I felt this major major relief. Then when I got home and checked my messages there was one from this guy Doug Fletcher who wanted to help me be able to register, and I was like, "O joy!" cuz this morning I prayed and told God that I was gonna try harder and I wouldn't be like Job and curse His name and die just because things were going bad. And you know what, a few minutes later the cashier's office called saying that my scholarship had finally arrived there (for real this time) and they wanted me to come sign it. Needless to say all I did before I left was pee, which took about 2 minutes. They were shocked that I came in so soon after a call, but I've been waiting on pins and needles for that check.. I wonder if my story could be fashioned into a "made-for-tv" movie.. hehe

My present for Josh arrived today, but I'm displeased with it so I think I'll send it back. It's not anything like I planned and there are some color differences that I kinda don't like, so hopefully it won't be too much trouble just to send it back.. or maybe I'll keep it. I dunno. But it's purple in some parts when I wanted it to be all white, and I ain't too happy with that... Ah well. Anyways.. I just hope we get to see each other at all before I go home (on Thursday, it seems, now--but that's a story for tomorrow cuz now I'm just too tired to delve into more of my own stupidity). I hope we can be alone for a little while.. not like we just have to make love, but it would be nice to kiss him in more than a cute fashion, ya know? I would like a little privacy. I miss him. It's been about ten days since we've been together and I miss miss miss it sooo much! I miss his little kisses everywhere and how it felt to cuddle close against him and fall asleep.. I miss pillow talk.. A romantic nutcase, I am, but I like it :-D
It's 1:41 and I'm kinda hungry and sleepy, so I think I'll just go to bed and study tomorrow. Later!

Thursday, December 11, 2003

I Knead You... 

Hi. This blog comes to you from my good friend Mike's house, where we're supposed to be making bread. Well, we are actually making bread, only right now it's rising in its little bowl to twice its original size. He's taking a nap (or making stupid comments about "blog", i.e. "how come they don't call it e-log? yeah, cuz flog sounds bad, or clog...") so I'm blogging to pass some time.
I think I've only known mike since about October of my Senior year, so this is into the third year that I've known him. Lots of things have changed about both of us in that time, and I'd say he's about as round a character as I am. It's not that people have to stop growing once they exceed their adolescence, but I think people become more stagnant as the years go on afterward. I'd have to say, though, that I'm really proud of him. He's making the Team of Destiny thing work, it seems, and he's got a new girlfriend who's been very good for him. Admittedly I was, initially, slightly jealous of the extra time he was spending with her, but my need for people to be happy oftentimes exceeds my greediness :), and thankfully so.

I spoke to Josh for about 5 minutes earlier this morning (i.e. 2am or so) and he was pretty quiet. But he's been working full time at J.C. Penny since Monday, on his feet mostly nonstop, so I can understand not having much energy after a full day's work. I still miss him like crazy, though, and I've seen him as recently as Saturday. There's just something about him still that makes me so darn comfortable and easy. We're so great when we're together. It's all sex jokes and cuddling and making each other feel wonderful... It's like that respite that I always need from the stressful shit I cope with at school. I know I need him for more than just stress relief, but that stress relief that he gave me while he was here was invaluable.
It's my hope that, while he's away making things work for himself, he'll remember why he wanted to finish college in the first place. That he'll find his dream again and what drove him to want to be more than what he is right now. I want him to be a better person, not just for us, but for himself. I know he's still that guy who made me love him through his love of helping others, and I hope he can find that love again.
As for right now, though, I still think about him almost every waking moment.

I'll probably talk to you a little later on after our bread's done and stuff. Gogo raisins!

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Bleed rocky road 

This morning I was feeling fine when I got up. I had lain out my clothes for today and figured that it would all boil down to just putting them on when the time came. Little did I know that my butt and thighs had grown too broad for my pants. So, trying to make the best of it, I peeled off the pair that wouldn't fit and tried another pair. Much to my surprise and chagrin, that pair didn't fit me either, which means I'm down to only three pairs of jeans in my wardrobe which fit me. That's not to mention the pair of khakis that I bought, hoping to fit into them later. And that was when I could still fit both those pairs of jeans.
I guess now I'm in a state of self loathing. I can't see my face when I'm out in public, but I'm sure it reflects that internal sense of sadness and apology to everyone for being so humongous that I can't even fit into my own pants anymore.

And that's when I realize I'm no good feminist.

One of the core things about feminism is accepting difference and understanding that it is a basis for deciding what about our patriarchal society needs to be changed. I can't accept my own deviance from the ideal size 6 white girl and it makes me sick to my stomach. I mean, I'm near tears here because I woke up and can't fit into my pants which are, to society's standards, big anyway and now have to resign myself to going yet another size in the positive direction.
Honestly, I considered fasting today just to prove to myself that I have some kind of willpower left. Maybe I will. I'm certainly going to try.
Now I believe what I heard in women's studies, how the media encourages eating disorders. I'm forming one of my own post haste. More self hate, here I come.

I don't want to hear any protests or affectations... save them for another time, thanks.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Miss You Love 


tonight would be Friday night and I'd have nothing pressing on my mind.
my financial situation would be completely settled and at rights.
my classes would all be going well and I'd expect As.

romantically speaking...

I'd close my eyes and feel Josh's tender kiss on my shoulder. When I turn around he would be there smiling his sexy dork smile at me and making me want to save that picture in my heart forever. He'd hold me close and I'd lay my head on his shoulder, breathing him in as I always do, and he'd tell me how I always say he smells good even when he thinks he doesn't. Honestly, though, he gives off a sweet scent almost.. I love it. I'd be leaning against him and just enjoying our loving each other innocently like that, hoping that it could last forever.


I miss Josh so much I can't even explain it. For a while I would think I saw him in some places, but that's over. Now it's just that regular little ache I used to have long ago. At least now, in our separation, we can still phone each other without fear of my parents' reprisal. *sigh* If I could have 3 Christmas wishes, they would be: 1. to have Josh live in a motivating, stimulating environment where he could be happy and near me 2. to have Josh have a successful period of respite 3. to make some friends and have some good times for next semester. I miss my honey so much and there's nothing to divert my attention from the sadness that's settled over me.

I don't feel much more like complaining, only sleeping and dreaming of his arms around me, holding me tight. Goodnight.

Sunday, December 07, 2003

Gogo Laura 

I had my interview today and I think it went well. The woman who interviewed me said I'd make a great facilitator for the Dialogues on Diversity which are usually held in the Union, and she said I did quite well. Even though I stumbled through on one of the questions, she gave me the impression that I might be hired. She also wrote down Markley on my application so I might get placed there.. hopehopehopehopepraypraypraypray..

I paid my parents' part of the tuition and all that's left is to wait for Mr. Wentcher's part to come through. If all goes like they said, it should be in by tomorrow and I can register for those classes I signed up for. I might have a rough schedule, with two science classes, French and maybe English if I can find one that'll fit my schedule, but I need to start doing this if I intend to graduate in 4 years. I'll also be taking 3 classes over the summer at home, too.

So today I asked this kid to be my friend. Yeah, pretty much bluntly like that, but you know me. Sometimes I get this incredible surge of balls, then I'm timid the rest of the time. He didn't really give me much of an answer, but what kind of answer can you expect to give/get when someone asks you a question like that? I'm in dire need of companionship on this campus because it seems like all my current friends have problems and would rather not deal with me. I'll leave them alone, then, I guess, and hope that this next semester brings favorable changes with it. That's all I can really do.

Dude, I'm so sleepy and finals are coming soon. I need to study but I just don't feel up to it.. I also wish Josh would call tonight so we could chat, but I missed the optimal time to call him. It's funny that we're not even talking as much as we used to. Is that healthy for a relationship?

I've also decided to start working out or continuing on the current "diet plan" I'm on. I can't tell you what it is cuz then you'd be like 'An intelligent girl like you shouldn't be doing that' and I'd have to be all like, 'bite me'. And I don't want to ruin our rapport with each other. :) So just let me ruin stuff all my own cuz it's my life and my body so there. I'll ttyl.

Today wasn't so bad..I got to talk to my parents and stuff, which was nice. I realize just how much I need them in my life. So I got dressed today, even put on makeup because I intended to do that little thing for work today.. then Josh called and told me he was coming out briefly... I knew Thad and Kyrie weren't coming out so I was upset, but I was glad that Josh made a reason to come see me when he knew I missed him so much. We didn't get to see much of each other, but we did kiss a few times (very innocent and sweet) and we got to sit beside each other.. I think we weird his mom out when we talk about marriage and kids and stuff around her. It's not like we mean to get married immediately, but we do love each other deeply and I'm looking forward to having children with Josh when the time is right.

The rest of tonight I mostly spent here in my room trying to beat the online game Mystery of Time and Space.. it took hours but I did it, so it was cool. I have been otherwise kinda lonely today--nobody instant messaged me once all day. Josh supposedly gets cable tomorrow so we'll be able to chat and stuff.. I miss talking to my honey.

If you're reading this, Josh, I appreciate you coming out to see me. I've really missed being with you since you've been gone and wish that things could have worked out differently. I'm glad that you're doing well where you are, and that means more to me than being able to see you for my own selfish pleasures.. Ah well... Hopefully we'll see more of each other in fall. *kisses you deeply* If you want, you can come stay here during finals if you want.. you can sleep with me hehe.. just so we can be together. Anyway, we'll talk about it later. I love you sweetheart.

Saturday, December 06, 2003

Despite loneliness, crappy mood spawned by human contact.. whaddaya know 

I dunno why I keep checking my trillian buddy list like there's someone on there who'll IM me any minute. There's not. It's 2am and everyone who's remotely normal is either out partying or gone to sleep. Here I am, though, in limbo, not quite tired enough to sleep but too bored to stay awake dwelling on today much longer.

For once, I attended both my classes today, partly because I had to make a presentation in Women's Studies. Since I was already out, the natural move was to attend the third-to-last bio lecture from 12-1. It wasn't so bad, and I seem to have over come that bout of sleepiness I'd get whenever I listened to O'Connor's lectures for longer than 20 minutes. The material isn't exceptionally stimulating, but I suppose I'm making it by.

After phoning his house at about 4:30, I waited here for Josh to call me back. He did around 5:30 and we talked about 10 minutes before things got heated enough for me to want to hang up. Thad's girlfriend Kyrie had left a message for Josh with me and I delivered it to him when he called, but then he proceeded to make me his liason between the two of them. I mean, hanging out is fine, but when I'm slightly jealous anyway there's no point in rubbing my face in the fact that I can't go out.. I mean making plans right in front of me.. Call her! You have her number that you got from me two days ago. Then he made me track his Best Buy order. *sigh* I've turned into his computer away from his computer, I guess. He didn't even bother to tell me the details of his day, like how Mike signed him up with Team of Destiny. That's something I would have wanted to know. But that's Josh all over--not one for details yet always complaining that there's nothing to say.
I'm glad I ended our conversation. And he still doesn't know the money thing's been worked out for me.

We'll see if Thad and Kyrie come out tomorrow, but I can feel it in my gut they're not coming and I'll be in my room all tomorrow as well, sleeping and intermittently playing something inane on my computer.
It's funny how when I started this post I was all ready to divulge my feelings about God, but now I no loner have that desire. I'll just end it now.

Friday, December 05, 2003

So everything's pretty much been resolved with the money for tuition stuff, but only after I sent a nasty letter like my mom said. I wish I'd have waited for things to get back right again before I went galavanting about to and from the post office.. now they're going to think I was pressuring them.. ah well. Thankfully it's all settled and I can register by Monday probably. Hopefully I will still be able to get the classes I want and maintain some semblance of normalcy in my class schedule for next semester.

I still found myself missing Josh today despite all attempts to just not think about him. He hasn't called today, and it's not like he said he would, but I kinda thought he would. Ah well.. we do have separate lives, but it's hard going an entire day without speaking with him either via IM or phone... I feel rather strange going to bed after a whole day of no Josh. *sigh* I'll make it; we'll probably see each other on Saturday when his friend Thad comes out so we can double date or something.

This evening my women's studies group worked on our presentation we'll be giving tomorrow (actually later today)... It's like the media brainwashes us into believing that certain things are the only acceptable form of beauty possible, or allowable, and even though we know that these things are brainwashing us and women don't really look like that, we still go back to the magazines and purchase the products and starve ourselves through diets which make us not only unhealthy but also unhappy because of so much self-denial. I want to learn to live a life of self-acceptance and not pass this horrible cycle of self-hatred on to my daughter. She deserves so much better than that.
I mean, I want to be beautiful and accepted, but most of all, I want to be at peace with myself, no matter what my pants size says. I want to be happy with the Laura that God created and live life to the fullest. That's what I want.

I'm kinda tired and cold, so I'm gonna hit the hay. Night.

Wednesday, December 03, 2003


Today has all pretty much happened with me in a state of separation from my body. I've mostly been trying to make people understand that I'm really not a jerk or obnoxious, just hurting and frustrated because it seems like two major points of my life (which I obsess about constantly) are falling down. Nobody's died, but why do I feel like I'm mourning? Honestly, there's this gigantic lump in my throat that refuses to be digested or go down my throat and I want to barf.
All day today I mostly slept.. I slept through two of my classes and during both of my breaks. Then, after a much needed shower after work, I got in bed and slept two more hours. It hasn't been cathartic, and I don't feel rested after waking up (well, like during the last sleep session I had my mom called me and fussed about money so it was interrupted). It's just sleeping like the dead, I guess.

Josh called me before he left home. He's mostly got all the stuff of the apartment taken care of, which means he's really gone. The phone and DSL will be off as of tomorrow, and he's calling about the lease tomorrow once his father is safely admitted to the VA. He was having a hard time last night and when Josh went out there to see what was the matter with him he kept getting upset and was having a hard time with coughing and stuff. So he's definitely going to the VA if he's not in there right now. Before I left him this morning, Josh and I held each other and kissed and said goodbye and stuff.. it was nice. He said he'd call me from home this evening, so I guess I'm sort of waiting by the phone for that. *sigh* It'll probably be a while before he can read my entries or receive emails I've sent him, but I'll send them anyway. And letters and Christmas cards and everything. I miss him.

I did a dumb thing which could (and most likely will) get me in a lot of trouble. I contacted Ben. Or, I don't know if it really was Ben because it didn't seem like him and I was looking for clues which made me think it was him at the beginning but toward the end it didn't... You know people don't normally change their styles of writing in the midst of talking to you. I even tried to get past been to see if it might be Rachel instead, but whoever it was steered me away from that direction. I don't like being fooled into thinking I'm doing one thing when I'm doing something else. If somehow you've gained access to my blog and are reading this now, Ben (and you freaking know I'm talking about you), be a man and let me know. Playing electronic dress-up is rediculous.

I have a slight headache. Maybe if I can keep this lump down I'll have something to eat a bit later.

Comments feature now gone 

While it's true that I enjoy receiving comments from you, whether you read this regularly or you're a first-time visitor, I'm not keeping this blog solely for the sake of comments. I wish I could say that I honestly wasn't a comment-whore, but even though I am, I'm not about to keep the comments function if nobody's using it. As those puritans always say, "Waste not, want not." And maybe if I let comments go then I won't miss them and you'll start wanting to give them and pestering me through email. That's fine.

So.. I didn't hear from Mr. W's people about the scholarship money and my registration date was yesterday at 12 noon. I have no classes scheduled for next semester because I can't register until that money is paid to my account. There's that stress, then the added stress of Josh leaving today (and he's not coming back until next fall this time). I spent the night with him for old time's sake and his dad was tripping, as usual. I'm glad Josh is going because he doesn't need to be there. I only hope that he gets the stuff straightened out with the lease so his credit isn't ruined by his father's lack of payment, and I just know that's what will probably end up happening. *sigh* I get so fucking sick of listening to his dad ranting and raving about how he took care of Josh and his brother while their mom worked. Well, duh, their mom was WORKING, not slagging off somewhere drinking, you know? And he helped make the kids, so why shouldn't he help take care of them? I can't stand men thinking that taking care of children is exclusively women's work, then they want accolades when they do some of the work that it's their duty to do also.

I know it sounds like it's always something with me, and I'm beginning to think that that is the case. Whenever I post on my blog things inevitably turn into complaints and moaning about how life is sucking so bad, how I feel so awful and how nothing's going right. I'm sorry things aren't happier.. I wish they were. Anyway, I guess I'll start writing in my non-public blog that's not meant to be seen where I can complain without fear of embarrassment. Then again, it's not like anybody reads this anyway... I dunno what i'll do but I'm sure I'll figure it out soon enough.
Just pray for me.

Monday, December 01, 2003

*cries for a long time just to get it out of her system*

I wish I could do that privately.