Monday, September 29, 2003

It's amazing how on the days you want something the most you end up doing the opposite. I am so freaking tired and I skipped lecture this afternoon in order to get some sleep, but instead I've done nothing of the sort, just chilled underneath my loft setup on my computer talking to Mike.

He always says things about how I need to help Josh be motivated. Well you know what? I love him, but I really have my own life to worry about. I don't have the energy or the resources to know how to make a grown man be motivated on his own. He has to want things of his own and go after them. That would make me proud of him.

I dunno why I feel responsible for people's lives, and how I'm not enough whenever something bad happens. Why do I second guess myself whenever it's time to get dressed in the morning? And why do I check myself in the glass windows of the Union when I walk by? Insecurities. One day I wanna wake up and realize just how the bomb I am and how anyone who doesn't recognize that I am for who I am, not what I'm wearing is a jerk.

I need to pray more. And go to church on Sunday. I think I will. Wish me luck on this test tonight.

Sunday, September 28, 2003

"I'm Feeling Good from My Head to My Shoes..." 

Hi everyone. I just want to tell you that if you need help, ask God. He gives it to you and when he does you feel so good and so loved! I was really stressed out about the productivity of my study time this afternoon, so this morning I read James chapter 1 (the book after Hebrews in the New Testament) which is all about wisdom and a lot of other great advice. I think it's verse 4 or something that says, "If any man (or woman) lacks wisdom, let him (her) ask of God who gives to all men liberally and doesn't reproach." That was my interpretation of it, mind you, not word for word. I suppose I shouldn't have quoted then, huh? Ah well.. God gave me wisdom and let me learn and retain so much this afternoon, that my joy has me full to bursting! I love productive study time. :)

Thanks God, for my study group and really clear diagrams, and that biology will renew my love of a challenge in learning. Thank you for helping me keep the faith on this whole premed thing because I believe You've called me to a life of service in that manner. I can do it, but only with Your help. I know that now.. Keep me humble, God, and help me remember all the stuff I need for tomorrow. Thanks again... In Jesus' name, amen.

A little prayer... I don't do that often enough, man.

Well, it's time for r&r cuz in 2.5 hours I got a review session. I believe that it will be just as productive, if not more. K.. Later!

Saturday, September 27, 2003

I Admit I'm Slightly less Original, But... 

Silverchair--Paint Pastel Princess

Yeah, I'm slightly less original than the budding poet laureates we have on blogger, but I only post songs when they mean something to me. This one meant enough to change the title of my blog, eh?

(On thie winamp player at this moment: Tom Jones--If I Only Knew-Radio Edit. And I am not ashamed.)

The skin around my fingers is peeling with painful results. Dunno why I mentioned that.

Last night I went over Josh's and we made chocolate chip cookies from scratch. Neither of us is really great at baking, so it was kinda funny to stress over exactly how many ounces were in a cup and ensure that we didn't overbutter our cookie batter. He let me nap at about 11 or so so I would be able to stay up to finish them. Even so, we ended up going to the store at 5am


to get a mixer since we couldn't find his dad's around the house. And I'd also forgotten to get vanilla. Duh. I was shocked to realize it was so late/early which made me a little giddy in the head, I think, in retrospect. We got back and worked on those damned cookies until the mixer crapped out on us. Thankfully, the mixing was mostly done and what was left could be finished by my hand. We finally added the chips (mm.. 2 bags of Hershey's Milk Chocolate chips) and popped them into the oven. While they baked, we cuddled, exhausted, in his bed. I watched him struggling to fight his sleepiness.. so sweet :) At about 7am or so I got up to put the last batch in, volunteering to go alone. He begged to come with me instead of sleeping like I told him, and we watched a little of I Am Sam while the last batch baked. We got a bit lazy so the last cookies are totally huge, lol. But they're pretty decent

(LFO--Summer Girls..ugh.. switch track..The Strokes--Last Night)

and I've cutely advertised my cookie giveaway on my dorm message board. I hope people come help me eat these. I have like 30 and I definitely shouldn't be eating them.

My relationship with Josh is getting sort of stressful because it seems like I'm always frustrated with him over something. I don't want to be that way, people.. I just need to try harder.

In other news, I have a bio test on Monday, like I told you, and 3 study sessions planned for tomorrow.. exciting.

(Michael Jackson--Butterflies) *pause for dancing*

So maybe I should be studying right now instead of blasting Michael Jackson into my hallway.. Ok adequate guilt trip enough to make me go. Later.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

Thursday is Lab Day... 

and I can always feel the dread slowly but steadily creeping over me. All day I turn that knowlege over and over in my head and cringe inwardly at the prospect of staying in one place for 3 whole hours for the purposes of learning (even though I have a really cute GSI who kinda makes it worthwhile hehe).
It was all about glycolysis today.. not nearly as involved as the enzyme one from last week where we had to design our own protocol, but still involved. My group spilled something. For some reason, each time we have lab my group does something wrong and fudges it up. Maybe other groups do so too, though, and they just have good sense enough to keep their mistakes private. But you know me, folks. I wear my feelings on my sleeve most of the time.

Josh and I fought again last night about the amount of time we spend with each other. Quality time's a key factor in this relationship because at least 4 months out of each year we don't get to see each other. So.. those other 8 have to count, you know? It's just weird when I have to balance school with relaxation and the other social aspects of my life and he's not cooperating with me. But this is not a Josh-bashing session and we made up (tentatively) last night, so I'll shutup about that.
Sep, I looked up Fear of Flying at our school lib, and there's only 1 copy of it.. can you believe it? And isn't it just our luck that it's not due back until 12/12? So I'm going to make my way to A^2 public lib and see if I can't get my hands on a copy. I'll let ya know.
Hmm.. other than that I'm just taking life a couple of hours at a time so as not to stress out for the first bio exam on Monday. My performance in this class will help to determine the future of my pursuits in bio. I hope I do well... *cringes*

I'm really in the mood for hot cocoa. It's cold here, y'all. And btw, since everyone keeps staring, I think I'm gonna change my hair back to straightened after this weekend. Yeah, it's coppin out, but that longer hair was keepin me warm!

More later, probably...

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Just when I started feeling low... 

someone came and tapped me on the shoulder. It's amazing how you don't realize your influence on people until they come up to you a year later, still remembering your name and what you were like when you used to see each other every day. This guy who used to be in class with me when I was taking AAS last year tapped me on the shoulder and interrupted my self-pity thoughts this morning as I walked home from French. It was great; the time passed so quickly. Stuff like this makes me realize just how much I like fellowshipping with people.

Or maybe I'm more positive cuz I ate breakfast this morning.

Monday, September 22, 2003

It Rained in Michigan Today...Millions of Tiny Droplets on my Virgin Afro Puff 

We woke up to chilly, heavy rain, but since the shades are always shut in the room I share with Grace, neither of us knew about it until we left the dorm for class. Because it's Monday, the first person to leave the room was me. I had no umbrella and got soaked on my way to the MLB. Any other day that would have made me sad, but I can honestly say that today I didn't feel anything more than annoyed as the rain soaked my hair and sweatshirt. My shoes were uncomfortable and slippery, and I kicked myself for not opting for sneakers instead of the clunky black mules I wore.
French passed uneventfully; I spent it in quiet, mostly. It just seems like the more I speak there the worse off I am, so I remain silent. Conversely, however, silence has a negative impact on my participation grade; then again, so does speaking up and being wrong. Anyway, after class I spoke to the professor about whether or not she recommended my dropping French this semester. She gave me some study tips on how to make the most of my French study time, and this evening I followed them. Hopefully that has a positive effect tomorrow in class.

Today is Afro: Day 1. Of course whenever a woman changes her hairstyle she automatically feels like everyone is staring at her hair, for good or ill. I felt that way today. The great thing was that, despite the rain, my hair was fine. Or at least it wasn't negatively influenced by the rain. If I wore it straigtened today it would have been awful because of the humidity. Anyway, the ponytail curled charmingly (I hope) and gave reason for some of my black male classmates to genially pat it and ask what prompted the style change. They're always shocked at how soft it is. Photo op: (kinda far away, but you get the general idea, right?)

not so sure...


Above you've got me with both my Michigan sweatshirts on. Sorry for the low-quality photos, but they're taken with my webcam that only takes these teensy tiny pictures and I always have to blow them up. But you get the idea, no?

I hope you like it, but even if you don't, it's okay.

*sigh* Each weekend I go hang out with Josh for a little bit, just to relax and such, hoping that my mom won't call my room because I won't be there. But each weekend she calls and I'm not there, and when she catches me mid-week she asks where I was. Of course I don't tell her and feel awful for lying about it, but if I were to tell her how I felt I know she'd freak out. It feels so awful to talk to her, too, which is probably the reason behind my leaving every weekend to avoid her call. She just brings me down so much.. it's not even all her rules, just the way she talks to me and treats me sometimes when I want to talk to her. I really hate it, which makes me feel bad for being like that to my mom, which makes me hate talking even more because of the guilt. What a vicious cycle.
Everybody, I'm not one of those people who thrives off drama. I'd be so much happier if things were at a quite little humdrum, but does life ever work out like that for anyone? *sigh* Oh well. Like my friend Mike says, I have to "find a reason to smile." And right now, that reason is the 200 or so episodes of The Simpsons I have downloaded onto my computer.

Sunday, September 21, 2003

Hey, even blogs can get all spiffy sometimes. Comment on the new look!

So... I just finished two french compositions because I royally screwed the topic on the first one. Surprisingly, however, my French teacher said that that first one (despite its brutal slaughter of the topic) was a good paper. I'd beam with pride except she made me write another on the correct topic. I hope this one fares better.
I spent my weekend like I spend my other weekends--hanging out. The only thing is I actually cleaned Josh's apartment, dragging him, kicking and screaming. Look: I'm as slovenly and disgusting as the next person, but sometimes I have to have clean. And when I have to have clean, it must get done right then or I'll lose the motivation to do so. His apartment was truly gross... can you imagine a bachelor's pad? You know how guys go pee in the middle of the night but neglect to turn on the light and piss everywhere around the toilet base? There was that. Eeew. *hugs Josh* But now it's clean and it doesn't smell like stinky anymore, and everything is fine.
Hmm... we also went to visit his dad at VA hospital, which was weird. I sincerely hope that Josh and his father differ in most respects from each other. I would hate for him to end up treating me the way his father treats his estranged ex-wife (but then again you figured she'd be his ex-wife cuz I said they were estranged). It's totally disrespectful sometimes. She's a great person, really nice, but she really is an enabler. As far as Josh's dad is concerned, he could kiss my ass if he did all that shit to me. I wouldn't go around the corner for the guy, but that's how I am. You know me; I kinda tend to hold grudges :(

I spent most of today (read:the past 7 hours or so) studying. It's sort of weird because I haven't done that before--ever.. Hopefully things will show the effect of my heard labor when grade time comes.

Monday the 29th marks the day of my first bio exam. Since I have my first day of work 3-5:45 at Perry Nursery School on that day, I'm not really looking forward to it. I don't really know if I'll be back in time enough to get to the exam on time, let alone study for anything.. Oh well. I pray it turns out alright.

Did I tell you that I'm thinking of going the way of the afro puff with my hair as a permanent style change? I tried it on Saturday and Josh called it "ghetto", which kinda hurts my feelings. I think that, by wearing my hair straight, I'm trying to be something that I'm not. I mean, this is not the way my hair is naturally so why do I spend hours a night trying to make myself be someone who God didn't intend me to be? Isn't that counterproductive? So.. I'm trying to tap into my Afro-centric roots and let my natural supertight curls show through. Anybody who doesn't accept me for who I am or treats me negatively based on my appearance isn't worth my time or attention. I hope all goes well tomorrow...

I'll post pics and let you know how "Afro: Day 1" goes.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

*beams with pride*

Someone actually noticed me! You have no idea how great that makes me feel. :)

On a more serious note, however, I've been trying to acquire as much support as possible. U of Michigan is hella stressful--as is college in general--and a girl needs all the friends she can get. So I have an online sister who makes me feel that sisterhood is productive and valuable.
The weird thing is while Sepi's talking about reading feminist literature, here I am, doing a paper about social construction of gender in the face of gender ambiguity as perpetrated by physicians. That's all up in feminism, man (or, should I say, person)... This Women's Studies class is really opening my eyes to the patriarchal society in which we live, and the ways in which I buy into it. It hurts, but it 's true. I enjoy chivalry but I get upset when guys won't respect my abilities to do things on my own and the assertion that I deserve equal pay for equal work. It's so weird the way our ideologies line up along a black-white axis, but most of them fall in that gray area in the middle of those two poles. That's life, though, right?

Strangely enough, what I prayed for a long time ago is actually coming true. Grace, my roommate, and I are getting along really well and talking and stuff. For those of you who don't know, I'm used to being a complete social freak of nature. I'm not really good with making friends because I'm just generally weird. But Grace and I have a lot of stuff in common. She goes to church and stuff too, so maybe I'll start going now that she's here and there's someone to go with me. I like her a lot. She's so sweet! :) This evening we just went and had dinner and talked about a whole bunch of crap like family and religion and other stuff. Strangely enough, conversation just flowed without much effort. Coolness...

I am trying to adjust myself in my skin as an emergent adult. But maybe I'm making progress in some areas while others remain stagnant. The consolation is that they're not regressing. I'll let you know how things turn out for me.

This morning I dropped my physics class because it would be too much to manage with the 5-credit bio w/lab I'm taking. So I'm trying to pick up another class so I dont end up with just 13 credits like a loooser. Without physics, though, I feel a huge sigh of relief every morning. I spoke with some kids in lab this afternoon and they suggested that I take it at another university and alleviate the pain of UM's physics department. That's a great idea that I hadn't considered last night when I was feeling like a failure for quitting. You know how much I hate that. But all is well again; I can still take physics somewhere else to fulfill that prereq and become an ob/gyn. I WILL DELIVER YOUR BABY IN LIKE 10 YEARS!! BE AFRAID!!

hehe. Back to evaluating this feminist epistemology essay in an essay of my own. Later.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

It was a tie with the optimist bear, but I didn't like that one as much.

See what Care Bear you are.

Shutup. I am lovable, dammit.

Today was look-at-my-boobies-when-I'm-talking-to-you day.

Note: I was unaware how ghetto I appeared in this webcam shot from like 5 minutes ago. Wow. Ghettofabulous.

I felt very sexy and as I walked across campus lots of eyes followed me. Even though there's a part of me that's very ashamed to have bought into another one of society's trends, I needed to feel cute, if not sexy today. With all the hot slender girls here I feel sort of overlooked and it hurts, cuz in Chicago (in my neighborhood and prolly lots of predominantly black neighborhoods too) men hit on you just to hit on you. Even though I complain about how much it sucks, now that I'm here and nobody hits on me at all, I really really miss feeling desirable. That's not to say that Josh doesn't desire me.. he does. Very much. Mmmmm.. don't get me to start thinking about it *blushes*. But sometimes I like to feel those eyes following me across the quad, if only for a moment.

At the first meeting for my job I met this guy who looks like he walked right out of a 1930's novel. I'm talking cap, vest, tie, wool pants, trench coat, long black umbrella. I was like, "Dude, you're making me want to read sooo badly right now." He's like 31, same age as my friend Mike, and he's at my site so hopefully I get to talk to him more and find out the method to his madness. He seems pretty cool, though, one of those types that enjoys standing out. A kindred spirit, if you will.

Well, that's about it for tonight. I already updated earlier so.. g'night.

Sepi has agreed to become my older sister. Yay! She's like a much cooler version of myself. God, I hope I'm that inspired when I get to that point in life. Dude, not like she's 56 and my mentor or something, but she's a great example of well-adjusted emergent adulthood. I like her so much from reading her blog... it's like I know her though we've never met.

So I devoted an entire paragraph and a link to Sepi. I'm proud. Hopefully my blog is that inspiring to someone... But hey, like 4 years ago I started a journaling revolution with bolt, so I'm pretty alright with my influence in the bloggosphere. Well.. it's not like I'm anything to sneeze at.
Physics went fine today. I started the day with a more positive attitude and prayed for understanding so that I would come away with something useful this discussion. Personne ne veut pas se lever à 7 hr 15 le matin ecouter qu'il est fou. (Nobody wants to get up at 7:15 every morning to hear that he's crazy.) Anyway, I felt more positive about the GSI. He actually looked at me and acted as though he respected my thought process on the concepts we worked on in discussion. Since they do have credentials enough to teach physics at UM, these people must be aware that this stuff is difficult. They have to realize that we need a bit more help in order to effectively grasp concepts and apply them to various problems.
Last night I fell into a panic over physics because it seemed like no matter how many times I read, I just could not get it. I even looked on Wolverineaccess to check and see if a psychology class fit into my schedule. It doesn't, so that must mean I'm destined to take physics. Hopefully that means I'm destined to do well in it which means I'm destined to become a doctor. HA! What reasoning.

Mmmm... I'm feeling more mellowed out today. Perhaps it was the combination of shopping last night and having my favorite herbal tea--peppermint--just now. But seriously, kids, I could climb up into this tiny twin bed and doze until 1:45 and that would be just peachy. Can't, though. Gotta read some bio stuff for discussion at 2:30, then hanging out with my Josh for an hour, then doing some work stuff for the next 3 hours. What a fun-filled, jam-packed evening! I'm excited :). Have a good one, y'all. Peace out.

*gives you some dapp*

OMG how lame... somebody stop her...

Sunday, September 14, 2003

I generally had a sucky weekend. After going to UHS for an unrelated issue, I have reason to believe I was contaminated by one of the many other sick kids there. It was like I could feel the sickness seeping into my pores..eeew. Anyway, I spent this weekend shivering, sweating, snotting, and coughing. It was no fun.
Other than that, though, this weekend was kinda cool. Josh and I stole his dad's car and went joyriding Friday night and Saturday afternoon. You wouldn't believe how just doing that kinda brought us together, in a way. We're doing some dome things, I warrant, but at least we're living. I'm glad to be doing things like that with him. Besides joyriding, we spent most of the weekend in his room since I was sick. It was nice though. He kept reminding me to take my medicine and even set the alarm so I'd remember. I felt really well taken care of. He kissed and held me even though I was all snotty and gross, which makes me realize just how much he loves me. That, in turn, makes me love him all the more. I can't help inserting a smiley here. :)
So I'm popping pills every couple of hours and dreading waking up tomorrow morning for classes and stuff. But what are ya gonna do? Can't not go, you know? Parents'd freak and all this money would be wasted. Which reminds me, I have to sign the promissory note on that loan or I'll be coming up short on my tuition payment. That isn't good.

My parents got back from Jonathan's graduation from boot camp. He looks so different! Wanna see?


This is my brother, private first class :) next to my dad. He got so dark in Georgia!

hugging mommy

That's my brother, once again, hugging my mom. To the far left is the back of my grandma's head.


And here, for no good reason, is a picture of me that I like. What the hey? It's my blog, no?

Those are the events of the weekend. I'll probably talk to you tomorrow. Leave some comments if you so desire; I'd appreciate it.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Hello blogger mate. It is I, Sergei, Laura's Russian(fresh from a trip to australia) love slave. Ah yes, she actully gave me some free time from our "bedroom activities" for once. She works me so hard you know. But it is ok, because she gives me good loving allllllllllll night long. Aye matey, tis the good life. But that damn rascal..hey, stop that!! *wrestling, sound of a head bouncing off the floor*
Ahem. Anyways, pay no attention to his lies. I'm the real love of her life. She is a sweet girl, and she gives herself far less credit then she deserves. I'm the real lucky one you know, well everyone knows that except her. She's the best thing that ever happened to me, blog. I wouldn't trade our experiences for anything in the world. She has made me a better person and helped me mature. She's a strong woman, you see, but sometimes she just doesn't realize her own strength. I love her for all her beauty, inside and out, and for all her quirks and flaws. She isn't perfect, but she is the perfect woman for me.
I love you Laura, and I promise I always will.


Stuff I Would Tell My Josh to His Face If Only I Could Grow Some Huevos:

1. I'm so very lucky to have someone like you in my life.

At my worst, when I'm snotting and sobbing and yelling things that don't make sense in any language, you hold me in your arms and literally kiss my tears away (and remark on how they taste salty which always makes me laugh inside). No matter how worthless I feel, you let me know that I'm valuable not only to you but to humanity.

2. I admire your breviloquence.

When you say something, you say it. You deliver a compliment in like 6 words and I know it means something to you. Wastefulness isn't a problem in your vocabulary, and though I'd love to hear you elaborate on something you've said, it's okay. Keep being yourself.

3. You're so strong.

I've been a sheltered little girl for so long and it was easy to forget that real problems exist in the world. As we mature, though, those problems are becoming very real to both of us. And now that we're facing them together, your strength in spite of my weakness is evident and I admire you for it. You carry my burdens as your own, and you never complain about the stress you're under.

4. You amaze me.

In so many small ways... Sometimes I just have to stop to watch you, thinking, is this man really in love with me? Your wit, intelligence, the way you teach, your easygoing, low-maintenance habits with your friends, your passion for life (and me :-D)... All these things and so many more make me want you more and in a way, make me want to be more like you.

That's a little insight into what I had to stop for a moment and make sure I wrote down. A lot of times we think things like that that need development and for some reason we get lazy and neglect to do so. But sometimes people just deserve to know how special and wonderful and loved they are. Maybe it'll help them some other time.. I don't know.

I saw the Britney/Joseph entity (I call them that because I never know who the fuck it is, lol.. ) online on my trillian today, which made me realize I hadn't deleted that sn from my list. So I did, expecting part of me to feel a small sadness; instead I felt nothing of the sort. What do you call that feeling, the one you get when you realize it's finally over and that unit (I would call it a chapter but it lasted way longer than one. For some reason I was retarded in that area and didn't get that lessons are learned so we don't make mistakes a second, third or even fourth time.) of your life has ended? Ah, yes, sweet Finality. It feels kinda good. I hope I don't sound condescending when I say all of that. Truthfully speaking, the problems I had with both of them really got to me and believe it or not, they had a huge impact on my maturation. I used to look down on people, thinking that I was much more mature than they, but now I realize that I'm just as big an idiot as everyone else, if not more so.
That brings me to my next point: the longer I live, the more I understand why people turn to anorexia, bulimia, partying, alcohol, drugs, sex, and all the other things that can be abused. All those things dull the pain of more serious problems. I've felt that pain, and I've been tempted to find solace in more than a few of those things on the list (but to be fair to myself and my character, I haven't indulged in all of them). But you know what? When you look for solace in those things, you never will find it. All they do is make you more depressed, which makes you want them more which sends you into a downward spiral from which you may never resurface. You have to find something positive to focus on. And I'm attempting to find that thing.
I always feel like I'm on the verge of a breakthrough, if I could only just reach it..That's strange. Perhaps, if something happens, and if I'm in a benevolent mood, I'll toss you a bone in another entry later on tonight. ;)

Sunday, September 07, 2003


I poured my heart out in an entry and blogger eats it. I don't have the strength or fortitude to write another one right now; therefore, you'll have to accept this one with my regrets.

Saturday, September 06, 2003

Because I absolutely love the show and I think some gay guys are not only adorable but totally doable (if they ever got drunk and decided they wanted a Jen/Jack-esque romp in the hay),

Kyan: Grooming Guru

Which Member from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is your type?
brought to you by Quizilla

Anyway, my weekend was generally fine, even though it isn't over yet. After class, I spent the rest of my Friday with Josh, which was nice. We made love at his place a little bit, then after going out for dinner, came home and cuddled on his couch in front of the tv. It's nice to do couple things like that. The more we're together, the more I wonder about what the rest of our lives holds for us. I honestly think we'll get over these obstacles within and without ourselves and get married eventually (but most likely 10 years from now, after I've become an established doctor. I have no intention of ignoring my calling.) It's weird that I've never let myself dwell on it before.

We watched the Michigan game on ESPN this afternoon, or at least, I mostly heard about it after the fact because I spent most of it in Josh's room. We won by 47 points.. GO BLUE! I'll be attending the one on September 27th, but I doubt it'll be televised. It doesnt matter about that, though; what matters is what was going on inside me while I was in Josh's room during the game.
I have a personal problem which is affecting my dealings with Josh and making things difficult for me. Today, I made a decision which made that problem rear its ugly head and generally speaking destroyed my spirit for about half an hour today. I mean, it was like war inside which made it so hard to stay strong like I normally try to do... Needless to say, I ended up sobbing and snotting in Josh's arms and he comforted me (thankfully). *sigh* But ever since then I've kind of felt not myself. Like the Laura who's sitting here quietly typing this because her roommate is trying to sleep at 10:17pm on Saturday night is different from the Laura who is actually having these thoughts.

I just want to feel good and confident for a little while. I don't want to feel bad when I hang out with my friends. I have 7 lectures per week which, believe me, require enough of my energy to keep me from craving more during my downtime. I'd hate to lose yet another friend, but do I really need anything else to bring me down? No. There's enough to deal with as it is.

I should go to church tomorrow, then work on some physics and French before working out. Maybe I should start a new routine with that at the beginning of my week or something. That way, instead of concentrating on feeling bad, I can start infusing myself with things that might initially feel bad but will eventually make my life better. I'll think about that tonight.
Oddly enough, right now I feel very lonely. I'm sure I can find someplace to busy myself on the web. Goodnight.

Thursday, September 04, 2003

In all honesty, sometimes I'm tempted to let those crochety old white men from slaveowner times win the battle between me and education. I go through so many emotions whenever I encounter physics and math and even frustrating things in English and so on. Things get rough and automatically I'm driven to feeling an overwhelming sensation of my own stupidity. I'm really not sure... maybe I did get here on bravado and Affirmative Action. It seems like other kids have access to this huge previous knowledge base and here I come, a well-rounded idiot. Have you ever felt like you know absolutely nothing?? Like you aren't an authority on anything and you can barely remember what you had for dinner last night, much less what you learned in a pitiful excuse for a math class at Gwendolyn Brooks College Preparatory Academy more than a year and a half ago?
Where does a struggling young black girl/woman fit into this whole thing? I feel like Invisible Man, and the only time people can see me is when I'm failing or doing wrong.

Mike asked me why I'm unhappy. This is why. My first attempt at physics and already I feel I could stand to be there working on this for another three hours before I'm solid. Why must I pay thousands of dollars for people to tell me that they know more than me? Why won't they help me to understand it too? It isn't fair.

Anyway, I have to study for French which I leave for in about 35 minutes or so. After that I go to my first counseling session, and for once, I think that's a good thing.

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Alrighty, then. It's 9:24am Eastern time and surprisingly, I'm fully awake, blogging from the comforts of the UGLI basement. My first physics class ended about half an hour ago, so I find myself unoccupied for the next half hour until I go to French 231. You have no idea how un-ready I feel.
Tv always taught me that the sophomore year of college should be one of supreme confidence and badass-ness. Because you already know where everything is, you no longer have what I deem the "freshman daze" as you stroll across the quads and lounge with your air of superiority. Then again, I was one of the stupids who fell prey to the belief that college life would be something like that show "Undeclared", or even worse, "Dawson's Creek", where the majority of days are spent sorting out social issues and pranking the hell out of your friends rather than cramming and trying to persuade your parents that their money is well-sacrificed for college education. But, here I am, scared shitless of what's to come, not knowing whether or not this is an exercise in futility. Do you know how many college students drop out after sophomore year? And what's more, how many of them drop out after attempting a biology degree and, realizing that they can't cut it, dissolve into a puddle of nerves in a nervous breakdown?

*almost pees her pants*

I'm holding this schedule in front of me now and thinking that this is one expensive decision. But, no matter what happens in the future, I'm here right now. Despite its decorative appearance, this head is more than a hat rack. Though I've never been brilliant, I've always been persistent, right? And isn't learning one of the things I love? It is and always has been; not even Michigan can change that. The first day of school is an introduction. No matter how shaky I am at 9:34am 9/2/03, all that matters is that I finish strongly by the end of the semester. Surely I can hold on long enough for that.

This would be a great time for all of you upperclassmen to comment and show me your love. Hey, I'll take love from underclassmen, high school students, geriatrics--anywhere I can get it for the time being. And I promise to have an update for you this evening. Later.