Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Tonight I feel so bogged down with borders. Not the popular book, music and café store, but figurative borders and restrictions, all the things I shouldn't do: Don't go out alone. Don't get into the car without checking around to see if someone's watching. Don't wear a skirt at a party. Don't not answer your phone. Don't sit by the phone waiting for someone to call. Don't be easy. Don't tell people everything. Don't trust. Don't cry. Don't feel.

Ugh. I just feel like crying out to the world, "I'm an emotional being; how can I not feel?" I dunno. Guess it's harder to turn yourself off than you think. I just want so much that I can't help feeling the way I do. Not that I want everything, but it's still a lot.

I feel vulnerable and emotional now. While it's probably mostly due to my approaching menses and I understand what the problem is (I think), I still feel like being held and cuddled. People are like, it's not cool to be needy or want someone to hold you. You're supposed to be enough to yourself. But isn't it still human and natural that you need someone to be close to you physically? It isn't weak. Just normal. But that's not okay. Even if it were, sadly enough, there's no one here to do that for me. Kinda depressing, is it not? Oh well. I'll have to cope like I always do until a change comes. Don't worry; I'll let you know when I don't feel weepy anymore.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

I went out for a while yesterday and saw Dodgeball. It was really funny. I also got to spend some time looking out at the stars and watching the night spread across the sky. I saw clouds and squirrels and birds and lightning bugs... It was all very peaceful. I got home at like 11 though and my mom was upset because I hadn't answered my phone for some time. It happened to be on silent, though. Ah well.

It might be some time before I get to go out again, but even so. Something about this place makes me feel like I need to get out. There are so many people around stifling me, and I wish I didn't like have two moms or whatever.. Ugh. I don't wanna complain, but sometimes I can't help it.

Work was uneventful. Busy I guess, but nothing spectacular. I made it home by about 3:30 or earlier and I've just been here chilling before mom makes us clean the basement. Funness, right?

I guess I just need a bit more quiet time alone.

Monday, June 28, 2004

My mom seems to think that it's simply torture fo\r me to be home during the summer, so she bothers me with disclaimers every time she says something to me.. I guess she fails to realize that the more annoying part of being home for the summer involves the way shes worrying me so much about how she knows I hate being home for the summer. I don't really hate it. I just hate when people think they can professionally analyze me. Nobody in my household has a psychology degree, and even if they did, I'd refuse to let them run me down with thir medical mumbo-jumbo. Josh is majoring in pshychology (which I don't profess to understoand, given the supremely important fact that he barely says anything)and I wouldnt let him give me a professional opinion. Well anyway, I guess I'm restless just because I haven't done anything noteworthy for the summer. IT's supposed to be the time where kids do wild things and make summer memories. Alas and alack, here I am again, not taking chances and stuff. Stuck in the old rut. Someone save me from myself!

I don't feel like complaining about it anymore. I'm also at work and doing the switchboard operation, so I should prolly finish handling that. More later.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

There is so much force bottled up inside me. I can only describe it that way, for lack of any better term. It's force, and it's directed at whatever catches my fancy long enough for me to turn full strength against. People leave and come into my life and I turn this nearly unbearable force of pressure on them, like a full blast of water from a water cannon and they either stand there and grit their teeth or they run away screaming. Most people aren't prepared for me, and I admittedly am not prepared for people like me either, but most everything I am and can be is driven by force: my love, my lust, my loathing, my sadness, my fears, my joy--all of it. I'm an emotional person. And when I do good, it's great. When I do bad, it's horrible.

Some are drawn to me like moths to flame until they realize just how unprepared they are for the emotional intensity (primarily) that I bring to my relationships be they casual or something deeper. Josh knows how I am... I can go from screaming that I hate him and myself and want to break up to planting kisses all over him and telling him that we could never make it one day without each other--in the same conversation. I'm certain when he first met me he was taken aback, to be sure. Although, I'm not quite certain I was this neurotic several years ago. Time has aged me a bit, but I'm not even sure I've matured enough to let up a little, to give people room to breathe. I don't want things to be 'out of sight, out of mind' affairs. I want it to last if it needs to and to let it go if it doesnt.

Take me away now to someplace warm and dark, where I don't have to be alone and someone will hold me tenderly until I fall asleep. That's what I want now. I've been needing it since I left Josh in April.

P.S. went to the mall, found a strapless cute dress for $7. nope, your eyes don't deceive you--$7. gogo sales.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

The beach was deserted, even at noon. She dropped everything: shoes, handbag, cell, clothes, and sprinted as best she could into the water. After the initial shock of cold against her sun-warmed skin, she resurfaced about twenty feet from the shore and stayed there, treading and thinking. She thought of all she'd tried to leave behind at the office. Lunch was over in another forty minutes; thankfully, the office was close by. Treading there in the water, she thought of all that would be waiting for her once she set foot on dry land again. While she was here, she was free. She held her breath there and closed her eyes, letting the water envelope her entire body. As she sank slowly, she quieted her entire body allowed her natural bouyancy to carry her upward. And it was ironic, she thought to herself,to be able to feel free when totally surrounded, enveloped by something, in a place where the laws of nature and gravity seemed in a constant battle. She lay there quietly,arms outstreched, palms upward, staring up at the sapphire sky faintly wisped with cirrus clouds. The waves gently nudged her toward the shore; seaweed tenderly brushed against her in passing. She stood and waded in as the water grew more violent. The once-tender waves jostled the backs of her knees, nearly forcing her to kneel as if on holy ground. The warmth of the sun evaporated the water on her skin, leaving behind trails of crusty salt in the hollow of her neck, the small of her back, and her navel. Her hair dripped diamond drops of saltwater, and she stood naked for a moment, her thoughts still lost at sea. Her cell glistened in the sun's light, and she checked the time on the cover. Twenty minutes of lunch left. She dressed slowly, calmly brushing sand from the folds of her skirt and blouse. She left her nylons on the beach, picked up her shoes and bag, and headed back toward the parking lot and corporate battlefield.

Remind yourself to pause and take a breath when things are going well. Savor that moment when it feels like all's right with the world so you can recollect it when things suck.

Life is okay, except for that one person who simply refuses to call me back.. I mean other than that thing's are totally rockin'. No new social outings or anything, but I just feel good at work and everything. Sleepy, yeah, but it's all good. I hope you can understand just how nice I feel right now, that it comes through my simply chosen words. Sorry about that. I don't feel particularly eloquent, just mellow and good. Not necessarily happy or anything, just mellow and good.

Josh called me last night and we had a really good conversation.. It's weird how we can go from a semi-fight into kissy noises and "I love you"s in the same conversation. I love him. :)

Anyway, maybe I should try to call my home-slice and see what's up with the no calls.. But then I might sound like a stalker.

Oh, and if you're in the Newark NJ area (8:30 pm--Café Modelo: 304 Ferry Street)on Thursday be sure to stop by and see dear Hugo. From what I gather from his posts on the Ironbound, you'll certainly be moved. Hey, I've never even seen him and I'm way impressed. Or if you're feeling generous, swing by Chicago on your way up to Jersey and pick me up.

Over and out, kids. More tomorrow, unless something wicked awesome happens tonight that I just gotta tell you about.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

And so my love affair with my wireless phone begins. Maybe I'm still in that infatuation stage, but it seems at the moment to be a lasting thing, like there's nothing else in the world but my own dear cameraphone. I remember when loving was a supreme novelty and I would pause mid-sentence to think about something that took place in bed the night before. A smile would spread across my face and I'd leave the other conversationalist with a mildly puzzled expression. After a couple of seconds of reverie, I'd return to the real world feeling much more pleasant, and in anxious anticipation for the night to come.

And now I feel that way about my cameraphone. Could this be true love? :) It's sleek, sexy, stylish and it takes hella excellent photos. Nobody has let me associate his photo with his number yet, but I will hunt them down with my incessant snapping and eventually score some pix. Yay. So excited. Must. Calm. Down.

Work was excellent; they let us out 2 hours early since we only get paid for 6 and I worked 8 yesterday. I don't start until 9 and they let me loose at 3pm, whoohoo! But I'm still expecting that check from AGP coming Friday which will help pay this hefty new cell phone bill and the other summer necessities. But it's good living right now, despite the early hours. I'm certain I'll get used to everything. And maybe if you're nice to me I'll call you or something.

Since I'm rambing on and on, I better go. More tomorrow evening, I'm sure.

Monday, June 21, 2004

Not sure whether or not I'll have the time or energy to post anything once I get home. So, yep, you guessed it--I'm at work now. Not at AGP, but at my new job in the Cluster 6 offices for CPS. They didn't make us work too hard today, but I'm still hella tired, for some reason. This working week to week almost 6 days/week is rough on the old biological clock. I woke up several times before my alarm went off at like 6:30, so I lost a bunch of sleep. Ah well. I can cope, I guess.

The interns here are mostly my age, and even the youngest one just turned 18 on Saturday. I'm coming in at right about the third youngest, I'm guessing. One of them also used to date a guy that went to my high school, so small world and stuff like that. I'm just glad that today went pretty much uneventfully except for some small paper cuts to my hands. I'm forseeing a quiet summer this year, in great contrast to last year's. Ah well.

I have the urge to look up a friend of mine from here last year, but I'm not sure if I have the balls to just show up at his house. That'd be pushing it. Already my parents suggested that if he really wanted to see/talk to me, he'd look me up himself. But then again, don't people need encouragement to get started? I don't want to date him or anything, before you get that "bad medicine" feeling. I just wanna find out how graduation went and if he has any plans for a "real" job this summer and the rest of this year. I certainly hope so, for his sake.

Boy, life is getting even more quiet than I thought lately. What'll I do without some much-needed excitement? Go crazy? Don't mind if I do!

*freaks out*

Well umm.. the work day's over, so I guess I should get goin'. Later all.

Friday, June 18, 2004

I dunno what happened to me last night, but I wound up in bed, in a little ball against the wall, tightly clutching the Tigger Josh had given me years ago. Never before had such an awful bout of missing him come upon me since I came home. I was near tears but promised myself that I couldn't and wouldn't cry. It was like there was no way to talk to him because he went out (which is no sin) and he doesn't have a cell. But my mobile phone lay there mocking me, it's charger cord like a sinful kind of tail emanating from its evil little port. And I just lay there, holding myself close until I fell asleep somehow.

This morning I've awakened to a much brighter world. I still don't know where my bf is, but at least I'm distracted by tv and the sugar free Turtles my mom bought me yesterday as payment for typing some manuscripts of hers. So through chocolate covered lenses, the world looks a bit less lonely. Doesn't mean I'm not peeved though.

My manager called yesterday evening and asked me to come in for the evening shift tonight. Not that I particularly want to, but I figure maybe this'll allow me to make some delicious funds I'll sorely need toward the end of the summer and before school starts. *sigh* Somebody help me live a cheaper lifestyle! I need a financial planner and consultant. I also need to get out a bit more because I'm feeling quite bored here. Ugh.

The new mobile should be here by Tuesday. I know this, yet I still compulsively check the tracking number every half hour, hoping that my little box has somehow come closer to its new home. Somebody give me something else to do, hehe... Like getting hopelessly drunk and going dancing at some club. Hm.. maybe I could go for some of that.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Hi. How was your day, dear? *rubs your feet* Would you like a glass of ice cold water or maybe some pop? Want me to turn on the tv? You're comfy now, right? Good. Don'tcha wanna hear about my day? Okay:

My manager at American Girl Place really likes me. I didn't want to believe this before on account of she never really spoke to me much, but I gather from her attitude around me now and the way she watches me that she approves of my actions. This had to be pointed out to me at first by one of my fellow bussers at AGP and then again when my manager herself suggested that I stay on working there. Most everyone else agreed. Even though I'm sometimes a handfull (hehe what can I say), I'd say the majority of people know that I'll help then whenever I can and they like me for it, generally speaking.

Until I went in the bathroom for a potty break, it didn't hit me that I'm not just such a great person with a wonderful work ethic who is just so darned perky and great. I've got something, all right. It's called God's favor. Sometimes I feel it oozing from my pores when I get something that I'm totally not expecting. Case and point: today this lady tipped me $5 for bringing her mayonnaise. I tried not to accept it but then she practically forced it on me. I was very pleased and then remembered that my aunt told me about this a while ago. I wonder what it all means and why God's being so nice to me (besides the fact that He loves me bunches)...

Gotta admit, now I'm considering keeping this crummy old bussing job, hehe.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

I got to work too early for the second time this week. What's wrong with me? Am I so freaking obsessed with this job that I can't get a full night's rest cuz I just gotta be there? Instead of going all the way home, I decided to walk to Harold Washington Library. It took about half an hour to get there.. had to be a few miles, so I did burn some calories, thankfully. Once I arrived the library was just opening. I hadn't been there in a long time so it took a bit to get acquainted with the layout. Naturally, though, I found my way to the literature floor and buried my nose in some good fiction. Ironically enough I was drawn to a mystery by Agatha Christie called Sparkling Cyanide. It was pretty good, and since I had a lot of time to kill I went on and finished it in about just under 3 hours. After that I decided to head back up State and visit a few of the stores. I found my way into Old Navy and poked around, tried on a few things... some stuff fit but looked horrible, and some stuff just didn't fit. I left and went to Field's but decided the whole ambiance and the clientele oozed snottiness. And I didn't feel like I belonged in a place like that.

By that time I had just enough time to walk back to work and get started. The day was hectic, naturally, and people were slacking off.. it was a little frustrating but the end was fine. We got out on time and I got home at about 8:30, which was nice. The drawback was the day's activities had me dehydrated so I was itching terribly (cuz that's how I know I'm dehydrated) and a bit lightheaded. So I drank some water once I got home and here I am! Sorry I didn't get to leave you with a post for today. But you know I love you anyways.

And now on to some random rememberances (I'm feeling sappy):

I love the way the hairs at the back of your neck lay there as fine as down. I love the smell of your shirts after they come out of your dryer, and even if I use the same exact detergent and fabric softener mine don't smell the same as yours. I love the way you would rub my foot while you played BW or Utopia into the wee hours. I love the way you would lay down with me even when you're not tired, just until I fall asleep. I love the way you move gingerly, slowly getting out of bed once you think I've drifted off as not to wake me. I love the way you furrow your brows when you're thinking. I love the way you type with your index fingers. I love the way you stroke my hair when I lay my head in your lap. I love your sloppy handwriting. I love the way you get so soft-voiced when we talk late at night when you're sleepy. I love short love notes from you. I love your ratty old t-shirts. I love that we *kiss* via IM. I love that you let your hair grow long in the winter but you keep it closer in the summer.

You fascinate and confound me at the same time on a daily basis. And even after knowing you all this time, I still feel like I could sit with you for hours and get to know you more and more. What is it about you that's got me so enthralled? You tell me...

Monday, June 14, 2004

300th Post! What a Milestone! And now to the daily bit o' shiznit:

I was talking to one of my many guy friends and the conversation (inevitably) turned to sex. We were talking about likes and dislikes in a very general way and he noted that "Guys want a lady in the street and a freak in the bed" or something similar to that. Sadly, this isn't the first time I've heard that statement made by a guy. It seems that the majority of them expect women to be perfect little homemakers or even breadwinners with a real sense of propriety and gentility when out in public, but at home anything and everything goes. He wants her butt naked in 6-inch stillettos while she cooks his freakin omelettes. If he needs her to flirt with his boss at dinner then he wants her to do so with full expectance that she will never go home to anyone but him.

Guys, lemme give you a little bitch slap of reality:

It doesn't work that way. If you do happen to find a woman like that, she's not gonna stay that way for long. If you're living your life like a complete slob, wearin the same damn sweats every day, leavin the toilet seat up and only keepin beer and steaks (and eggs I guess) in the fridge, do you really think she's gonna cook you omelettes in her stillettos? Well maybe she will, but that's after she gets depressed, does a little blow in the bathroom, and puts on like 50 extra lbs. But wait. Lemme back up a sec. I mean, do you really think that those nasty college sweats and a beer gut are attractive to your average 36-24-36? Not nowadays. We women don't care if you can crush a can with your cinderblock forehead. At least, I don't. I want to know if you got plans for the future.

This is what most of are seeking when in the market for longevity:

1. A guy who bathes regularly. And by regularly, I mean at least once daily. This is key, fellas.
2. A guy whose bathroom is clean.
3. Come to think of it, a guy with his own place.
4. A guy whose fridge contains more than a half-eaten jar of mustard and beer.
5. A guy who is good to his mother without being a mama's boy. (Fine line there, guys, believe me.
6. A guy who knows that flowers for no reason are perfectly acceptable diversions from what he's done wrong over the course of the relationship.
7. A guy who will talk about birth control methods and periods without getting squeamish.
8. A guy who is creditably employed. No "street pharmacists" or "manwhores" (although gigolos are an acceptable profession to some women. I'm not one of 'em.)
9. A guy who has some sort of professional training (be it through college, trade school, correspondence school, whateva. But you gotta have something that says you can do more than flip burgers at McDonald's.)
10. A guy who doesn't blame a girl's temper on "that time of the month". Cuz that will get you a serious case of blue balls, if not a slap.
11. If he has a car, a guy who will pick a girl up if she's coming from somewhere late at night.
12. A guy who doesn't just sprint across the street without checking behind for his lady.

And I'll stop there cuz I don't want to give you all heart failure with too much information at one time. I think I'll continue this series, cuz there's so much more stuff guys need to understand about what women want, you know? And ladies, if there's anything you think is important enough to mention for this by no means comprehensive list, don't hesitate to fill me in.

I'll leave you all to your porn searches now.

Saturday, June 12, 2004

Question: have you noticed that each day brings a small epiphany?

Today I was taking a bath and playing with a rubber ducky (he's tiny and yellow, so cute!) and I realized that I don't have to settle for anything in my life. I'm worth so much and sometimes I just forget that. I'm worth 3 years spent crawling across a desert. I'm worth the launch of a thousand ships, or twenty years spent at sea just to see my sweet face again. Oh baby, I'm so worth it.

So why do I settle for the stuff in this one-horse town (by which I mean my neighborhood)? There's so much more to be had. Ironically enough, I'm not the girl who wants to settle down, find a warm spot in the kitchen and start baking cookies and popping out babies. I want to travel (to Spain!!!!) and fill my scrapbooks with things that'll occupy evenings when the electricity's out, things that my grandchildren will write reports on and stuff that will have me on PBS when I'm 60. I don't ever want to settle. I want to always be a dynamic character in the story of life, forever changing and growing.

I was also thinking how sad it is that at 19 I already have more than a few regrets, mostly in the romantic relationship department and thereabouts. It's sad, but I won't let the past hold me back anymore. It's difficult for me especially, but I cna't be a slave to the needs of right now when I have the rest of my life to consider. At the same time, though, the rest of my life is ahead of me, which means that mistakes are gonna happen and I just gotta let them go. Trick is, for me at least, to take the bad and learn from it.

I realize that this whole entry is totally vague and you're all wondering if it means more than the surface preaching I'm sort of doing to myself. Well, yeah it does mean something, something that I really don't want to expose to you all. Thanks for bearing with me on the vagueness issue, but I really don't wanna play with fire here especially.

*sigh* Well, I guess that's it. Have a good week everybody.

Friday, June 11, 2004

Despite the feelings of bloated waste, I'm still here, and I guess I'm still making it. This Friday off was really a blessing, as I needed some "Laura time" to relax and just wear normal comfortable shoes for a change. I didn't wait on people hand and foot, and I didn't clear any tables. I did a few dishes, but that was totally voluntary.

And now I sit, reflecting on who I happen to be at the moment. Because we all change as we go on, the way the look of the landscape changes as reflected in a falling raindrop. Right now it feels as though I'm simply living moment to moment. Sometimes that feels really great, and other times it's just really scary. But I woke up and went out today despite the cloudy sky and I felt real. I felt alive, I guess you could call it. I just think about how much I miss going about with these blinders on, oblivious to the rest of the world as it moves on around me. Seems as though I can only focus on one thing at a time and everything else just gets filtered out. I dunno. But today I didn't necessarily feel all sunshine and roses--but it's the most tangible feeling I've had in a long time.

It's embarrassing to admit, but I really miss some people in my life. It's apparent when my phone stops ringing that I need to stop being an ass and place some calls to get things going again. I've felt a little lonely these past few days and "Laura time" wasn't really helpful with that.. yeah everyone needs people to hang out with from time to time in a non-work setting.

What's funny is I don't wanna talk about love. I wanna just relax and maybe pour my heart out to someone who'll listen without judging about life, and relationships, and interactions. I wanna share my stories freely and hear honest feedback. Thing is, I'm old enough now to realize that you can't just do that shit online without expecting repercussions from those who read your journal. Every time I start over in a new journal (and believe me, I'm no blog virgin--a veritable blog slut if you wanna get technical, cuz I've had like 8 or 9 of 'em at one time or another) I always promise myself that what I write here will be sort of a shared secret between me and those who have no idea of who I am except what I reveal here. Even though I unclothe much more of myself here than in "real life", those people in the non-digital world have much more power to hurt me than you all do. So I'm forced to withold pieces of myself, pieces I would otherwise enjoy sharing with you. You know that inclination to complete and total honesty (I think some people call it being "forthcoming") that I have--well I'm totally stifling it here. But I want you to know that I trust you enough. It's just the "real life" folks I'm worried about. But even to you "real life"-ers, I trust you too, you know, or else you wouldn't have the address. So there.

Guess I've rambled on enough for one night. Peace.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

I want you covered in chocolate and almonds.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

I've always noticed something in the company of others: they seem to peg me early on, quite easily. Every time I notice this I often wonder whether or not I'm simply that easy to read, or if they've come in contact with a person like me before. If so, where are these people so remarkably like me? I'd like to find them and see if we might be long-lost twins/siblings of another sort.

Maybe it's true; I do tend to share personal information early on, but I've never been a clandestine kind of person about much of what goes on in my life. There hasn't been any reason to keep that info bottled up. And besides, I also think that I'm a person who'd rather cut the bullshit, too. If I don't like you, I'll pretty much keep my mouth shut unless you make me really angry. I don't kiss your ass, though, which counts especially for people higher-up in power i.e. professors, family members, etc.

I guess I'm one of those people you either love right off or hate. It's happened sometimes that people think they hate me but once they get to know me they come to realize that I'm really not so bad. A lot of people have told me they really enjoy the honesty that I try to bring to most of my relationships. Some of them I can't help fibbing in, cuz I loathe having to hurt the feelings of the people I really care about. All in all, I'll try to get you to like me, but once you've made up your mind, I'm not going to try persuading you differently.

So that probably does make me easy to read. It's kind of sad sometimes cuz I'm totally about being mysterious and exotic, but I guess it doesn't work out that way sometimes. You all know my life story, and here I am again revealing yet more of myself. It's all there: everything you ever needed and wanted to know (or not). So here I am; love me. Or don't. Your choice.

Monday, June 07, 2004

I fell off a little on the diet wagon on account of the fact that my job sells--get this--food. All kinds of cute little treats and also stuff for grown ups like hummus, pot pies, etc. We employees aren't supposed to eat it either, but whatever. We all laugh in the face of authority.

The kids are adorable, at least the ones brave and comfortable enough to talk to me. I try to be nice and friendly but they don't get to see enough of me, really. It's only the bolder ones that I get to chat with, and man do they chat. As I cleared their table, I asked a couple of girls who couldn't have been older than 7 or 8 if they could guess how old I was. After the obligatory "I dunno!" and some more prodding on my part, they took their guesses. One girl guessed 40, but what was worse was another guessed, "64!!" and was so proud of herself. I cringed, but then figured that it only means girls, as well as other people, have no real perception of age. You are only as old as you appear, and that's if people get to know you better.

I don't want this entire post to be work-related, but most of the time for me, my projects tend to occupy a large space in my time and in my thoughts. I suppose I get that from my mom who has always let her work consume her. Despite that, though, she's really good at everything she does. It's always completely above and beyond her job description, but everyone seems to enjoy it. I have that same absorption with none of the benefits. My obsession only seems to tire me out. I try to go above and beyond, but at this point in this particular job I'm still a little nervous about what to do. The Bible says, "Whatever your hands find to do, do it well, as service to God and not to men." Keep in mind that was paraphrasing. But anyways, I really do my best. I'm gonna try and improve on the previous day's work and outdo myself. I was gonna say that maybe people will see my good works, but then remembered that verse I just typed like 2 or 3 lines ago. So I'll bus like Jesus is a customer. :) You can laugh if you wanna. I did too.

I hope you're all enjoying the recent influx of warm weather, and I hope it lasts. Have a wonderful day and keep yo' eyes on the prize! (I dunno what I was thinking there either.)

Friday, June 04, 2004

*huge yawn*

Oh man, I only worked a 4-hour shift, but I'm awfully tired. It was eventful, I gotta say, from getting slammed in the head by the doors to spilling a drink on a guy and feeling like absolute shit afterward... But it's over and tomorrow starts another day. The kids are sweet and easy to talk to. I adore the younger ones already.

Amazing how hierarchies exist even in low-position jobs. Or maybe it's just that some people feel like you're their personal slave so they can order you to do things that they just don't feel like doing. I hate that. But I'm gonna let my resentment go before it builds up and spoils my whole work experience.

I'm tired, y'all. Got a closer tomorrow, and my mom wants me to go to fabric stores with her before. Gonna hit the hay.. nighty poo.

Did you know

When you're gone
I always trace your indentation
In my still-warm bedsheets

I still remember
You touched your lips after
I kissed your fingers

Every single morning
I check for your messages
Signed with a *kiss*

My heart thrills
At each casual mention of
your name in conversation


I think you're a poet, one of the last ones of our time who can find such beauty and meaning in the simplicity of touch. Perhaps it's a gift you don't know you posses, or perhaps your natural modesty in matters other than your own intelligence (smile) prevents you from admitting it openly.

Nevertheless, you are truly an artist. You pen perfect pentameter on the small of my back. You compose odes (to joy) on my lips. And in so doing, you rival Shakespeare in your eloquence. For once, the one so adept with language is silenced, moved to the most primal, while you take up the pen of your fingers and indite line after line of verse on the page of my body.

You call me your muse, your inspiration. I say that I am beautiful because you find me so. Without you, there would be no reason for verse. My most compelling works have been inspired by the feelings I have for you. Without you, I could never know love.

Therefore, my dearest, as long as you have verse to write I shall always be your naked page. Believe me; it is my honor.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Whaddaya know? I'm back on my only day off this week (besides Memorial day, which I guess counts as the other half of my two-day weekend).

I was thinking about something as I lay in bed for the past 14 hours: we're a society that's never really content with what we have. This discontent has spread like a virus from one aspect of our lives to another, and I'm mostly realizing it in the form of money and relationships.

You know, no matter how hard I try I can never really be content with the amount of money I have. Whenever I have a lot, I'm happy of course, but then I stop shopping at like Wal-mart or Target and start wishing for the upscale clothes of Banana Republic(affectionately referred to as simply 'Banana' by my uppity and a few of my gay friends/associates) or Neiman Marcus or whatever.. even though I know I don't truly care for much of the stuff in there. It's just a desire to have more.. completely groundless, completely greedy. I suppose it's how more than a few celebrities have wound up penniless.

As far as relationships go, I don't believe that we're really content until we exhaust things. I mean, on a first date I'm probably wondering if he's gonna want a kiss by the end of the night. And the more we see each other, he's gonna want more and more from me and probably feels that he's earned it. There's no slow going, and I'm probably the last person on earth who savors the moment of anticipation and that long song-and-dance we do to get to a kiss, or more. (Well I'm not saying that this has been recently, but you get my point.) It's just that I wish we could slow life down and give it a little more time to develop.

We're a rush-rush, instant-mashed-potatoes-and-gravy kind of society. And portions are getting bigger to feed the "hungry man". Young girls are wearing makeup and sporting butterfly-appliquéd sequin and rhinestone thongs at 13 or so and dating, while their parents buy them more and more toys to keep themselves in good standings with their kids. I just don't get it. Yeah, things have to change, but must they go so quickly?

I just don't know.

I'm at home today waiting for one of my mother's co-workers to call me back with requests for information in order to get me enrolled in UIUC (U of Illinois Urbana-Champaign). It's after the application deadline so this is basically a hookup, too. Not to mention it's only about two hours away from my house, which doesn't really thrill me too much. But no matter what I know I'll survive whatever this is. Dunno if I'll survive it happily, but I'll survive it.

Damn. Living life is taking a bath. It's comfortable, relaxing, and warm until you let your guard down, fall asleep, and wake up to icy cold water.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Even though I'm often uncomfortable in most social situations, I still enjoy being part of a great conversation. Then again, sometimes I tend to get really nervous and talk too much..overcompensation for my shyness, I suppose. So yeah, with me things are really messed up. However, with the right group of people I can have them rolling in the aisles because it's all about laughter, even about things people don't know about. It's great, too.

I actually saw people working in the café today after this, my last day of new hire training. Friday I'll be working in the café and the real games begin, so to speak. I met a few people in the back--mostly servers and a few bussers, but it wasn't much to speak about. I really am looking forward to this job the closer I get to it, but you should probably wait for my assessment that's sure to come much later on.

So I don't really get a moment's peace here at home anymore with my mother breathing down my neck about college applications, and it's even gone so far as to have me filling out apps at places I have absolutely no desire to attend. But there's no choice, no matter what you people are saying out here cuz I require support.. so.. whatever.

It's depressing to talk about so I'm done. More probably on Thursday, if you're lucky.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

I had just begun feeling positive when all the little apples just tumbled out of my basket, so to speak. Yup, I spilled all my milk and am now left with nothing but dry, stale old cookies.

Seems as though my parents will be content with nothing short of me leaving UM for good. I lost my real will to fight with them a long time ago, so I guess all I can do is just to go wherever they want. I am also going to major in biology again, as they won't pay for anything less than that, and they give me so much goddamn grief (pardon my horrible misuse) about being a fucking doctor that I can't take it anymore and am like, whatever you want. I will just take control of my life in the aspects that I can handle: i.e. love life, which I'll eventually get to handling. Everything else is whatever. Fuck this, though; all this fighting shit is for the birds. I'm tired. I mean, people want to treat me like whatever so I'm just gonna pay lip service and then do what I want with the things that I can change. I can't do the rest of this without them so I guess I have to obey.

But I'm so fucking pissed about it, and they won't even listen to me anymore. So fuck it, whatever. I'll go wherever. Josh and I can call if need be, and I don't plan on marrying anyone else who comes along anytime soon. I really do not give a shit.

And I had such a nice time at new hire training for AG Place today. Who'd have thought the bottom would drop out of my day so quickly after getting home?